Loneliness

[Stclement]

It has been a difficult separation that has gone on too long - divorce is now under way
He has his whole new life and I am stuck with the kids, one has significant SEN

Its evenings that get to me

Hard to rebuild life as sitters are hard to come by
and even if there is one, there’s not much to go to

I am not sure why I am posting - I guess that’s how lonely I am
and maybe someone reading this will have a tip that helps me out of this

Look at joining a group. I found that I'd plan a night out and if it was with one person you can easily be let down. If it's a group you know you will get out. Aim for once a month at first.
Once the kids are in bed invite a friend over one a week.
Do a relaxing yoga ritual before bed so it feels like you've done something for yourself.
Do you have the energy to do a online course?
I've been there, it's hard. As the kids get older things get better.

Do you really think "stuck with the kids"?

Your kids are most likely to give you the most pure love you will ever have.

There are many people who will never experience the love of having a child, that give and take.

Can you not think the kids are in bed, warm, safe. You can use you evenings to expand who you are with no one else telling you you can't or shouldn't.

From your post you think "he has a new life" sounds like jealousy perhaps yet I fail to see what there is to be jealous about.

Can you turn loneliness into just simple contentment?

Really feel for you. I'm sorry you've been left alone with so much to cope with.

Have you looked for local social groups on Facebook? Put women's social group in search. Or look on local groups for anything going on. Do you have a community centre near you?

Keep posting here we're here for you ❤️

I don't think you're helping. OP is reaching out. Maybe her wording isn't to your liking but loneliness is crippling.

Thanks

The kid with SEN is still always up for a while so it’s tricky

All the tips help and have taken the edge off it

thanks

When you're on your own with children and no avenues to being yourself or avenues to meet other adults yes it really is "stuck with the kids"

@Stclement people on here meet up too. I've made friends from mumsnet. One I've known for eons.

I hear you. Loneliness is the part that l found the hardest when l left my relationship. Glad to be out but found it tough. I was also alone with the kids and no help at all. Do you have any hobbies?

When you're on your own with children and no avenues to being yourself or avenues to meet other adults yes it really is "stuck with the kids

Yes I get that, and if you have no avenues of change then perhaps, perhaps hey, changing your mindset a bit might help. Might help a bit. Just an alternative point of view that's all.

Try the site sitters.co.uk for evening babysitters. Many are childminders.

The lonely feeling is so painful

I think it’s got a lot to do with accepting the relationship is over, deep down acknowledging there is no way back

And, actually being in my own company, which gives me time to over-think

I need a divorce support group or something like that!!

I have been in the OP's position in the past and replies like this are incredibly unhelpful and show a complete lack of awareness and understanding.

It can feel that you are 'stuck with the kids', no matter how much you love them.

Children, of course, give love but they don't provide adult companionship, they don't offer reassurance, they don't offer a break from the mundanity of your everyday life. They don't provide and adult connection, they don't offer support or a listening ear.

Children can feel overwhelming being strong for the children is overwhelming. Never being able to sit in peace is overwhelming. The feeling of being solely responsible for their wel being and knowing that you can't fall apart even for a moment is overwhelming.

Children are a responsibility and its not a two way equal relationship. They can make you feel scared for the future; scared that you are 'trapped' in a situation you cannot change.

It's really insensitive to suggest that someone should not feel lonely because other people would like children but don't have them.

All of the aboove is amplified when you have a child with significant SN which suggests the OP doesn't even have the reassurance that things will improve when the children get older.

Frozendaisy your reply completely undermines how she is feeling and not helpful at all. Have you actually read her post? Do you know anything about children with significant SN? She is reaching out for helpful advice and tips as she is feeling really lost in her current situation. Going through seperation, divorce is on its own a very uncertain time that brings a lot of mixed emotions and at times feeling very lost. Trying to find your feet all over again. She is not saying her children don't bring her love. Also the comment of kids are in bed warm and safe. Children with SN often have sleep disorders so getting that time for yourself can be impossible. I am going through very similar and also a child with SN and know full well how exhausted and helpless you can feel at times. And that uncertainty of what your future holds that comes with a child with SN as well as trying to juggle every day life with all of your children.

