No sex drive after abusive relationships (TW SA)

[Nodriveatall]

Name changed for this. Any advice appreciated. Sorry it's long.

My last relationship ended after I walked away from a man who was emotionally abusive, about 18 months ago. No sex for the last 4 months together, bc it just felt like validation for him (him asking "do you like that" over and over made me realise, no I don't!) On top of his gaslighting and silent treatment, it was all a massive turn off. (He'd ignore me for weeks in the same house and then randomly appear asking for sex.) I felt used and memories of it make me feel disgusted.

I've been assaulted by men in the past several times since a teen, but still had a sex life after that. In retrospect I never had sex sober for the first time with a new male partner (I'm bi) and I picked some awful ppl for relationships. I was always the one to eventually leave and then look back and realise I should have left earlier. I found out recently that I might be codependent.

These days I have no libido at all. Occasionally I try to get myself off just to relax, but if I do manage it, I barely feel anything compared to before. I've been attracted to two people (both women) since my last relationship, but never pursued anything.

I wondered if it's just menopause, but I'm late 30s, my periods are unchanged and my mother didn't hit menopause until late 40s, plus the timing of this libido loss seems to coincide with me facing up to past abuse.

I don't like hearing about others' sex lives, it's boring and I can no longer relate, which makes me realise my loss more. If there are explicit sex scenes in a movie I don't feel anything, not even uncomfortable, just like I'm watching any other scene.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel like that part of my brain has shut down or something. I don't want to be like this forever. I've mentioned it to two different therapists but they've never explored it and focused on other things instead. I would love a proper girlfriend or even a wife one day but I feel that might never happen now. Maybe that's a blessing, given my past treatment in relationships, but I'd like to improve that...but who would date me with no sex?

Hello!
Considering what you've been through and that your loss of libido coincided with you starting to face up to your past, I would say it isn't surprising that you feel this way at the moment. It sounds like you're doing good but difficult work getting in touch with your deeper feelings and the hurt you've been through so that you can heal.
I would say be kind and gentle with yourself. As you move through the healing process you will start to get your mojo back but it might take some years due to the significant trauma and loss of trust you've experienced.
Perhaps on some level you've shut down to protect yourself from the risk of further abuse / BS from partners.
I separated from an emotionally abusive ex a year and a half ago and can't get enthusiastic at all about dating at the moment. I think I need my time and energy for myself now so am going with that and trying to respect my own feelings and instincts to see where they lead me.
Good luck!