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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else?

14 replies

AromaSun · 14/01/2023 23:28

Feel like this? Life really is shit, isn’t it. I feel like every day is the same. I’m stuck in a depressing relationship with all the responsibilities on myself. I don’t think I’m genuinely depressed, just this situation I’m in. I’m fantasising about other men. Even in my dreams lol. No love, no affection. It’s killing me. I need something or someone to make me feel like I matter, that I’m important. I deserve to be a priority. This person seemingly is incapable of empathy, emotional connection. All they talk about is money, the weather, brings home shopping etc. Works hard and provides for the family definitely. There is no closeness, no intimacy, no laughter. It’s all fact. I feel so sad and alone. I’m wondering if anyone else feels like this or in the same situation?

OP posts:
Charlie1872 · 14/01/2023 23:33

Sorry to hear this @AromaSun , have you tried to speak to him about this? Is he willing to change ? Do you have children? He sounds slightly autistic/Asperger's. How old are you both? Sending you strength as it must be so difficult.

Original poster
AromaSun · 14/01/2023 23:45

Charlie1872 · 14/01/2023 23:33

Sorry to hear this @AromaSun , have you tried to speak to him about this? Is he willing to change ? Do you have children? He sounds slightly autistic/Asperger's. How old are you both? Sending you strength as it must be so difficult.

Thank you @Charlie1872 yes I used to speak to him about it, we are in our 40's and been together 8 years. Both divorced. We have a little girl. Sometimes he tries but I feel like it's pointless now as it's been like death from a thousand cuts. So much has been said "he even said when I was depressed I should go and kill myself. He hates my family and friends. I'm doing everything I can to be strong. I definitely think he could have Asperger's I have even joked before with him. Basically all he cares about is working, talking about current affairs, money. He gets very fixated on certain things and can't let it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
AromaSun · 14/01/2023 23:58

Charlie1872 · 14/01/2023 23:33

Sorry to hear this @AromaSun , have you tried to speak to him about this? Is he willing to change ? Do you have children? He sounds slightly autistic/Asperger's. How old are you both? Sending you strength as it must be so difficult.

For a few years I thought he was a Narcissist but I definitely think he could be on the side of Asperger's. I will give a few examples:
He thinks he's amazing at work and deserves promotion. Everyone else is rubbish.
He is very vain, always criticising his appearance. He goes to the gym every day. Even at 4am
If I am ill or sick it's a complete inconvenience, I get no help or concern.
We no longer have intimacy. It was so wooden, I don't have an interest in it anymore although I do still have the want. He's just so robotic there is no point.
There is just no genuine laughter or fun. I'm quite a fun person I think. He can't take a joke etc. I could go on and on. I'm so miserable

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 00:18

The only thing you need to do is get yourself to a solicitor to end this toxic nightmare of a marriage. You tried, it didn't work out. There is no shame in that. The only shame would be for you to waste one more day being this unhappy.

Maytodecember · 15/01/2023 00:19

Can you afford to leave? Is the house jointly owned or rented?
Life’s too short to be so unhappy and it doesn’t sound as if your husband will change, this sounds like his personality.

Original poster
AromaSun · 15/01/2023 00:25

Maytodecember · 15/01/2023 00:19

Can you afford to leave? Is the house jointly owned or rented?
Life’s too short to be so unhappy and it doesn’t sound as if your husband will change, this sounds like his personality.

It's my house. I'm the one on the mortgage. He has taken out loans though to clear debt. But not cleared mine. He suggested a joint account a couple of years ago. I'm now regretting that decision massively

OP posts:
Original poster
AromaSun · 15/01/2023 00:28

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 00:18

The only thing you need to do is get yourself to a solicitor to end this toxic nightmare of a marriage. You tried, it didn't work out. There is no shame in that. The only shame would be for you to waste one more day being this unhappy.

We are not married so is that easier? I'm so unhappy but still putting a face on

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/01/2023 03:08

Absolutely it's easier, the house is yours for a start and you are not responsible for his loans - which is debt all the same.
Would he go easily if you asked him to leave? Give him reasonable notice so he has time to sort a place to go, if he doesn't, you could have him removed.

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2023 03:58

How do you expect anyone to make you a priority when you can't even make yourself a priority?

Here you are in a shit relationship, still fantasising about other men before even finding the courage to get free from this one!

Get out snd and be single until you have learned to love yourself. Learn to prioritise you. Once you do, others will too. Or, if they don't, you won't be caring because you'll just remove them from your life and skip away.

YOU need to change. YOU need to prioritise you. And that means choosing upurself in thr first place and getting out of this shit relationship.

HappyBunnyNow · 15/01/2023 04:33

I can relate to your situation. I decided to leave after couples counselling didn't help. Have you thought about trying it, would he go? If you say that you're not happy and want to try it at least he's had a fair warning. If he's not interested then at least you know that nothing will change and can make other plans. Being single with good friends is a much better deal than being with a partner who gives no emotional support or love.
Good luck! 🤗

Monty27 · 15/01/2023 05:17

It's your call @AromaSun . You're participating by not changing it.

Zanatdy · 15/01/2023 06:40

The relationship is over, it’s dead in the water and no amount of talking will change who he is. Ask him to leave and enjoy being single for a while. When you’re ready, find yourself someone else who can satisfy you and more importantly make you happy. Life’s too short

catfunk · 15/01/2023 07:07

Errrm surely you know you need to kick him out

OldFan · 15/01/2023 08:45

It does sound like he has some narcissism with his superiority complex, vanity etc.

Either way he's awful and abusive, please separate from him.

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