Partner unsure on kids?

[Sunny2341]

Basically I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now, I’ve always been transparent about wanting kids when I’m about 30 (currently I’m 27 and he is 30) we have had conversations about buying a bigger house for kids, spoke about babies names, he’s said how he would like to parents our future children so it came as a huge shock to me when he told me the other day he’s isn’t sure if he wants kids…. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. We have an amazing relationship, we work so well together and I feel this has just completely ruined everything.
after diving in deeper he said he isn’t a 100% no but he isn’t 100% yes either and he thought that by his age he would have had the desire to have have kids as we are very settled in our own home and we have a good income to be able to support a child if we decided to have one but he said he just hasn’t got that feeling yet. He also said he just doesn’t know if it’s fair to bring a child in to a world that we live in basically he’s scared what their future could have in store for them (a valid worry which I appreciate)

I’m so torn on what to do I can’t imagine being without him and our relationship is more than I could have ever wanted and I’m scared. I’m scared that If I choose to stay with him and then he decides no to kids in the future then my time scale is a lot shorter to have kids or I just won’t have them. I’m scared we break up and he finds a new partner and decides to have a family with her… so many thoughts are going through my head.
i love him so deeply and he loves me deeply too but I just don’t know what to do.

do I wait as he is undecided? But ultimately I don’t want him to say yes to having a child to please me as that’s not fair on child or him unless it’s something he truly wants.
i just feel my life Envisioned has been trashed and I’m so upset…

it’s hard because I feel him, having children is a massive commitment and it’s scary… your life changes forever and I’m not naive to that, however I can see a lot of positives about having a child, and the nice things that do come along with the hard times. it’s like I’m also trying to convince myself that maybe I shouldn’t have kids, just so I can keep him, but I don’t want to resent him for that in the future. I don’t want to put thoughts in his head however I can’t help but feel he’s scared of getting older and the commitment that comes with that (not just kid related) He’s had some difficult times as an adult before our relationship and I feel that that might play part but also that’s for him to work out not me?

sorry for the long post , I don’t have a mum to talk to about these things with so any support is appreciated.

Its fine for him to change his mind or have doubts, but you don’t have the luxury of many years to consider it like he has.
Id give him a set time to decide within, and during this time start saving for if you have to go it alone.

My feeling would be that he knows he doesn't want them and is just trying to break you into the idea gently.

Has there been talk of marriage?
Not that you have to get married but I would expect a man who respected me and saw me as long term to at least bring that up for discussion by 4 years in. So if its not been mentioned, that may be more of an indicator that he sees you as a temporary partner.

Whether you want or don't want kids, do/don't do it for you, not fir anyone else.

Personally if I loved someone I'd choose them over a currently non existent and unnecessary being. But then, I have no interest in kids so that's easy for me to say.

At best, he is unsure. And 'unsure' doesn't suit parenthood. I wouldn't wait and I certainly wouldn't give ultimatums.

We have spoke about marriage, it’s something we both want. However it’s not in my line on thought until this issue is resolved. He has said to me a few times he’s Pictures his whole life with me. I get what you are saying, he really isn’t the type of guy to hide what he is feeling if he 100% didn’t want them he would say. We are both very much you need to be 100% honest no matter how much it’s hurts the other person when it comes to stuff like this.
he would never risk having a kid while being unsure as we both know how unfair that is.
we have had progression in our relationship which shows he sees me a more then a “temporary partner” we recently bought a house a year ago, we adopted a dog together, he has planned trips for us to take like 2 years in advanced so I feel he does see more to it if that makes sense

Buying a house together is not necessarily a commitment, it can be just using someone else to help get on the housing ladder. Nor is a dog.

I think you need to set a date in your head by which you need to know, one way or the other. And keep to it. In the meantime, I'd be saving to ensure you can provide a home for yourself if you decide to leave.

Basically if you decide to not become a mother due to your partner not wanting one. Than you'll most likely grow a resentment towards that person in the future.

