Bit of background to start. Been with dp for 14 years and we have a good relationship and get on well. Ds16 (from a previous relationship/has no contact with biological dad) and ds9 with dp.
dp and ds16 have never had the relationship I hoped, nothing technically wrong between them and they get along but even though he has raised him since a young age I wouldn’t say they were really close but do get along.
Around 4 years ago I did have to speak with dp and say that I thought he needed to put more effort in as they didn’t do anything together alone and I thought it needed much more effort on his part. He did step up more and make this effort to spend more 1 on 1 time and I felt more relaxed.
Afew weeks ago both ds’s were arguing and eldest flicked ds9 on the face. We were speaking about this as I was explaining to ds that although they were brothers and I didn’t expect them to get along all the time because of the age difference ds16 had to realise he was the same frame as a grown man and no violence would be tolerated l. I said if it was to ever happen again I would come down very hard on him as it just wasn’t acceptable. Ds16 disagreed and felt it was justified which led us to have a discussion about it. No argument or anything just say talking and dp came in with a raised voice and said, if you ever touch ds9 again you will be out of this house then walked off. I finished talking to ds and made sure he understood his actions were not ok then went to speak to dp and say that he didn’t help at all, obviously his reaction was over the top and not a way we resolve things. That was the end of that and everything moved on.
last night me, dp and ds16 were having a heated discussion, not an argument, about potentially controversial topics as ds said him and friends were talking about transgender people on the tram and someone had asked them to stop as didn’t want to hear it. I was trying to explain how some topics and opinions should not be aired in public, especially when you are for example on a bus when you don’t know the people around. Ds and dp got more heated and basically ended by standing opposite each other at the table squaring up to one another and I had to tell them both to stop, relax and let us continue talking like adults. Again afterwards when alone I told dp his behaviour was completely out of line and a dealbreaker for me that he would think it ok to square up to ds16, his response was that I always defend ds and take his side. That I will always pull dp up on his behaviour towards ds but not the other way round. My only response to this was, that he is the adult, supposedly his father figure yet he thinks it is ok to do that. I am honestly at a loss.
my mind now is set that this event has ended the relationship, my reason being that if they were to argue I can’t trust dp to act like a parent towards ds16 but more like a stranger or friend who will happily argue back if that makes sense. He doesn’t seem to have acted like a parent, more like an affronted man who wanted to show he was the dominant one.
I worry what would happen for example if they argued whilst I was at work.
Do people agree with me that this ends the relationship as I don’t trust his behaviour if some to img like this was to happen again? We are talking of one or two instances in many years but I now think, chances are this will happen again, families argue from time to time, especially with hormonal teenagers and I shouldn’t have to worry about dp’s reaction towards ds.
im sorry that is so long but don’t want to drip so wanted to try and set everything out in the one post and would love opinions please