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Original poster

Alcoholic friend projecting. How to deal with her?

27 replies

randommessage · 14/01/2023 12:25

We spent time together over Christmas and had a few nights in with drinks.
She has decided now that I drink too much and is 'concerned'.

She has a habit of projecting regarding her parenting, friendships etc and is quite toxic but she has mn issues so we keep an eye on her as she is quite isolated in her life.

I don't drink too much but do drink when I'm out and on occasions like Christmas and birthdays.

Otherwise I work 9-5 so I go to bed early every night and am alcohol free except for 2-3 nights per month.

Her form would now suggest that she's found her drink buddy which I'm not and never would be.

She is quite toxic as I said and says some terrible things about people she's meant to be close to, including me. Mostly
Untrue or exaggerated.

So how do I shut this down or do I just ignore comments, questions and basically nosiness about my social life.
I am low contact with her generally, by choice for good reasons.
Safe to say I won't be engaging with her through celebrations anymore.

OP posts:
JoyPeaceHealth · 14/01/2023 12:27

I wouldn't get in to telling her how little you drink, keep saying ''you have the wrong impression there!'' but be quite dismissive without being snappy ''ah well, what you think of me is none of my business! My healthy liver will be fine!''

JoyPeaceHealth · 14/01/2023 12:27

It would make me want to see less of her though.

Watchkeys · 14/01/2023 12:33

Why aren't you ending the friendship altogether?

AgentJohnson · 14/01/2023 12:40

And you’re friends because…….

Acheyknees · 14/01/2023 12:44

'No need to feel concerned friend, I'm doing dry January and have never felt better, you should try it!'

MaverickGooseGoose · 14/01/2023 12:47

Why are you friends?

Original poster
randommessage · 14/01/2023 12:50

We go back 40 years. I feel a sort of responsibility towards her.

OP posts:
Polarbearyfairy · 14/01/2023 12:52

I had a friend like this, I cut ties with her about 5 years ago and it was very freeing. You do not have any sort of responsibility towards her. You can't underestimate how damaging the mindset of an alcoholic can be, especially when they are hell bent on dragging you in like she is doing.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 14/01/2023 12:55

Ah yes the responsibility of her... i know that one. I recently got rid of my alcoholic friend who claims to have mental health issues but it is not anxiety she has it is a constant hangover. If she is nasty with drink on her too then I fail to see why you are friends with her at all. It is never going to get better. Trust me.

Remona · 14/01/2023 12:58

She has decided now that I drink too much and is 'concerned'.

In your header you stated that your friend is an alcoholic.

If she is an alcoholic and open about it, was having Christmas drinks with her a good idea?

If she is an alcoholic but is in denial, which I expect is the case given you mention projection, why on earth didn’t you take the opportunity to call her out on it? Pot, kettle, black etc.

No alcoholic would have said that to me and got away with it.

Suzi89 · 14/01/2023 13:00

I’d cut ✂️ her out OP. Life’s too short for that negativity in your life.

Original poster
randommessage · 14/01/2023 13:07

She didn't say it to me. She said it to a mutual friend who told her that she was talking shit and that she was in dangerous territory making those remarks.

She is accepting of her alcoholism and is back drinking but not as much as she did when she nearly lost everything. I expect her addiction is taking control of her again.

I won't be putting myself a situation where I will be having drinks in her company again.

OP posts:
Original poster
randommessage · 14/01/2023 13:09

She feels that she can control
It but historically she gets more and more nasty as her alcoholism takes hold.
The projection is also normal for her. She likes to say that some friends and family drink as much as her.

OP posts:
SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 13:11

Projection is par for the course for addicts- you spot it, you got it.

I think you need to decide whether you want her in your life at all. You won’t change her behaviour.

ColdHandsHotHead · 14/01/2023 13:42

She's not your responsibility. I would drop her.

Dery · 14/01/2023 13:51

She is projecting and toxic but I agree with PP who said you shouldn’t drink with her. Alcoholics cannot drink reasonable amounts and it will be easier for her alcoholism to take hold again if friends normalise it by drinking with her. It would be more helpful to her to find something else to do together.

I say this having, as a younger person, done the same as you with an alcoholic work friend. I had no experience of alcoholism at the time nor the imagination to work out that going drinking with her was unhelpful. Another more experienced friend intervened and redirected our outings so alcohol wasn’t involved.

