Being a therapy friend

[babyinarms]

I only heard this phrase lately from my dd ( teenager ) and realised I am a therapy friend.
All my friends, throughout the years ,confided in me. Things they would tell no one else, they tell me. Work colleagues divulge a lot of sensitive information to me and even strangers at bus stops or on trains confide in me.
what is it about me?

Why do people tell me their secrets and always come to me for advice?
I have to say over the years I found it endearing but lately, I’m finding it exhausting.
I’m always the therapist but not many ask how I am. The past year, I haven’t been in a very good place. I have a lot of anxiety and my mood is low. I’ve briefly mentioned it to friends but they don’t take notice. They continue to talk about their own issues and tbh I’m getting tired and starting to withdraw from them.
Just a small example, a few months ago I had covid and was very unwell with it. A friend was going through a rough patch and a mutual friend contacted me about how we would support our friend. I told her I was sick with covid right now and feeling miserable but she totally dismissed what I said and just reiterated that our friend needed us. Didn’t even ask how I was!

All the support I’ve given over the years and they don’t seem to be there for me when I need them ? It hurts really but I’m too tired to do anything about it, so I just started keeping my distance.

This post sounds as if I’m wallowing and maybe I am? I just feel I need support too sometimes but don’t get it.

Anyone else feel like this and what helps? Don’t get me wrong, i
like helping people but it can be mentally draining, especially when my own head isn’t in the right place right now.

The people around you probably feel you are a safe person. Its tricky to set boundaries once someone starts confiding but can be done as it must be draining.
Is funny how your children educate you on something, mine do all the time, l rather enjoy it.

I've been through something similar with friends. I think it can be twofold:

Firstly, if you are the therapy friend you will make friends with people who need a therapy friend. You are meeting their needs but mostly it doesn't get reciprocated because their needs are selfish ie the friendship wasn't entered into on the basis you might need help too at some point.

Secondly, chances are that if you are always the therapy friend you look sorted, confident, people might not be able to imagine you will need help ever at all. People can find it hard to fathom that sometimes you aren't that sorted person. Your example of your friend dismissing that you were ill is a good example - she told you off for not being able to fulfil your designated role as therapy friend!

Over time it gets easier to identify when you are falling into these friendships. Working on boundaries helps - it is 100% ok to say "I can't support this person" early on, whether out loud or just to yourself. Create a bit of distance with people who dismiss you. You'll weed out the friends who don't want or aren't able to reciprocate. I have less friends than when I was therapy friend but those friendships are mutually supportive and I know I can call on them in the same way they know they can call on me.

Worth thinking about how you got into this pattern - for instance I was brought up being told my needs weren't important.

People do that to me too. As someone once said to me, "The world needs listeners too, as there are a lot of talkers." I'm a bit quiet, so maybe it's that listener quality?

I think you need to take responsibility for contributing largely to the dynamic yourself. You chose these friendships, you set up this one-way ‘therapy’ situation in multiple friendships, and you say you found it endearing for a long time — you chose people who made you feel needed, basically. Your friends aren’t solely to blame for not recognising you’re no longer happy with the established patterns of your friendships, when you’ve set them up as you being the eternal shoulder to cry on with no needs of her own other than being happy to be confided in.

Not putting the boot in, but I think if you stop seeing it as just your friends being selfish, it may help you start to ask for what you need, or make different, more mutually supportive friendships in future.

I’ve been a therapy friend in the past too - less so now as I’ve got better at not slipping so heavily into this role as a PP said. It’s worth being aware of how you got into that role too - it could have been your role in your family when growing up.

I heard something which shifted my perspective too - that all adult relationships are transactional. The key is whether you’re conscious of the transaction and entering into it willingly or not. And different people have different skills - you probably have the skills of listening well and being emotionally attentive to people, but not everyone will have these skills and will offer other things.

So you could think about what’s drawn you to these people? What need have they been meeting for you? It might not be that they can listen well and be emotionally attentive, but it may be that one is really good at helping you have fun and play, other is great at helping you with practical stuff like giving you advice on your car, maybe another is a fellow parent so you get to talk about parenting worries, another is good for company in a particular setting like work or you exercise together etc. And it might be they meet your emotional needs, eg to feel accomplished, to feel wanted, to need community etc. There are loads of different needs/skills in life.

If the relationships are truly one sided and you’re doing all the work and getting nothing out of the relationship, it’s okay to let them go. Or you might decide that actually what they do provide is valuable to you, and you perhaps just need to find additional people who can meet your needs to be listened to and looked after emotionally and then life will feel more balanced.

I write this as another "therapy friend" - I had never heard the term before, but it totally fits my own life, so I have every sympathy OP. I too am that person. The one everyone seems to come to for emotional support, practical help and a supply of some sort of extra strength in difficult times.

Your OP described my own life so closely, it has hit a nerve with me and given my cause to really think.

