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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBX inlaws accepting his new relationship

24 replies

Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 07:11

I just need to air this.

STBX has been with OW for a long time now and his parents (STBX in laws) accept the relationship

It is painful but I know this is the natural progression of things

They haven’t been honest about the times they all meet up with the kids, I suppose to spare my feelings but I hear about it from the children afterwards

I’ve known them for 3 decades

Anyone else been in this situation?

Is the only way to protect from being hurt to detach from former inlaws?

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 15/01/2023 07:15

I think one of the saddest things about the end of a relationship is the fact that you often lose other relationships that were important in your life too. Parents will generally stick by their kids, even if they have behaved badly. In your situation I would probably just leave all further contact between your kids and their paternal relations for him to manage, doesn’t stop it hurting though.

BCBird · 15/01/2023 07:18

It will be hard I know but ultimately they will want to keep the relationship with their son. A few years ago my partner called me up out of the blue to tell me he had fallen in love with someone else. I had a good relationship with his mom. She sent me a letter saying how shocked she was. I hung onto it for a bit as I thought perhaps we could stay in touch but it was probably for the best that we didn't. It hurts I know. Unless he has dine something heinous like murder their loyalty will remain with their son. Focus on u. Take care.

Original poster
Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 07:25

STBX has another kid on the way with the GF and inlaws have now got a bolthole right near them
In laws say they want to help me with childcare but it’s obvious they want to help with the new arrival when the time comes

It is just so painful!!

It has really helped to get these responses - and so quickly

I have to mentally detach don’t I

The relationship with them is another that is going to change/be lost and that’s normal&ok

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 15/01/2023 07:30

Of course his parents will side with him, particularly when the relationship he's in has longevity and a pending child. If you have a civil and pleasant relationship with them, that's great but their loyalty to you was never going to be equal to that to their son and, by extension, his partner.

Original poster
Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 07:33

Thanks
i needed some straight talking and sense this morning

OP posts:
strumpert · 15/01/2023 08:12

I am so sorry.

This is incredibly common after divorce or break up.

I hope you can find a way forward. I'd try not to get them to do childcare for you if you can

Original poster
Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 08:15

Thanks
I am in enormous pain today about the whole split etc
its helped to get these replies

OP posts:
strumpert · 15/01/2023 08:18

How long have you been split?

(Sorry if I've missed it I have taken painkillers and I'm a bit zonked still)

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 08:21

Gently OP, what did you expect? He is their child. As harsh as it is, they were never going to choose you over him. They probably don't agree with what he did but really, can you ever imagine not wanting to see / help / be a part of the life of your child in the future because they did something you don't really agree with?

It hurts and it sucks but it's fairly obvious this was going to happen.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:23

As

Original poster
Whatsrheday · 15/01/2023 08:26

Yup
I know
Its helping me to have had this said by several people in lots of different ways
Thank you

OP posts:
Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:27

Aaaargh that would piss me off so much.

But let’s face it. Your kids are grown up a bit more? They will also be sad 😞 about their dad moving in with OW and having a baby. Use all your strength on them and help then as much as possible. They are your priority.

He’s done a shitty thing OP. His parents that have been in a marriage forever know that you are a good person and that their son is a selfish shit. They did not want this complication for him.

But they have to put on a chirpy face even though underneath they know he’s a selfish prick.

Try as hard as you can not to allow your mood to depend on anything anyone does. No one else’s actions. That’s where your happiness lies.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 08:29

Also I don't think there is anything wrong with them wanting to be closer to help with the new baby (they may also want to help you too with childcare, can it not be both?).

The baby will be their grandchild as much as your DC at the end of the day.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:30

But if you ever have contact with them and want to twist the knife, you can always say:

’well it’s not ideal for our children, and not that I had a choice over it, but I know they are resilient’

’i am going to do the best for them’

’they are my priority’

kids kids kids and you can not go wrong.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:34

The baby is a product of the woman who came on the scene when the guy was a MM with 3 kids. It’s not the kids fault, of course, and they should have love.

But the morality of OW is far below OP. It’s the difference between snake and dog.
one that took a father from having his kids in his life 24/7 to bring with her selfish self.

This would reflect in her personality somewhat. What do they call it? Lack of empathy?

Don’t worry OP she’s far below you and the in-laws know this.

