Little support throughout divorce. How to improve things?

[Justtreadingwater]

I've just begun going through a divorce and realising how few people I have around me to support. I don't have a close or best friend anymore since she moved abroad, so although I have a few friends, there is nobody close enough to regularly support me.

Everyone seems very busy with their own lives. One of my closest and longest friends is going through one of the happiest times of her life. She is getting married and is from a large family who are also getting engaged and married so her life is full of family social events as the group expands. She is far too busy for me and keeps putting me off.

How do I spend the time when I'm bot with my children? I just keep drinking wine alone and waking up with a headache. I don't want it to be like this. I'm not ready to start dating either.

I'm really sad for you OP. I suppose your friend wants to stay in her bliss bubble but it's sad she can't give you a bit of time.

I know it probably isn't what you're feeling like at the moment but it probably is a good idea to start doing some group activities, which might make you feel better. Exercise classes/groups, adult education, walking groups, yoga retreats, film clubs, rock choir, whatever interests you. There's bound to be something that floats your boat, and you can learn something, while hanging out with people. They won't be your best friends but it's still better than hanging out on your own.

It's a shame but there are probably other people in the same boat that would love to connect with you.

Thank you @Stunningscreamer for your suggestions. A few of my friends seem to be in "bliss bubbles" as you put it.

I am trying to be happy for people but finding it very difficult. I saw a friend yesterday at our kids' football coaching who told me of all the exciting things going on in her life and I cried when I got home.

I'm not sure if people are tactless or enjoy making others feel worse.

My divorce from my abusive ex took 3 years to complete. I had very little support and had to deal with the nastiness divorce brings.
This is what I did:

• focused on myself. Exercised and improved my diet.
• therapy - cannot tell you enough what a difference this made.
• Listening to Jay Shetty podcasts.
• tried lots of new things in the pursuit of finding a new hobby which I enjoyed. Made new friends through this.
• The whole experience made me re-evaluate which friends and family were worth keeping in my life.
• walks in nature - either on my own or with friends.

My sister was very keen for me to start dating immediately. This wasn’t right for me - I felt I had to make myself happy before I could be with anybody else.

Hope some part of my experience can help you. Feel free to PM me.

Sending you lots of 💕

Just to add at the peak of my divorce proceedings (going to court etc), my sister got married. I was of course over the moon for her but difficult - if that makes sense.

Hi justtreadingwater
Im so sorry to hear about the tough time you’re going through at the moment. I’ve been through something similar and have to agree completely with the advice @Drinknumber11 gave. Try not to be too hard on yourself and if you can get some therapy - I’ve found it very helpful. I’ve also found it helpful to imagine that I’m one of my kids and treat myself how I would treat them if they were going through the same. Be kind to yourself.
sending hugs
Xxxx

It's a horrible time and I found myself thinking exactly the same thing when going through the divorce and period after. Here's what I did and it worked for me/may not work for you.

• Gym/exercise. I used to go later in the evening, around 8pm. By the time I went, had a workout/swim and got back, I was both tired but also relaxed. It also meant I wasn't tempted to have a beer/wine on those nights.

• I focused on myself, things I liked doing but hadn't done as much of while having the kids full time - going for drives, walks, visiting family, pub trips etc

• I read more than I've ever done before, loved whiling away an evening with some music and a book

• Re-evaluated friendships and relationships as has been suggested before. I joke that my ex got custody of our joint friends which was ultimately by choice as I realised we weren't very close and they didn't reach out after the split so I simply stepped away from the relationship

• Made plans for the future, financial, social etc - gave myself some goals to focus my energies on.

• Became super house proud , decorated, reorganised, changed some furniture, focused on the garden. All good activities for taking your mind off things and giving some focus to your free time.

• Focused on hobbies - I rediscovered brewing my own beer, got back into playing rugby and a couple of other things. Great for meeting people online or real life and gave me some genuine pleasure.