Everyone in our household of 3 is depressed

[LindorDoubleChoc]

DH due to work stress and a health condition.

DS (19) due to not being sure about future and very bad break up with girlfriend.

Me due to living with both of the above and dealing with very unhappy (also depressed) 91 year old parent in care home.

It's just a case of who cracks first quite honestly. What are we supposed to do? We want to support each other but all of our support resources are quite low.

I think the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Obviously support the others as much as you are able but make dues you eat well, take gentle exercise and have some social time away from the family.

I know it's much easier said than done though

Can you find some positivity somewhere ? We need to be more grateful for what we have and less sad about what we don't.

That outlook helps keep me sane!

Same boat here, Lindor. I know that doesn’t help, but I do sympathize.

That's tough. All you can do is take care of yourselves, and encourage DS to take very good care of himself. Do it together when you can. Get him to help prep healthy food with you. Drag him out for a walk or run or to the gym or for a swim ideally in an open air pool. Ask DH to come too but dont turn yourself in to the carer for all three. He has to sort himself out.

Teach your DS the life grid from Feel the Fear. Draw a big square and divide it into 9 squares. Put an aspect of life into each one - fitness, family, romance, friends, work, hobbies etc. One should be community contribution, the rest are up to you. You then do something each week (or ideally each day but with depression, go easy on yourselves) to improve each aspect of your life. So increase fitness levels by doing an extra run or walk or gym session; increase community contribution by not just taking stuff to the charity shop but signing up to help at a food bank etc. Your DS might find it hard to work on the romance box - he could leave it out for now and focus on something else or he could use it to look up Ted talks and good online material on how to get over heartbreak, or when he's ready to sort out an OLD profile for himself etc.

Try to have some tiny 5-15 minute times when you take a break from the depression. (I had clinical depression for twenty years so although it sounds weird, it is possible, I promise.) Put on some upbeat or really soothing music and just sit and listen and breathe, or dance to it. Watch a feelgood film or a rerun of a favourite comedy. It might only distract you for a short moment, but that's a valubale break from the relentlessness.

Can you spend some time playing a game? Even a hand of cards can help.

Round Robin.
Make sure 1 of you gets a regular MH day every week, and take turns.
On a MH day…you’re not required to do any household tasks. The other two do them. Basically take turns making 1 of you feel cared for and loved.

(If can also call off work or school once a month on your MH day, that would be ideal)

Playing a game is a great idea and would be so lovely! Our work/shift patterns are all so random that it's hard to achieve. Son works late shifts in a pub and rarely gets up before 1pm. I work 9am to 1pm. Dh works 70 hours a week a lot of the time. DS loves us very much but what 19 year old wants to hang out with their parents?

can I ask do you mean proper clinical depression diagnosed by a doctor or just unhappy?

Can I also ask gently, why are you working part time when your husband is working 70 hours a week and suffering from stress due to it. Would it not be better for you to work full time and him to reduce his hours?.

You need to decide to change this. Together. Take control

Can your DH possibly reduce his working hours? 70 hrs/week is too much for anyone longterm, it’s no surprise that he’s stressed. If he works shifts, he really needs to drop at least one per week. One of my friends in the medical field requested to drop a shift last year and it’s made a huge difference to her. Money isn’t everything.

Re. Your DS. It can be hard for teenagers to put everything in perspective. My DD (nearly 18) can get very upset when talking about her future plans as she feels that everything’s uncertain and she’s not sure whether she’s making the right choices. I know, of course, that having a cry isn’t the same as depression at all, but I think it’s the uncertainty that worries them so much.

I reassure her that whatever choices she makes, she can always rethink and change them. Nothing is set in stone and we ALL make mistakes and even have regrets. But that’s OK, as long as you do what’s best for you (I.e., don’t compare yourself to other people). Perhaps your DS needs to talk to you or another trusted person about what he’d like to do with his life and start looking into various options? The bad breakup is different, it’ll take time to recover from. Are you comfortable talking about relationships with him? I’ve told my DD about my worst breakup and that I was still in love with him for ages afterwards, it’s perfectly normal. Then I met her Dad and my ex became a distant memory!

I can’t advise on your elderly parent as I’m going through similar myself and it’s hard. I keep plodding along trying to support them and I’ve learnt to ask other people for help as I can’t do everything ( including providing all the emotional support). If you have siblings or other close relatives, tell them what’s happening, because even a phone call or visiting your parent can help-it helps my Dad anyway. Good luck, OP. 💐

Go for a nature walk, spend some time in nature, go to a movie - just do something to shake things up. I find it helps.