You can be all smiles but the rot shows regardless. Just give it time.

gemsandmilk · 15/01/2023 08:36

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:27

Aaaargh that would piss me off so much.

But let’s face it. Your kids are grown up a bit more? They will also be sad 😞 about their dad moving in with OW and having a baby. Use all your strength on them and help then as much as possible. They are your priority.

He’s done a shitty thing OP. His parents that have been in a marriage forever know that you are a good person and that their son is a selfish shit. They did not want this complication for him.

But they have to put on a chirpy face even though underneath they know he’s a selfish prick.

Try as hard as you can not to allow your mood to depend on anything anyone does. No one else’s actions. That’s where your happiness lies.

This.

Courage, OP. They haven’t brought him up terribly well and I expect they know that deep down.

You have to detach. Do you still have your own parents? If so, why not call them to reaffirm you are loved. If not, a close family member or friend. You are also loved and also important.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 08:36

The morality of the OW (and him, surely he's the most to blame being the one married and all?), Is nothing to do with the baby and won't (I hope) affect how his parents feel about it. That's how it should be.

The fact the parents may be helping with the new baby is nothing for OP to be pissed off about (not that she has said she is).

stepstepstep · 15/01/2023 08:36

It is possible to maintain that relationship though, as long as you don’t treat it as a contest & expect people to take sides. My ex has a good relationship with my parents & I do with his mum. But there was no betrayal involved in our break up, so this makes it much easier. If you focus on creating a village around the kids & their needs it takes some of the sting out of the adult relationships.

NGL it irked me a bit at the start, when it was all very painful that my parents didn’t cut all ties with ex, because I wanted them in my camp! But now I can see the wisdom of it & my kids have fully engaged GPs on both sides.

Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:44

Agree with @stepstepstep 100% maintain a god relationshio with the inlaws forvyiur chikdren and chikdcare help too. It could be a good place your kids can escape to instead of spending time with OW much. With a small baby she may want to have them clear the house.

Its a place they feel loved.

Three is a huge difference between the OP and the OW. Huge.

OP would you ever want a man that’s got kid commitments in your flat? For yourself?

Of course not.

I wouldn’t.

But some women don’t even make it a consideration.

So no, it’s not a contest, but truly OP, it allows you to move on knowing they don’t have anything special there.

True love is saying I will wait for you after you honour your commitments. This ain’t true love.

BarrelOfOtters · 15/01/2023 08:44

From experience of being the new wife (not other woman and I didn’t have kids with Dh) it’s kind of tricky on her side too. If you can keep a relationship with your ex, his parents and even his new partner it makes Christmas, christenings, weddings etc all so much easier for everyone in the future. Particularly for the children but also for you.

it’ll be a different relationship but you can have one.

and I know him running off with her makes it all immeasurably different and difficult but give yourself time to grieve the ending of this but don’t cut ties.

gogohmm · 15/01/2023 09:27

Of course they will see the new partner. My my ex il's also welcome my new dp when I visit and we've all been at the same events like a thoroughly modern family. Ex mil still can't believe we are amicable, she won't be in the same district as her ex's knowingly which means dads weren't present at weddings, I'm still sad for exh's dad who is lovely (they reconnected more recently)

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 09:49

Yeah, he’s their child yady yady yada, but of course it’s painful that after 30 years, they’re so accepting of his adultery and excited about the result of it. Whichever way you look at that, the OP is justified in that pain, which comes on top of the pain of what her husband actually did.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 10:14

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 09:49

Yeah, he’s their child yady yady yada, but of course it’s painful that after 30 years, they’re so accepting of his adultery and excited about the result of it. Whichever way you look at that, the OP is justified in that pain, which comes on top of the pain of what her husband actually did.

Of course she's justified in being upset but I don't see what they are doing as anything abnormal either. Would anyone here stop seeing their child because they didn't agree with their behaviour? Or not be excited about a new grandchild because they didn't like how they'd been conceived? They aren't doing anything wrong or unexpected.

Neither is OP wrong to be upset.

WandaWonder · 15/01/2023 10:17

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 09:49

Yeah, he’s their child yady yady yada, but of course it’s painful that after 30 years, they’re so accepting of his adultery and excited about the result of it. Whichever way you look at that, the OP is justified in that pain, which comes on top of the pain of what her husband actually did.

The op can be as upset as she wants they are not doing anything wrong

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