What do you understand the term gaslighting to mean?

[Ginkrap]

Please tell me what you would consider to be gaslighting?
Also, is gaslighting deliberate, conscious & malicious behaviour? What motives would you ascribe to a gaslighter?

My understanding is that gaslighting is repeatedly telling you that things are not as you perceive them, the aim being to destabilise you and make you question yourself.
I've no idea about the mindset of the gaslighter - a desire to hurt, diminish, confuse. They'll never admit to it though, so it can't be worked with.
Are you OK?

You're probably better off googling if you're looking for the effect in particular situations.

In general it is trying to get you to question your thoughts /memories/beliefs by changing events or telling you something different to what happened.

I dont think it's always purposeful or malicious. Everyone's reality is different and everyone has a different take on situations.

I do think it's quite common at a low level eg your friend saying she paid for coffee last time when you're sure she didn't and this happens frequently, DH saying it's your turn to clean the loo, your mum saying you loved brownies when you hated it but she wanted the free time, etc.

Then there's another level usually from someone trying to gain the upper hand in a personal or professional relationship.

And then there's next level controlling shit which is usually a progression from the above and is down right abusive.

I think @IveForgottenAgainFFS has given a good explanation.

Basically, it's any behaviour that is directed at causing you to question your understanding of reality, sanity, reasonableness or decency as a person.

It can be overt/direct "That never happened" "You're imagining things" "You're crazy" "You're just saying that to hurt me" "She's just a friend" (when they are having an affair) or more subtle -- "I don't recall saying that" "Are you sure you left that money there? You can be quite forgetful" "I'm worried about how paranoid you're becoming" "I'm not ignoring you, I'm just tired".

Like with much emotional/psychological abuse, it can be challenging to discern because there is often an element of uncertainty or plausible deniability as to whether the other person is deliberately gaslighting or is simply honestly expressing a different perspective. eg claiming they don't remember saying or doing something you are sure they did do or say.

The clue to whether it's gaslighting or not is generally in how defensive they are about the difference in your perspectives. If they have a different perspective but seem genuinely concerned about your perspective and trying to find a way to reconcile the different perspectives or address the underlying issue around the difference in perspectives, then they are likely sincere in their perspective and not gaslighting. But if they are insisting on their version of events in an angry and defensive way, there's a good chance they are looking to control the narrative.

Great explanations, thank you.

@Walkacrossthesand I’m OK, thank you.

@IveForgottenAgainFFS & @CheekyHobson I think the controlling behaviour you both mention is what I’ve always understood gaslighting to be.

Full disclosure - my partner has recently discovered the term gaslighting and accused me of gaslighting him. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. If I attempt to express a difference of opinion, however minor or banal, he accuses me me of twisting things to undermine or manipulate him. We can be having what I think is a low key everyday conversation and suddenly I am being accused of gaslighting him and the conversation is shut down. I’m totally at a loss as to how to deal with this. Any attempt to explain or defend myself is just more evidence of my gaslighting as far as he is concerned.

I am certainly not perfect but I really don’t think I’m controlling either.

I think people often get lying and gas lighting mixed up:

'I do think it's quite common at a low level eg your friend saying she paid for coffee last time when you're sure she didn't and this happens frequently, DH saying it's your turn to clean the loo, your mum saying you loved brownies when you hated it but she wanted the free time, etc.' To me these are just lying with a bit of manipulation thrown in (trying to get things their own way).

Gas lighting is more malicious. They want you to question yourself, they enjoy having that power over you, they want you to feel unsure and wonder if there's something wrong with you. They want to make you insecure and dependent on them. They also know full well what the truth of the matter is, they're not unsure, they know full well what they said or what really happened, and chances are they probably lie like a psychopath too. To me gas lighting is the next step on from lying. It's not something that only silly girls fall for though, it can be very subtle over a very long time. I should know I married someone who ticks every box for covert narcissism and only found out after 25 years.

What your partner is doing sounds like DARVO.
Dunno what he’s up to, but turning an everyday conversation into “you’re gaslighting” just because you have a different opinion does NOT sound good at all.

good thing you have your antennae up, as he’s reversing things around, and he’s the one doing the gaslighting here!

@Ginkrap

if you wanted to post the full details of an exchange it might make it clearer what the reality is.

But as a general rule, your feelings are a guide as to what is right for you. If your partner is accusing you of undermining or manipulating him and your gut feeling is shock and confusion, something is certainly off in your relationship.

It sounds like your partner is not willing to engage authentically and equally, that your conversations with him feel like a power struggle. That can be a sign of abuse, or it can be a sign of toxicity. For me, the difference between the two is intent. If your partner is deliberately accusing you of things that don’t have a solid basis in reality, that’s abuse. If he is accusing you of things that don’t have a solid basis in reality out of his own paranoia, insecurity or poor thinking, that’s toxicity.

It can be very hard to tell the difference, but the larger point is that neither abuse or toxicity is healthy or sustainable in a relationship. If the relationship isn’t working for you and the way your partner is behaving s making you feel uncertain and anxious, then it’s time to get out. From another angle, it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks poorly enough of you to accuse you of abuse.

Cavest: if several previous partners have accused you of being manipulative and undermining them, or have broken up with you because they don’t like the way you behave, its probably time to see a therapist about what you might be doing wrong in relationships.