Can I get his trust back?

[LUCIA22]

I posted earlier in the week about my husbands lack of trust of me & how he constantly thinks I am & have been fooling around behind his back. Just for the record I have never been unfaithful , been tempted to be unfaithful or been propositioned by anyone else.
We have talked about this extensively this week & many issues have come up.
Most if his evidence is down to a ‘feeling’ or what he perceives as my suspicious behaviour. We have had many ups & downs & he says he presumed I was looking elsewhere for the affection I wasn’t getting from him.
There is one occasion however, many years ago which I can’t explain. He says he found some underwear in my drawer which he had never seen & I had never worn It then disappeared. I have no recollection of where it came from & so he says it’s fair to say that I must have bought it or someone must have bought it for me. I honestly can’t remember. It is destroying our relationship because he can’t move on from it & continues to distrust me & I am devastated that he doesn’t believe me, and really why should he?!
we been together 20yrs & I love him dearly. I don’t know if my can’t cope for much longer under this constant scrutiny. He hasn’t been an easy person to live with, he has undiagnosed ADHT/Aspergers and poor mental health but if I raise this it’s like I am trying to deflect the issue.
Any advice would be gratefully accepted.

This is his paranoia he’s projecting onto you and I’m really sorry but you’re enabling him, you need to just shut him down about this as it’s also controlling of him and by the sounds of it ruining your life and relationship.

personally I’d give an ultimatum - pack this behaviour on and get help or I’m off as I’d rather be free than live a life like that.

You can’t fix him, he’s a jealous, insecure man, that’s his issue to solve, not yours to pander to. Tell him to get some therapy and stop grovelling to his terrible behaviour.

This is the only answer, I’m afraid. And sadly it’s unlikely he will ever change.

You can't make him trust you because the issue is NOT you or your behaviour. the issue is him. I'm willing to bet £100 right now that as a result of his worry and fear, your life is massively controlled and/or restricted. Here are some examples:

• few nights out without him because he's worried?
• When you do go out, he drives you and collects you? Insists on multiple calls to update? Requires proof that you are with girlfriends and not some man?
• Sulks if you choose to go somewhere, do something, say something he doesn't like?
• Wants to check your phone, email etc.
• Dislikes you having male colleagues and hates any work related socialising, especially if male colleagues are involved.
• Has issues with friends and family as they're a "bad influence" or tells you that they don't like him or make him uncomfortable. Or that they're not nice enough to you.
• Questions your outfit choices - why are you so dressed up? why are you wearing make up? Who are you trying to impress?
• Similarly anything else that might be related to appearance - exercise, food etc - why are you doing it?

Also, does he play the victim? "I know this is hard on you but I just love you so much and I'm so scared that you'll leave me because i'm not worthy..." so you feel the need to constantly reassure him and show him your love.

If this has been going on for 20 years, I'm amazed you've stuck it out.

Oh, and the underwear thing - complete bollocks. At best it was "true" in that perhaps it was a pair of panties you'd bought but didn't like or had forgotten about or only wore very occasionally because they weren't comfortable. More likely, he made the whole bloody thing up.

it would be useful to get a male perspective on this as he says that if he told this scenario to male friends they would all reach the same conclusion.

No - it wouldn't be useful to get a male perspective! He's deliberately avoiding the issue here.

Listen to PP. This is a man who has issues. The issues are nothing to do with you.

It’s a way to control you.

He has trusted his gut ?

Right, and women need to live their lives by what men dictate do they? 🙄

Its bollocks anyway, not all men are insecure, weak and jealous - women can tell you that.

It’s a shame you’re not able to see that you’re being controlled and manipulated by this man.
Hes using these accusations as a stick to beat you with.

Youre being emotionally abused.

Well, I can tell you that is categorically not true. Here's a real life scenario that is similar:

SIL went for a night to with a girlfriend. They started with dinner and drinks, were at some all night party then got a few hours sleep at the friend's house. This was a once off, post Covid blow out. On her return mid morning, she went to shower. (Now ex) BIL went through her bag and found a pair of panties. He accused her of taking the spare panties to hide that she was having sex.

SIL asked DH if he would think that if it was me. DH laughed hysterically and thought BIL was being batshit crazy.

But why don't you ask some people. If he is so convinced men would think this, tell him you'll go talk to some men together and discuss it. he will back down because he KNOWS it's ridiculous.

Slightly off topic but I wish people would stop with the “He has undiagnosed ADHD/ASD” like it’s a statement of fact. You may suspect it but he doesn’t have a diagnosis so you can’t say he has it.

