Mental health volcano

[Blubberingmess23]

Sorry if its a long one but I'm really struggling....
My husband has finally exploded and walked out of the family home leaving myself and 3 children. His mental health has been an issue from day one early life trauma, mum died young, absent dad etc etc. We have our eldest together then split just after she was born moved on we both had another child with new partners but eventually got back together 6 years ago as I always said he was my true love the one that got away! We had a son 5 years ago and married 3 years ago. Life was great so I thought ..... He has always suffered and in his rages tells me he never wanted the kids etc etc but I ignored it thinking he didn't mean it and carried on. He doesn't work as he can't cope with having a boss so helps mates out now n again for a bit of extra cash. His mental health went bad and He moved out for a break last year but after 12 days and a huge discussion he came back and things where implemented for him to have it easy as possible ie me taking over kids, cleaning shopping etc ... Great was fab for a few months then he started smoking more weed and I could see him spiraling down into this black hole. I arranged appointments with his doctors got him meds etc he then said they weren't what he needed etc so stopped taking them. My illness became worse and I've had to start chemotherapy orally to try sort me out ... Wow he sprung back helped loads all be it for 5 weeks but it was great my hubby was back so I thought! Arguing started he'd tell my son 11 (his step) he hated him etc he was the cause of the arguments between us both etc etc you get the jist... Well he finally erupted on his knees with a knife to his wrists I had to call police kids begged me luckily they never saw this they just heard his shouting pots crashing smashing etc... and walked out. We have messaged and I've found out just how low he is and I feel terrible as I've failed him as a wife but I'm so hurt he has no emotions, feelings etc ..... What do I do? I wanna help so bad I love the man!

This maybe a time of strength. You must be strong for your cancer(?) treatment. Peace on your own maybe better than endless stress and puzzling over him. To me this sounds like a toxic relationship and there maybe no answer. I was in some thing similar once. After a time, I just moved on and got a divorce. I am so happy now. If its not supporting and loving, get out is my learning

You protect your children and don’t let him anywhere near any of you for a long time. He needs to seek whatever help he needs for his MH, ditch the weed and sort himself out.

You need to focus on your own health and stop thinking you can fix him because you can’t.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

If anyone’s failed here it’s your husband. He does the poor him act very well with the likes of you running around after him.

You are not responsible for him, he is. He is a grown man with agency and here you are making appointments etc for him like some quasi mother figure. What you’ve tried has not worked and will not work either.

You state you want to help him but honestly what more can you do other than you have done or tried already?. There is nothing anyway you can do. He does not want your help or support nor to be rescued or saved. You are also too close to be of any help to him, not that he wants this anyway. Are you also confusing love here with codependency?.

Put you and your kids first now. They do not need or warrant such domestic chaos in their everyday lives.

Many people also have rotten childhoods and choose actively not to act in ways like your husband has done. He had learnt that this works for him, he’s has you enabling him and his weed smoking has further exacerbated his paranoia.

Let him go. It’s over. All this romantic guff about him being the one who got away has cost you, not just to say your kids, dearly.

Arguing started he'd tell my son 11 (his step) he hated him etc he was the cause of the arguments between us both etc etc you get the jist.... He told your son he hated him and you're worried about his mental health not your son's? I really hope he didn't actually say this in your son's hearing, can't imagine how messed up your 11 year old would be by this.

Okay heard that. Now your dear son may learn that this abuse is the correct way to behave in a relationship. So the toxicity carries on. No, no contact is important. The only one that can help with mental issues is a trained professional. You may benefit from counselling too

Are your children getting help?

He can't cope with having a boss? What on earth does that mean? He sounds absolutely vile, saying he never wanted the kids, telling your child he's to blame for everything? But still he's the one you're worried about and that this is all somehow your fault? You're having chemo and the last thing you need is this unstable man child to deal with.

You seem to think he's some sort of special love of your life that you are destined to be with forever in some magical way. Really he's just an abusive, unemployed druggie who treats his step son like shit. You haven't failed as a wife in any way shape or form - but you will be failing as a mother if you get back with him.

Sorry op he sounds a Vile loser saying that to your son and not working as he can't handle having a boss?? Doesn't sound like he brings much to the family in anyway.

He’s an addict with severe MH problems due to his traumatic childhood who emotionally abuses children as he is so dysregulated.

Now he has brought this turmoil to your DC lives in the form of chaos and emotional abuse - so that they also have had a traumatic childhood which will in turn likely involve stress leading to chronic MH issues that they will likely attempt to alleviate with substances as they also hurtle through emotionally abusive relationships.

You need him gone so that you are not preoccupied fixing him but instead can repair the damage already done to your DC - even if you can’t see or recognise it yet.

You have a lot to do if you want to intervene and save your DCs from this classic intergenerational mess.

Get some professional help for yourself so that you can detach from his dysfunctional ways and protect, prioritise and nurture your DCs.