Watchkeys · 14/01/2023 15:05

randommessage · 14/01/2023 12:50

We go back 40 years. I feel a sort of responsibility towards her.

And that's where your problem lies. Not with her attitude, but with yours.

hennylovespens · 14/01/2023 15:14

Downgrade yourself to superficial friend. Archive WhatsApp. Check in occasionally. Still send Christmas cards if that's a thing you do. Only meet in groups or with a mutual friend for sober activities, but only once or twice a year.

IME it's the ones who are the most supportive and caring that get the vitriol. Don't get involved. Dial it right down. Yet don't entirely abandon her either. (Unless she crosses a line.) At least whilst she's drinking again.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/01/2023 15:16

She has a deadly disease and is in complete denial. She drank with you over Xmas and has extrapolated that as "randommessage drinks like that with me, I bet she was reining it in a bit (like I do so people don't realise my intake) so in reality she drinks as much as me and must have a problem. Plus, if I point a judgy finger at her, others will think I'm drinking less ! Bonus!"

I'm an alcoholic, thankfully in recovery. In my last miserable years of drinking I told myself all sorts of crap about how my drinking was within "normal" limits. "Hey, I work hard, I play hard!" I said. Forgetting that it wasn't fun or play in any sense. Until your friend can face up to the reality of her disease, she cannot be a good friend to you.

I'd suggest you distance yourself from her - no need to cut her out. If she finds her way to sobriety then great. But don't ever drink with her or around her again.

MrsMitford3 · 14/01/2023 15:30

this thread is so interesting @randommessage .

I could have written it. I have an alcoholic friend who projects as well-initially I found it unnerving but now I can see it for what it is. Our DD's are friends and she even makes proclamations about parenting decisions amongst other things-she had a hideous divorce and her DD is in therapy-she thinks my DD probably should be too-because she was nervous about exams (appropriately nervous-not worryingly nervous) but she wanted to normalise therapy for her DD.

Our friendship is around 20 years and I am one of the only ones who has stuck it out but it is not easy. Her drinking spiralled horribly and she did get nasty and fell out with a long list of friends. She is duplicitous about the drinking and it is hard to watch. She thinks no one sees. She has been to rehab a couple of times but it never works. It is very sad to watch.

I also feel a sense of responsibility but she is exhausting... I am trying to be low contact but even that has it challenges as she berates me for leaving her out. I def wouldn't go anywhere that involved alcohol with her.

I obviously don't know the answers either but I do understand

findmybalance · 14/01/2023 17:18

I dont think this is personal. Is it likely that the friend said something about her drinking and she said well x is drinking as well and..?

Addicts aren't always logical.

Original poster
randommessage · 14/01/2023 17:38

It is absolutely personal.
She once got drunk when pregnant and became nasty to friends.

I challenged her and was met with a tirade of abuse about when I was pregnant and had a red wine at a family occasion ten years previous and how everyone was talking about me!
She needs a piss pal and I'm it in her world.
She is defamatory and slanderous.
I feel guilt and anger towards her equally.

OP posts:
findmybalance · 14/01/2023 18:04

randommessage · 14/01/2023 17:38

It is absolutely personal.
She once got drunk when pregnant and became nasty to friends.

I challenged her and was met with a tirade of abuse about when I was pregnant and had a red wine at a family occasion ten years previous and how everyone was talking about me!
She needs a piss pal and I'm it in her world.
She is defamatory and slanderous.
I feel guilt and anger towards her equally.

Then it's time to cut contact, OP. you have done all you can.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/01/2023 18:10

It's what alcoholics do - attempt to deflect away from their unacceptable behaviour by creating somebody else to attack. It's no different from the DARVO of any abuser - and an alcoholic is an abuser. It's how they get their supply and protect themselves from anything they see as a potential threat to their wants.

She is not your responsibility, no matter how much she wants to make you feel that way and the best thing for you to do for yourself is, as with any other abusive and coercive relationship, to exit swiftly by the nearest escape.

bowlingalleyblues · 14/01/2023 18:16

It’s ok not to spend time with someone who is unkind to you and makes you feel hurt and angry. You don’t need to feel guilty, about steering clear now just because you happened to fall in together years ago.