Agree with this. Sorry op, but this won’t get better - it’s him, not you. For your own sake and MH he needs to seek help and change, or you need to walk away.

His behaviour is abusive. His reasons are an excuse to continue to subject you to this. There is nothing at all that you can say or do to make it stop.

Twenty minutes of this would be more than enough. Don't sign up for a lifetime.

Unfortunately he is trying to control you. Any right minded male will tell u this. Why he is doing it is anyone's guess. Maybe he has a mental issue. The underwear thing is really creepy though. That's pure gaslighting.

I am devastated that he doesn’t believe me, and really why should he?!

What do you mean, 'and really why should he?' because in a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to continually prove you are trustworthy and you're not playing around. You've been ground down by 20 years of gaslighting (that was the underwear issue and I'll bet it's not the first time) and abuse and you've been groomed to think that he has justification for the way he behaves and that you have to prove your innocence to him all the time.

This is nothing to do with trust this is about control. He's using trust issues as an excuse to control you.

What can you do to get his trust back?? Nothing, nothing you can do other than never being without him at your side and having no life sadly.

As a result of his behaviour, how small is your life? Do you find yourself not going places or saying things? Do you stick to activities with just him and the children? Do you censor your thoughts even? Do you have to be super friendly, smiley and loving at ALL times in case he gets upset? If you've had a bad day and just want to be left alone to have a bath, does he think that means you don't love him/are shagging other men.

This is abuse. It's control. It's gaslighting. Nothing will change.

For what it's worth, OP, my DH's perspective on this is that you are married to a dangerous lunatic and the sooner you get out, the better.

I had this kind of relationship with my first boyfriend, so I completely understand how their paranoia takes over.

Honestly, life outside that cage of torment is so much easier.

“Either you pack this behaviour in or you pack your bags. I’m not letting this constant unfounded suspicion and criticism of me continue. Its training my life. It’s your decision.”

Ruining. Not training. Though he is using this behaviour to keep you on eggshells and on a short leash.

@LUCIA22 Definitely a him problem. He is being very controlling. If I came back from a night away and had a spare pair of underwear my DH would assume it was in case I got my period or something. He wouldn't notice if i threw any out because he doesnt keep tabs. This man won't be happy unless you're tied to him 24/7 because he is being very controlling. It could be mental health related or he's using it as justification for being a bastard.

An alternative is my ex was normal until 2 years in when he started behaving similarly to this (rapidly became ex!). Turned out HE had cheated and found it so easy to do without arousing my suspicions that he assumed I must be doing the same. Don't say he wouldn't because you'd be surprised. My exs parents marriage broke down because his dad cheated (and he no longer had contact with his dad over it) and he was very christian in that he attended church every week and we didn't start sleeping together for months because he wasn't sure how it aligned with his religious views to have sex before marriage. Shagging my best friend behind my back was fine though! 🤔

Has it occurred to you that he may have cheated and a projecting? That would explain the unknown underwear.

My ex did this throughout our relationship. He constantly accused me of being unfaithful. It turns out he was cheating and constantly blamed me to keep the focus away from him.

I posted earlier in the week about (this)

Were the responses any different to this thread?

Can you afford individual counselling? You seem almost brainwashed by him; he's conditioned you to believe his behaviour is acceptable and somehow your responsibility to "fix".

Ok..

So, I think it's positive you've communicated and got to what he says is the root cause of this, though not convinced it is only this and his behaviour is odd to say the least.

However, he's being ridiculous on this scenario. We've had a random pair or women's knickers show up in our house a couple of years ago and still laugh about it now as noone has any idea where they came from, nothing to do with me, not my partners and not my oldest daughters but randomly we found them in the ottoman containing our bedsheets. You know what we did? Laughed about them and threw them away after checking with a couple of people who'd stayed over in the past. The reason? Because noone jumps to weird conclusions In our house and noone uses a single random clothing item to warrant mistrust in long standing relationships. For what it's worth, we still don't know where they came from!

If there's been other things that are more significant like having kissed someone on a drunken night out I'd cut him some slack but it doesn't sound like it and very much appears that he's a controlling arsehole who is just looking for a stick to beat you with.

Ask yourself this, if you found a pair of nice boxers you hadn't seen before in his drawers, would you then assume he'd been cheating on you for several years afterwards? That's literally what he's saying here.

He's insecure and controlling, he's basically told you this by the part around you looking for affection that he isn't giving you, he's just trying to project his insecurities on you rather than sorting his shit out and growing up.