Narcissist ex. Domestic abuse service won't help

[Sally289]

My ex has been psychologically torturing me for 3 years since we split up. He has repeatedly reported me to social services, police etc. and accused me of abusing our children. He tried to get full custody but failed. He has caused me to go into debt (I can't go into detail as it's identifying). He has filmed me and filmed my family. However the local domestic abuse service have been terrible and refuse to help me. Is there anywhere else I can get support? They say because I am not in immediate danger they won't help me but the psychological toll his behaviour has taken on me has made me almost suicidal. I think that it may be that he has contacted the domestic abuse service and said that he is a victim (he isn't, I have never behaved abusively towards him) so they have already supported him and now see it as a tit-for-tat situation. The domestic abuse service doesn't have separate services for men and women it is mixed sex. Women's Aid chat and national domestic abuse helpline were very sympathetic but said that they can't do ongoing support and that I need to get help from the local service. I feel like I am going totally mad. He has totally broken me. He is very clever and manipulative and initially comes across as very plausible (e.g. he told me his ex wife was abusive, and the partner he had before that... He has been bullied out of at least 3 jobs and always ends up walking away with a settlement.) Is there anywhere I can get support for someone like this? I know the word narcissist gets thrown around all the time nowadays but I am sure that he has a personality disorder.

They say because I am not in immediate danger they won't help me
They always say this until God forbids something bad happens. When will they ever learn?

I've not got much advice OP, hoping others will come along shortly to help. Sorry you're going though this x

Do you have any children under 11?

I'm asking because if you do, you can self refer to your local Homestart who offer weekly support from a personal support worker. They also have a DV team.

@MissMaple82 thank you, yes I do. I filled in the form for my local home-start this afternoon. They only accept people with kids under 5 but my youngest DC is 4. I thought they were more for mums with PND or who were generally struggling / overwhelmed, but hopefully they will be able to help! Thank you x

Thank you @Pearlygates - I honestly think that if I worked for the domestic abuse service and heard about all the stuff my ex has done, I would think he is a massive risk because he is so clearly unwell. My local service are so useless, I can't express my disappointment. X

Sorry to hear your situation @Sally289 it all sounds very familiar to my own - with the unfortunate comparison that my ex did indeed end up with 50% custody which is devastating.

I came across this podcast and book and it is unbelievably helpful for me

open.spotify.com/show/3s6D1NBgOKYHFBZhe27Ye4?si=JnhAwn0tRPW5dTbGzXhrBA

amzn.eu/d/ilrmYiq

I know what you mean about feeling broken- what kind of help do you want to receive?

Oh really, I thought it was 11, sorry. But if your child is 4 you'll absolutely qualify. I hope you get some support soon. Maybe speak to your GP too. They may know of other services local to you. Good luck

I really am so sorry it ended up 50/50, @talkingfarm, how devastating 😪💔
Every little thing I have to liaise with my ex about is like wading through treacle.

I have never heard of this book or podcast but liked it immediately after reading the title 😄

Not sure what kind of help would stop me feeling broken in all honesty. I just don't feel like "me" anymore at all. I am just so fucking exhausted!! I think what would be most useful would be a support group for ex-wives of men with PD because as lovely as my friends and family are, they are all happily single or happily married. Nobody has an ex like mine (luckily).

I have one of these.

The way I cope is to laugh at him. Laugh at how sad and pathetic he is to expend so much energy on upsetting people, how small and lonely his shitty little life must be. How weak he is to only take out his frustrations on women and children. It’s embarrassing. Be embarrassed for him. He must have nothing else in his miserable world, it’s tragic. They’ve never moved on from the baby spitting dummies and throwing toys stage. They’re jokes. Can you imagine being so pitiful? Remind yourself of all this after every communication.

Oh and DV services and police were useless in my case as well because he doesn’t threaten violence anymore, only things he can get away with like court and stalking.

O God I remember feeling just so exhausted and confused. I know my ex husband was harassing and abusing me, but like you none of the services would help me. I was often told it was a child contact dispute!
Fast forward to now, the children don't see him as there's a no contact order in place. His abuse involved them sadly.