There is certainly nothing wrong at all with being a caring and decent human being, who cares about others and supports their friends in times of stress and need. But, I agree that this can come at the expense of one's own well being. When being strong and present for others becomes a wearisome task and impacts your own physical and mental health, as well as your time, energy and even your finances, it is time to re-evaluate what's happening and who you support.

So, nothing useful to add to the excellent responses already received from @Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink and others. But following with interest and thinking deeply (perhaps for the first time!) about my own life. For that - thank you for starting this thread. Best wishes .....

I agree with pp that ask you to reflect on what you’ve been getting out of it. Did it satisfy your need to be needed/useful? Usually we all play a part in the dynamics of the friendships we have. If you are a people pleaser or were raised with too much responsibility as a child it’s also easy to fall into those patterns.

Having been there myself what helps is having boundaries. I don’t really allow people to trauma dump onto me like before and I will steer the conversation gently away into something more neutral if it’s too much. If they are on the phone, I may limit the call
time and if it’s text I’ll space out my responses and again bring it back to something lighter. Most people take the hint but I’m always wary of them in case they fall back into their old way. I’ve noticed they contact me far less now as well.

For those who don’t get the hint easily, I’ll explicitly say something like “ I have so much on and feeling quite overwhelmed”. I’ll even open a chat like that to deter them from monopolising the conversation.

For someone like your friend who insisted you both support the other friend, I’d be really direct and say “I’m very sick and struggling myself. I’ve been there in the past for X and will be again, but it would be good if someone else could take the lead this time while I am still recovering”. I might even add it would be nice if I could get some support or consideration back too sometimes.

It may sound abrasive or blunt but think about it - these people are walking all over you and using you as an emotional support object rather than seeing you as an individual with needs. Sometimes we just have to be blunt.

I told a friend the other day she should really lean more on her live in partner/father of children for support. Don’t feel embarrassed to redirect friends to seek support from the others in their lives! I think it’s outrageous that someone would consistently come to me with their tales of woe and trauma instead of their own partner who they allegedly get on with. It’s like they don’t mine burdening me but they won’t bother their own partner. Definitely put a stop to that.

So yeah I think it’s all about boundaries really
and being open and direct. Keep talking until they listen and if they don’t at some point it’s best to let go of those friendships or go low contact.

I've been a therapy friend for a lot of people. I remember there was a girl I went to university with who used to come round and just talk non-stop about the relationship drama she was having, and that was the only topic ever discussed. She'd just talk non-stop for a couple of hours then leave. Similar thing with many other friendships, and lo and behold, when I needed support they simply weren't there for me. Reading this thread with interest, as I too am a people-pleaser, due to being raised in an abusive home and tiptoeing around my parents, trying to put them first. I lost a lot of these friends when I myself went through some trauma and was the one needing support: they simply didn't bother contacting me any more. It's heart-breaking to realise that these supposed friendships really meant nothing to them apart from what they could use me for. I'm not sure you will be able to salvage the friendships you already have, as I think people drift apart when a dynamic like that changes, and the foundation of the friendship is probably non-existent anyway - but you'll be the best judge of that. I would advise you to try to find new friends and keep developing the ability to assert your own boundaries. You'll question yourself at first as you will wonder if you're being mean, because you're used to putting your own needs last, but the more you do it the more naturally it will become, and you'll slowly develop a higher self-esteem.

@Grandmasword yes, i learn so many things from her and so many new phrases …. Kids today are so tuned in and have a self-awareness I only wish I had as a teenager.@lifeinthehills I am a good listener and I don’t tend to gossip or get involved in it. That maybe a factor alright.
@Polarbearyfairy, yes I do come across as ‘together’ but I’m really not. I’ve had years of suppressing how I feel about things and I know I’m a people pleaser and I seek assurance that I’m a good person etc. At 49 that’s a bit sad. Maybe this self reflection will help me understand myself more.
@PristineSnow, I think you’re right. I need to take a good look at myself! I do like to feel needed, I’ll admit it …. Only realising it fully now. Even my profession is a caring one. I do need to reflect and see why I need that? Maybe it stems from childhood.
@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink the particular friend group I’m talking about do bring lots of fun and are good organisers. Maybe I need to realise each one’s role and just go with it. Makes sense. Maybe it’s a more superficial friendship than I thought it was too and maybe that’s ok, once I accept it.
@StuckWhereIAm, it can be tiring can’t it. Also keeping secrets and because we have so much on our shoulders ( friends issues ) we don’t get time to deal with our own problems, which can’t be healthy.
@Reclaimtheoutdoors I definitely would not be good at setting boundaries. I feel uneasy with it, so definitely something I need to work on.
@brokendogbowl i was raised in an abusive household too, it def stays with you. I think because of that, I do suppress a lot and I do people please. I was always the peace keeper at home from a very early age and that could well have something to do with how I come across now and my need to help and be needed.

lots of food for thought here and I’m starting to think I may need therapy myself to figure a few things out. I’ve never had therapy but often thought of it. I suppose it’s never too late to seek help and self-help.
Thank you for the replies.