My ex was like this. We did have a child. But his concerns were:

Could he cope with a child
Would the child turn out to be not a nice child
This might disrupt his life.
He didn't have confidence to know what to do

In fairness, he had a real lack of confidence about handling children because he wasn't maternal and was scared he wouldn't manage. We did split up and he's become a wonderful Dad. But initially, I did everything.

This is such a difficult situation. There is no easy answer. You could try a deadline and see if that helps. Being unsure about having kids is very normal.

I was in the same situation. Left him at 35 and got unbelievably lucky that I met someone just having turned 37. Giving birth to our first child this year at 39.

I think you still have plenty of time, but I wouldn’t hang around for him to change his mind. I would look at it as that he does not want kids and either decide whether I can make peace with this or start fresh.

My new start was incredibly hard but I don’t regret it. I love my partner very much and my life has changed for the better.

Why do you want a child? Is it fear of missing out, is it something you’ve always wanted, or is it because of societal/family pressure/expectations (such as all your friends having kids, your family members expect you to have them, etc.).

If you’ve always wanted one, and feel devastated at the thought of remaining child free, you should probably find a partner who feels the same. Sometimes an unwilling parent comes around, but other times they very much resent parenthood which makes for a bad situation for everyone.

You need to turn this around on him.

Tell him very clearly that you want to have children starting at around age 30. He needs to decide whether he’s on board with that or not, and he needs to decide soon.

Don’t let him waste your fertile years with maybes.

Don’t let him waste your fertile years with maybes
This would have been a deal-breaker for me.
Don't fall for future faking.
Even if he comes round, if he's half hearted about it, I would pause and consider your options.
Give it 6 months and see if anything changes.

OP, a lot of what you said sounded like me 15 years ago (mid-20s, in relationship of a few years, financially stable, marriage on the cards - but he was unsure about kids, was worried that I would love them more and wanted to wait a few more years before trying). Like you, I always made it clear I wanted to have kids before 30. Like you, I also couldn’t imagine being with anybody else and besides, we’d been together for so long! Well, we did have two DC before 31, but ended up divorced 5 years later because he had cheated on me. The reasons he gave for cheating? He felt pressured into having kids, he wasn’t ready, etc.

I’m not saying that the cheating is a foregone conclusion but if your DP isn’t as enthusiastic about having kids as you are, he’s going to be resentful of how much of your attention will now be diverted to them and how much your lives/lifestyle will change, and he might not be very hands-on (although mine was). And if you subsequently split up, you will have a far more difficult time disentangling everything (joint finances, custody, ongoing co-parenting) than you do right now (house, dog, planned holidays).

You say your relationship is more than you ever wanted and the life you envisioned has been trashed. But you are still very young (I’m not sure if this is your first long-term relationship?) and time is still on your side to find a partner who does want kids. With hindsight, I wish I hadn’t been so fixated on the length of the relationship (sunken cost) and hadn’t bulldozed ahead to execute my “vision” of having kids with him before 30. Yes, your DP might eventually find a new partner and have a family with her (as mine did) and whilst that can be very hard to accept, it is not something you can control - you should focus on you, and what you want from a relationship.

I left my ex because I wanted kids and he didn't. I loved him totally, but I knew that eventually I would resent him, when all my friends started having kids, and I was being deprived of something I'd always wanted. I knew that resentment would ultimately turn to hatred, and then we'd split up anyway.

No regrets.
I have teens now and I can't imagine having got to my 50s without kids. For me life would have felt pointless.
That said, we were a few years older than you. You are both still young, and it's possible he may change his mind.

As others have said, I'd set a time limit, and make it clear to him that your future contains children, and you will be leaving him if he doesn't change his mind. It's only fair to be transparent I think.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume he isn’t committed to you. Lack of desire for children doesn’t mean that someone isn’t ‘all in’ when it comes to their partner.

You have to decide now whether it’s a dealbreaker for you.

It sounds like he has probably had some reservations earlier than now, but has stuffed them down hoping that as time went on he'd suddenly feel the instinct to be a parent.

If children is a deal breaker for you OP, you're well within your rights so say he has X months thinking time and then you'll both need to discuss whether the relationship is viable long term. Just because he's a lovely man, doesn't mean you're necessarily compatible with your life goals.