Right now I don't have much advice I that I can offer, except for a handhold. knowing exactly where you are coming from

@Stclement www.meetup.com/topics/divorcesupport/gb/ Meetup has divorce support groups.

I’ve just come out of a relationship and it’s one of the hardest parts to splitting up . Sitting on my own night after night . Coming home and he’s not there. I have children who don’t live with me and even when they come round it’s still not the same . It’s not cuddles on the sofa . I haven’t put the tv on since he’s been gone coz I feel like it makes me miss him more .

just know that you ain’t the only one going through this. We can hopefully start enjoying our own company soon .

Why are you not getting 50% of the time without the kids?

Are you eligible for respite/direct payments for your SEN DC op? Even a few hours a week could do you good.

Hardly any direct payments so it is hard to find someone to cover those hours & at that rate; I’ve applied for more

Their dad will only do the hours he has set which is not very much; he has a second family now

I think the divorce support groups are a place to start; none of those ones are in my area but there must be something online

actually being in my own company, which gives me time to over-think

This is the issue you need to fix. Not your situation, but your own relationship with yourself. If you were spending your time being fabulous to yourself, your own company would be something you'd crave, not something you'd need other people to take your mind off.

So, why aren't you being fabulous to yourself and what can you do to get started on that? It's 'Project: You'.

That, is a very good point

I was, and lost sight of that in the run up to and over Christmas

Ah OP I feel for you. Also - your kids aren't there to meet your adult needs, well done for not putting your adult needs on your dc.

What SEN needs does your dc have? Does it make getting out tricky? When my dc were primary age (even secondary although I'd have to drag them) we had a NT pass. It was great and we had an adventure every weekend. We also did a martial arts class together. I made friends there.

Music, gratitude, exercise and making yourself smile will help you find you again. Also audio books are great. You can potter around listening to them without feeling like you're wasting your evenings on the sofa.

@Stclement is there a gingerbread group near you?

You obviously want some adult company which is understandable. Because of covid a lot more stuff went online and one of my friends does an online yoga class. I actually belong to an online hobby group as well and we meet up on teams, it’s actually quite good and we are scattered across the country so couldn’t meet up in person easily anyway. I am in a hiking group that I found on meet up so we do meet in real life obviously but when not off on hike they have an online quiz once a month. I bet there are some online groups on meet up that do just online stuff. It’s not exactly what you want but would fill a need for a while due to the issue of being at home.

hi OP, I'm in a similar situation in that I am a LP who has my DD 100% of the time, no family nearby to help and because of the situation I can't build a social life, old friends have dropped away.

It is really tough, and ignore the PP who said that you should get enough from your kids alone! You have social needs that can't be met through doing childcare or being a mother.

the ways I deal with it are working on a self employed business during the evenings, having a structured day with regular habits, daily exercise at home etc. Somehow the routine gives me a structure that makes the loneliness bearable. Social stuff has to be done when the kids are at school, maybe book yourself in part time course or something, even if it's done on zoom. You need time out of the house - even if it is with the kids - regularly on a weekly basis like one outing a week or even just a trip to the park / shops.

As PP has suggested podcasts are really great - I find self help ones focussed on loneliness or self improvement, single parenting etc to be a real support.

Regular calls with family and old friends when you can. Career can be important and an important distraction - even if you don't have a full time job, something you can focus on in the evenings eg. start a blog / set up a small craft business / social media page or something fun for you to focus on.

Sometimes the only way is through, you can do everything to try to make new friends but remember it won't last forever and try not to get disheartened if you can't maintain it - try to make your situation the new "normal".

Find a few good sitcoms or tv shows you look forwards to each evening.

Finally I think in some ways we have to reframe the loneliness - think of it as a large amount of time you now have to focus on yourself / your personal development / your interests etc in the evenings. What part of your personality are you going to grow, what new hobbies can you do, what yoga can you do in the eve to improve your health etc etc. It's not perfect but it is a gift in that sense and you might find these things more fulfilling ultimately, because you are doing something really meaningful to help you develop.

Eventually you will have free time again!

Wow this is brilliant stuff thank you

I am already listening to an audiobook after someone suggested that this morning!

Will incorporate these other tips too