Not sure what is reasonable here - skiing without me

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

Ok, dp and I have had to cool things off a bit because we were essentially rowing with each other over everything because he is divorcing and it is stressful and I have been a bit of a needy twunt in response to his need for space to cope with divorce stress. I've had some very good advice about all that and we seem to have reached some concensus about the way forward.

Anyway, there has always been talk about a 4 day ski break with his male friends in March and thus far dp has been anti going.

We were supposed to be on holiday in May together but he decided at the last minute that money concerns were too big and it was too risky and foolish to be planning a big holiday at this moment in time. So, holiday cancelled.

Now, since we've cooled things off a bit, the mates have been much more back on the scene which is good but I am hyper aware of how I was the most important thing until a few weeks ago and now I'm not to the point of him going out without me when the babysitter didn't show last week.

What's happened now is the ski holiday is now of interest to him and he is making plans to go. I'm a bit in disbelief as I think I should have been prioritised here for these reasons:

1)He criticised his mates for not being all that supportive when the divorce was getting stressy. I did loads of stuff to help such as forms and covering his business so he could go to solicitors and so on...
2)Our holiday got cancelled so if there's money available to go away surely we should be looking at booking our time together due to earlier disappointment.
3)The court date is the day before the ski holiday and after all we've been through and all the support I've given it feels like a kick in the teeth that he is going to disappear of with his buddies the day after.

He thinks I'm being untrusting which is soooo not what my issue is.

Worth consideration is the fact that the wife he is divorcing apparently disallowed him from doing anything he wanted pretty much and was very untrusting as to his monogamy. Secondly, I owe him money and cannot contribute much to the holiday - though this was the case at the time when we were about to book for May.

Help! We are fallign out about this after we had managed to achieve a bit of calm. I just want to know what is reasonable.

PS I am needy at the mo...big time.

Ok three issues here from what I can tell:

1. He leapt straight out of his unhappy marriage into a full on relationship with you. IMO that was unwise; would have been far more sensible for him to have had some space and time to deal with the situation he'd left first thus leaving him in a healthy emotional state to commence a new relationship. He is clearly trying to have his 'space' time now which is probably much needed. Quite possibly he will return from the holiday in a more positive frame of mind which will in turn positively affect your relationship with him.

1. Things were very serious right from the off. The babysitter issue tells me clearly that he is backing off from the commitment aspect of the relationship, and 'doing his own thing'. Yes you did offer him support and help, but I suppose he doesn't feel that he needs to thank you for that maybe? I can completely understand how you might feel a bit used and discarded given his behaviour but I honestly think he is just trying to develop some social and financial independence.

1. You need to continue with your own counselling etc as several issues are still affecting the way you function with relationships. You know that but your needy responses are ONLY going to push him away.

Hiya

(am trying to buy back my domain bu is not showing as available, btw.)

Well, yesterday we had a verrry good talk. He said he regrets talking about moving in as he wasn't ready particularly as we both ended up reacting so badly to stress... he said he has said a lot of things which he regrets and is sorry for that and that it has been a historic feature with him

He said he wants to create the space that will hopefully save our floundering relationship and illustrated the benefit by commenting how much better we were together yesterday having had some.

He said he was torn that night of the failed babysitter but he decided to stick to his guns and go and not let his friends down. I reminded him I didn't take him to task on this as actually I was ok with it. Was still nice to hear that he did actually consider staying for a nanosecond. Reckons he talked about me and though about me a lot that eve. (he did text me a lot)

He has promised to book something up holiday-wise for us ASAP.

Other opinion appreciated AIBU?

Your second post does sound like he's trying to be reasonable. If it's just a 4-day ski break, perhaps you should let him go.

I'm not au fait with the history but by the sounds of it he needs some space and although you may feel marginalised you perhaps need to let him go. Is he the father of your dc ? I gather it might be a recent relationship in which case you can't expect to have much hold anyway and you may benefit too.