How honest should I be about partner’s abusive dad?

[MrsDuggee]

Hi all

Believe it or not this is as concise as I can be, there is a lot of other information but I don’t want to waffle too much. I appreciate any thoughts on the predicament.

My partner has an emotionally abusive dad - text book covert narcissist. Albeit irregular, any contact with him negatively affects my partner and leaves him off kilter for a long time after. After our son was born, I felt the situation was horrible and toxic and avoided contact with partner’s dad (due to them living two hours away, it has meant not seeing anyone from that side of the family) We weren’t close to start with. Nothing explicit has been said about my reasons for distancing, no one has asked and I haven’t wanted to create drama for the sake of it - didn’t want it to look like I was attention seeking or flouncing off.
Covid stopped most contact and travel for a long time anyway.

Now his father’s wife has been talking to my partner’s mum (30 years divorced, claims to hate my partner’s dad but happy to be his flying monkey). The ‘stepmum’ says she’s worried that she has upset me and done something wrong (I think he’s made her feel that way - especially as we have never been close, I’ve never really had a conversation with her so it doesn’t make sense that she’d feel like that without input from someone). I’m very tempted to just be blunt, send her a message, tell her that she has done nothing wrong, but her husband’s emotional abuse makes my family’s life miserable and I will protect my child from it at all costs.

Is this too honest?

It’s further complicated by my partner’s big birthday coming up. We arranged a really small lunch do for it but partner’s sister is pressing for all that side to go (more than tripling the size of the party and possibly requiring new venue) - complicated situation, she’s chief flying monkey and golden child, lives near to him, and is married to their stepmum’s son (their stepbrother). Constantly pressing for ‘everyone to get on’, dismissing the huge emotional cost to her brother. I believe she has already told them anyway and they’re waiting for me to invite them. Partner wants to cancel to avoid the stress but it doesn’t seem fair that he misses out on marking his birthday. Plus, he’d like to see other family members from that side but was planning to navigate that another time.

Has the time come for me to just be honest? It’s generally accepted that partner’s father was abusive during his childhood but it’s swept under the carpet to keep the peace (big eye roll) and I don’t think any one person truly knows the true extent of it. Meanwhile partner’s dad controls the narrative and alienated my partner from his grandparents in their last years by painting him as the villain and himself as the victim. I’ve never felt it’s been my place to say much but after 22 years together, I’ve seen it all and witnessed the behaviour. Plus now I’m
being painted as another villain, I think I do have a say. Should I put it out there and see how the cards land? Invite them all anyway and hope for the best?

Does your dh want you to do so? If so and you can take the fall out I would go for it. If dh doesn't want to deal with the fall out then no.

Have you ever told your DH how this (his mood being off kilter etc) affects you and your family and if so, what was his response?

I'd tell FILs wife the truth.

I suspect she knows very well the problem is not her it's him (and why); she was just trying to be diplomatic to his other wife.

@Enko He says he’ll support what I think is best. He doesn’t want to cause trouble and is scared of upsetting people but also would like to regain some control of the narrative which can’t happen without some truths airing. He values my sticking up for him because he didn’t have that as a child. His dad is very convincing, even I thought my partner could fix things until I saw it my own eyes. I do think fallout could be massive but may be for the best in the end.

Where are your own DCs in all of this?

Do they see their DGF?

@knobheadinlaws Yes, it’s been a huge thing for us and one of the things that I get angry about. I didn’t understand why other people’s feeling seemed to come before my emotional well being. I understand more now, his mum let him feel responsible for her and his sister after the dad left and took all the money from the house sale when he was very young - financially and emotionally - like a de facto husband. That’s a whole other thread. He was basically conditioned to feel responsible for their feelings and safety. He’s holding boundaries in that respect now and really working on it. I don’t stand for the behaviour but I try to understand the feeling.

If you feel up to dealing with the fall out then I would tell step mum the truth.

@TicketMasterMind Our little boy is 3 so he’s blissfully unaware of these things. DS and I have had not contact with partners father at all (aided by covid) I saw him at gatherings occasionally before we had our son, where I saw the way he treated my partner. Partner is determined to break the cycles and not have this affect our son or future children.

That’s great that your DS is not exposed to this environment directly - although your DH needs to be accountable to the fact that his collapsed mood / preoccupation around the visits will impact his DC. Your DH needs to work with a therapist even if he continues to see his DF or not for the obvious considerable damage to his MH. He doesn’t need to carry this open wound.

I think the SM is problematic to go via the DM ….. don’t let them (SM/DM) triangulate you with the DM - this is highly manipulative.

I would only respond to say if DF has anything to ask me speak to me directly. Do not pass messages back and forth.

Its unlikely he will contact you as these types are cowards.

If he does. I would say something like:

“We don’t share the same values so choose not to be in your company”

I would not expand further or be drawn into anything else.

@TicketMasterMind Thank you so much. I have realised a few things since reading your reply. He is an absolute coward, you’re correct. I have unwittingly been drawn in where I’ve succeeded in remaining detached before. He would love it if he knew he was causing me so much worry and turmoil. I’ve seen his face light up while hurting my partner, so he just thrives on any hurt he can cause. I need to take a step back. Maybe partner is right and we should postpone his birthday lunch and rethink when we’ve both had some therapy. He is about to start his therapy, I didn’t think it was a priority for me but with all these feelings stirred up, it would probably be wise for me to get some asap as well. Thanks so much for all the responses.

Just know what he’s after - a reaction, to manipulate, to cause conflict, to hurt, to destabilise etc …… and don’t give him any of it.

The silence and non response will kill him.

He gets off on seeing your DH squirm even if your DH doesn’t say anything and rises above it - FIL can see and sense it in his micro expressions.

His continued contact is compromising his own ability to be a good father. Your own DC will sense his lack of confidence or distress as much as you do - but at least you know what it’s about - our kids are just afraid, confused and saddened when we are distracted and down - they just become anxious.

I am glad that your DH is accessing therapy. The end point will likely be making conscious and then accepting the “relentless hope” that we have throughout life for our DPs to be better / different. Each time he try’s and there is no difference and he is hurt - he is that little boy seeking approval and love.

Therapy will help him realise that this is never going to happen and to then grieve the Dad he should have had because this “relentless hope” is ultimately exhausting and depleting his emotional energy and eroding his sense of self.

Honestly anything you say or do is feeding the situation. Just deflect. Always leave a day between answering messages. Avoid answering the phone.

Don't give them the power, any of them.

The thing with being blunt, telling home truths, putting it out there etc is that as right as you might be... actually doing that drags you back into a dynamic you want to get out of. It further enmeshes you when what you both need is to free yourself from it.

You don't owe any of them an explanation. Any explanation you give will just open you up to them picking holes in it, gaslighting you, relitigating the details over and over again for years to come. You don't need any of that.

If any family members can be a genuine support network for you and your partner, open up to them. If they're just flying monkeys, distance yourself and build a support network elsewhere. People with toxic families often find real value in "chosen families" of friends, or their partner's non-toxic family.

Don't message the stepmum, just leave her hanging.

Have the lovely small birthday celebration you'd planned. Don't feel the need to justify it to the sister. Shrug and fob her off with whatever bland excuse is best - couldn't cancel the venue, sorry, change subject!

I agree with this cut off all the flying monkeys power and oxygen, scupper his little drama triangles with his sister, the SM his DM …..don’t get drawn in - ignore them or dismiss them with simple slap down responses that are repeated only once.

Forget words with these types who are spun into his drama web - just actions, carry on with your plans - eyes straight ahead - he and his opinions don’t figure and are of no concern of yours . Know and use your own agency.