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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boundaries, respect, fed up.

17 replies

Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 09:55

So I have trust issues with DH because of his behaviour. Married 3 years, 2 little ones. It's got to a point now where it's affecting my mental health and I'm insecure and feel he's just chatting to loads of women .
Short version. No "cheating" but messaging other women, coming across as flirty at times. Chatting to an ex about me and our marriage a while ago. Line crossed. Almost split up then.

Final straw recently was I've found out he's been chatting to a friend of mine recently, and telling her things about me, my health etc (line crossed!!!!) and asking her how she copes with stuff aswell as stuff about kids(that's fine) .

Didn't see the messages but it's what he's said after I caught him hiding texts. This is someone I'm not even close to but know from my school. I have no idea why her. He deleted the messages and also lied about things which has made it all worse for me. Why hide that he's chatting. I know the answer..... because he knows he shouldnt be doing it!!!

We almost split up in November over it all because it crossed a line for me. But I have this feeling there's more to it, some of it dosent add up and I think more lines have been crossed. His behaviour isn't adding up and lies. I'm just so fkn fed up of him taking the absolute mick. I know your all going to say LTB but it's not easy for me right now to do this without going into detail. We have two very young children 4 and 6. Why do men do this ???? ive said to him would he like it if it was the other way round!!?? why do they think it's reasonable to break trust like this?

But now it's got to a point where I just don't trust him at all and it saddens me. He's just irritating me all the time. I don't know if I can get out of this feeling. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 09:58

It's not just him though is it? Why was your "friend" talking to him behind your back about you? 🚩

Personally though you can do better than him.

Original poster
Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 09:59

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 09:58

It's not just him though is it? Why was your "friend" talking to him behind your back about you? 🚩

Personally though you can do better than him.

Yep... This. Absolutely xx
Something dosent add up with it all. I don't like it at all. But I've got no proof or evidence of any wrong doing, only what he's told me

OP posts:
jojojanner · 15/01/2023 10:01

A marriage is built on trust and respect. I wouldn't stay married to him.

Arsepants · 15/01/2023 10:07

How many lines does he have to cross before you say 'enough'?
They aren't lines if they have no consequences for him
And very small children are toddlers and babies, being a little older they are still very adaptable.
I'm not saying LTB, but to unilaterally say you won't be leaving him yet are complaining about him trampling all over your lines/boundaries doesn't match

Original poster
Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 10:09

Arsepants · 15/01/2023 10:07

How many lines does he have to cross before you say 'enough'?
They aren't lines if they have no consequences for him
And very small children are toddlers and babies, being a little older they are still very adaptable.
I'm not saying LTB, but to unilaterally say you won't be leaving him yet are complaining about him trampling all over your lines/boundaries doesn't match

I'm just venting it's a difficult situation. But you are correct. I agree

OP posts:
whoknew123 · 15/01/2023 10:10

As PP has said, how many lines crossed has there been? He's not going to change and for me this behaviour is unacceptable and would be the cause for me to end the relationship.

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 10:11

But you know he's done wrong otherwise you wouldn't of spilt up so many times.

Honestly I would ask him to leave the house, and see how you feel in a month or so with some time apart. I hope you've ditched the "friend" though.

SprayedWithDettol · 15/01/2023 10:11

What @Arsepants said.

Ladybug14 · 15/01/2023 10:13

Theres little point keeping on saying that he's crossed lines when you just accept him crossing the lines and empower him to keep on crossing lines

Have some self respect Hmm Confused

WomanFromTheNorth · 15/01/2023 10:32

It won't get better so you either cut your losses and get out now while the children are still young or you have a lifetime of abuse.

Original poster
Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 10:41

Yep it's all a bit sht really. I know it's bad and everything that's gone on added up is so wrong. I have no self respect for myself because I've been walked over so many times. And I should. And I've been feelin so low recently not just because of this but things have been tough with our youngest daughter she has Sen, and me menopausal issues, how I look etc, and he knows this!!! But now, it's just been like a slap in the face.. The thing that pisses me off the most is he can't see it. He dosent think he's done anything wrong!! I've had all the usual sht "we were just chatting" "she's a mate" etc it's just so irritating!!!!

OP posts:
Ghostbuster2639 · 15/01/2023 12:29

When someone does things like this they want out, regardless of what they might say.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2023 12:59

How do you think you're 'over-reacting'? You're barely acting at all. He keeps crossing your lines, and you keep 'almost' ending it. Basically all you're doing is indicating to him that there are no lines, and venting by putting a lot of exclamation marks on your posts.

It doesn't matter why 'men' do this. If you didn't like broccoli, would you be asking 'why does broccoli do this to me??!!', or just staying away from the stuff? This isn't about him and his behaviour. He can act exactly as he pleases. It's his right. He's not obliged to feel he's done wrong, even if 99% of the population would agree with you that he had. As long as he doesn't break any laws, he can do whatever he wants. He's free to please himself, and it's his responsibility to do so.

Your responsibility is to look after yourself and your children. You know that this situation and his behaviour are bad for you. It's up to you to make a change. Stop expecting him to 'buck his ideas up' and live the way you want him to. He's proven that he doesn't respect you. Why would he suddenly start to, given that you consistently let him walk all over you?

You are in charge of your life. If you don't like something, it's not up to others to change. It's up to you to walk away.

Maray1967 · 15/01/2023 14:12

Many men do not do this. If my DH discussed my health/personal issues with other people it would be over.

Up to you whether you make the break, or give him back a taste of his own medicine. Yes, petty - but it might make him think.

ProseccoOnIce · 15/01/2023 14:35

I chose to leave a relationship where I was not treated with respect, courtesy, kindness & decency.

He is showing you who he is.

You don't need permission from tandij people on the internet to leave him.

Mari9999 · 15/01/2023 14:46

He has not crossed your boundary; you have not honored your own boundary.You establish boundaries related to your behavior and what you will or will not do and accept.

He is doing something that he finds acceptable. You do not. It is up to you to respond. You do not have the right to determine who he sees as his good friend or confidant. You do get to decide if you will or won't stay with someone who chooses to confide in your friends or former friends. Just as you needed someone with whom you could discuss your marriage, he may have had the same need.

You chose to bring your issue to the internet. He chose your friend. Both actions were driven by a need to receive input and possibly support. You relied upon the anonymity of the Internet; he sought input and support from closer sources.

Only you can decide how you wish to proceed and how elastic your boundaries may be.

I don't think that I could live with someone that I was planning to leave when it became financially convenient for me to do so. I would feel as though I were using that person, and my self respect would be greatly diminished.

whoknew123 · 16/01/2023 07:24

Mari9999 · 15/01/2023 14:46

He has not crossed your boundary; you have not honored your own boundary.You establish boundaries related to your behavior and what you will or will not do and accept.

He is doing something that he finds acceptable. You do not. It is up to you to respond. You do not have the right to determine who he sees as his good friend or confidant. You do get to decide if you will or won't stay with someone who chooses to confide in your friends or former friends. Just as you needed someone with whom you could discuss your marriage, he may have had the same need.

You chose to bring your issue to the internet. He chose your friend. Both actions were driven by a need to receive input and possibly support. You relied upon the anonymity of the Internet; he sought input and support from closer sources.

Only you can decide how you wish to proceed and how elastic your boundaries may be.

I don't think that I could live with someone that I was planning to leave when it became financially convenient for me to do so. I would feel as though I were using that person, and my self respect would be greatly diminished.

Bit of a difference asking anonymously for opinions and thoughts from people who know neither of those involved compared to discussing private details of a relationship behind someone's back with without their knowledge or agreement.

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