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Original poster

Reminding husband means he adds tasks to my long list

50 replies

Inkypinkee · 14/01/2023 15:44

My husband forgets things I have asked him to help with around the house. He can forget these tasks for weeks on end. I remind him now and then, especially when I feel that my to do list is massive and I really need him to tick some tasks off that day.

I don’t interrupt him when he is doing something important or has other plans, I just remind him about these things he needs to do normally in the morning when we are planning the day.

He normally responds with some sighing, and then reels off things he wants me to do. This pisses me off. The reason I am reminding him is that my list is already long and I need help. I don’t need more things on my list. Also he tends to list things he needs me to do that benefit him personally, not household tasks (which is what I am normally reminding him about).

Am I being an arse? Is it ok to respond to reminders with reminders for the other person?

so as not to drip feed… no the household tasks and mental effort are not equal, I’m mostly doing it, hence reminding him I need help. He struggles to complete ad-hoc tasks, but over the years has managed to pick up routine scheduled jobs (the usual bins and dishwasher). Though he does have to be reminded of these too sometimes!

Also, I have normally completed the things he asks me to do already, or they are not my responsibility.

it feels a bit like he doesn’t want me to remind him, so goes on the attack looking for things I have forgotten, so I won’t ask again

OP posts:
layladomino · 14/01/2023 18:05

Does he manage to hold a job down?

Any adult should be able to look after themselves and a house without another adult having to babysit them. He is either taking the p*ss because he's really lazy and selfish, or he's utterly useless.

He values his time more than yours. He thinks he's 'helping' or doing you a favour by doing housework.

Does he understand that looking after the home is as much his job as yours (appreciate if one of you works outside the home more than the other then there will be a fair imbalance of work inside the home). Basically - you should both get the same amount of 'downtime' / time for yourself or for hobbies.

It isn't your job to pick up after him or to remind him of his chores. I had to do that with my DCs when they were teens, but I couldn't be attracted to, or respect, a grown man who acts like a teenager.

I'd stop reminding him. He's got a memory just like you have. He can write a list just like you can. By reminding him, it reinforced the idea that they are your jobs and he's just helping you. Stop doing things for him. Don't do his washing or ironing or buying his family presents or making his appointments.

But really, can you respect and fancy someone who treats you like this?

uhOhOP · 14/01/2023 18:15

Another one of these pathetic people.

No, you're not being an arse. No, it's not alright to respond to reminders with reminders for you, even if they were for things that are actually your responsibility. If he had a shred of maturity he would graciously accept that he's failed to do what he said he would do, and then commit to doing it immediately or as soon as possible.

Does the man not have access to a pen and a sheet of paper so he can write down his tasks for the day if he knows he is a forgetful person? Or is it that he's a "forgetful" person? As always comes up on threads like this, he has a job and presumably doesn't need to be micromanaged, so what's the problem when it comes to household chores? I get so annoyed by people like this. I really understand how much it can bring down the other person.

Original poster
Inkypinkee · 14/01/2023 20:46

Thanks for the replies, glad I’m not the one who’s being an arse.

yes he has a job and all that, so I’m just going to stop reminding him, and if something that was his responsibility falls to bits it’s on his head

i have stopped washing his clothes and reminding him about his families birthdays, he is often out of clothes and birthdays are forgotten

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 14/01/2023 20:56

Ugh, awful. I don’t understand how people can live with this. I couldn’t be bothered with an extra big baby to look after.

I’d consider living separately if I’m honest. He’s selfish, lazy, and has a bad attitude.

catsnore · 14/01/2023 20:57

Have you tried a reminder list? Then it's like the list is reminding him and not you 😂

Maytodecember · 14/01/2023 21:00

Good Lord, what are his other servants doing while he’s giving you orders?
I’d be working to rule where no meals, clean clothes and whatever else he expects you to do for him appeared. Tell him the shopping, cleaning and cooking fairies walked out and you may well join them.

Margo34 · 14/01/2023 21:09

catsnore · 14/01/2023 20:57

Have you tried a reminder list? Then it's like the list is reminding him and not you 😂

Don't do this. No point adding to your own workload to write a list that'll be ignored because your respective other is already a lazy arse.

Mine is a lazy arse too. Last week he told me he felt unappreciated and all I could think to thank him for was attempting to open the curtains (which incidentally got caught and he managed to pull off the rail and left hanging down). I reciprocated by saying "you haven't thanked me for.....this....and this...this....etc" and reeled off a massive long list. He shut up after that and sulked off, attempted to put the washing machine on (just his clothes though), but still came to ask me what setting and how much powder to use. I told him "You're an adult. You can read. The instruction manual and box of powder are just as available to you as they are to me."

I have stopped reminding mine of things either. He still has Christmas cards for his family waiting to be sent - he did manage to put stamps on them today though.

uhOhOP · 14/01/2023 21:18

catsnore · 14/01/2023 20:57

Have you tried a reminder list? Then it's like the list is reminding him and not you 😂

No, no, no.

OP, please ignore any replies like this, those that suggest you help your useless husband to do his chores by, well, telling him what to do and when to do it, thereby adding to your own workload. Writing him a list, making a schedule of weekly household chores for him to consult, and so on, don't bother. I assume nobody wrote you a list. Why does he need you to write one for him?

Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 06:55

I won’t be writing a list! I already have to do one if he does food shopping or he is unable to buy the correct items.

if I accuse him of being a lazy arse he tells me he doesn’t mean to not help, and he would help if I just ask, but he’s not a kind reader

but the mess I fear is invisible to him, or his tolerance to it higher than mine

I read an article the said that a job that needs doing in a house generates effort in a women, either to do the job, to ask someone else to do the job, or effort to ignore the job and mess in the hopes that someone will notice it and do it. Either way it’s effort.

separate houses sounds great and I feel like the children might agree!

OP posts:
Amsooverthis · 15/01/2023 07:29

I spent nearly 2 decades like this, unbelievable when I look back. Interesting you say the children might agree. Both myself and the kids are happier he is no longer here, he was a manchild and a fun vacuum and life is so much easier on our own. It's learned incompetence, funnily unlearned when they actually have to live alone.

habiller · 15/01/2023 07:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/01/2023 07:45

Just tell him to use whatever method he uses to remember other things. If it’s his memory and it’s at full capacity tell him to use notes/calendar on his phone which will alert him when he should be doing his part of sharing a home

habiller · 15/01/2023 07:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 07:56

i have been trying to ignore things more in the hopes he might notice. I have left the skirting boards for six months now. They are thick with dust. I have stopped cleaning one of the toilets, it has a black ring at the waterline. Under the loo seat is dried on piss.

I don’t wash his clothes anymore, and I don’t buy him food for his breakfast and lunch. I used to make everyone lunch together. Now he just buys his food and makes his own lunch, never lunch for everyone.he never makes breakfast for the children.

I agree on the cooking, I like doing that too, but at least it’s something.

if I’m away for the day he can do these things for the children, but he only does them if I am not available

I feel like I am extra unhappy these past few weekends but he hasn’t noticed that either

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 15/01/2023 08:13

My exH was like this. I actually posted about him years back and was told to LTB Grin Well I did, eventually, but not until things got much worse. Anyway, ex was like this, and we sat down and had a bit talk about the disparity, and about it being a joint reponsibilty, and that I wasn't the household manager, and how the mental load was a job itself, and that I wanted a partner not another child. He would complain a bit, (he worked so hard, was tired etc. We were both full time, in the same job!) He would eventually ask what I wanted him to do, would get better for a bit, then slip back, because at the core of it, he didn't see the household as his responsibilty.

I have been with DP for a few years now, he moved in a while back. Moving into an already established household, with routines in place, probably made it a bit more difficult for him. He would happily do any job I asked him to,but there was still a disparity in mental load. So we sat down and had a chat about it, and he apologised, went away and wrote himself a rota, asked if it was ok to take certain jobs on as his own, and set himself reminders on his phone. There are now a bunch of house things that I never even think about. I've come downstairs this morning to find he finished the laundry last night too, after I went to bed. This is our home, we look after it as a team.

I'm guessing you've had a chat OP, probably several by now. Is he just lazy, or does he just think this shit is your responsibility?

Mumsanetta · 15/01/2023 08:16

Sorry OP, I couldn’t deal with a third man child unless he was, despite it all, bringing real love and joy to my life.

How old are your children? Do you work? I’m asking because if, for example, you have school age children but are a SAHP then perhaps I would accept that the vast majority of household chores should fall on you.

If this is not the case, it might be time to seriously consider whether you want to stay married to him if he continues as he is and give him a real warning about the state of his marriage. Tell him exactly in the way you have set it out here without sugar coating it.

Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 08:19

We have had a chat, he said he needs a list, he doesn’t know what needs doing, he’s busy, he forgot, he’s trying, he doesn’t mean it, it’s not deliberate. But nothing changes.

Another weekend where the basics are ignored, the bathroom sink is dirty when I come to use it, mould around the plug hole and toothpaste all over the taps, the kitchen sink is full of bits and grease, the bins overflowing. Tools from previous diy jobs left in piles, paperwork in piles that needs to go in the bin, envelopes from opening post just left on the counter in the kitchen.

god I have to leave him don’t I

OP posts:
Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 08:21

We both work, I work a few more hours than he does but in a lower paid job as my career took a hit when raising kids. I would say both our jobs are as demanding as each others. children are both school age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 08:29

Maybe relevant but he pays much more of the bills than I do, due to my lower wage. Maybe he feels he’s fine his bit by paying more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inkypinkee · 15/01/2023 08:29

… Done his bit

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 15/01/2023 08:40

I agree that he doesn't see these tasks as his responsibility. He thinks they're your job. It's like why have a dog and bark yourself. Yes, you're the dog in this scenario. I bet if he was living by himself, he would do these things.

SpookyBlackCat · 15/01/2023 08:42

Also, don't overthink his reasons. He does see the mess, he is capable of doing the tasks and the deflecting of the tasks by telling you all the things he wants you to do is deliberate. He's not an idiot. He's just a lazy fucker!

Stunningscreamer · 15/01/2023 08:46

Am I being an arse? Is it ok to respond to reminders with reminders for the other person?

No you're not being an arse, he is! It's a manipulative way of getting out of helping doing the adult things that adults are supposed to do as part of being adult.

He's trying to guilt you/wear you down into not asking him to do anything so you take all the burden. He thinks he's too important to sully himself. This kind of thing kills love eventually.

habiller · 15/01/2023 08:47

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

LouLou198 · 15/01/2023 08:51

I am in the same situation. He has asked for lists, by the time I have written the list the job could be done. I've given up now and just do everything myself, and resigned myself to the face this is how life will be for me.