she's a child- she's latched onto various unsuitable partners throughout my adult life and she's badgered kind, older people (even one who was dying) and got by by having meltdowns and eliciting (guilt-ridden) help.
She isn’t a child. She is just behaving like one as a full sized adult to exploit others. Know that.
she's not malicious per se, just utterly helpless and will throw herself at people with no shame!! of course it's incredibly manipulative though not actually a conscious plan if you see what i mean. she has no concept of how she impacts others
Yes she is. Yes she does. It’s finely tuned around boundaries. She knows specifically how hard to push and which buttons to press to get the attention she craves.
she's tried numerous times to get admitted to psych ward- succeeded once- she's also feigned a suicide attempt- had to admit to docs that she hadnt really taken lots of tablets! used to say she'd commit suicide if not for me and my brother- we were in our 20s- it's all so draining and manipulative (albiet unwittingly)
It’s not unwittingly. The NHS have the measure of her at least. Her behaviour is cruel and emotionally violent to you all.
she wants people to look after her- she has never been able to function properly in the world
She seems to have been successful in this goal. Of course she can function in the world unless she has a physical or learning difficulty? Sounds to me that her mental capacity is razor sharp.
sometimes absolutely vile- she's screamed at me, yelled while my kids were there-
Never let this happen again to your DC. They should not be exposed to emotional violence which is DV and classed as emotional abuse by NSPCC. This will have a profound impact on them - so see their own mother being abused.
obviously i did not enjoy seeing her as it made me incredibly depressed.
Don’t do this to your MH. We all have finite energy and emotional resources which deplete as we age. Conserve yours for your teenagers. Do not squander it on her - even being preoccupied with her is her taking space in your life.
she recovers spontaneously from these episodes while the recipient is a mess!!
Yes you are her emotional toilet bowl into which she shits out her anger and then pops off very relieved having discharged on to you. It’s actually enabling to facilitate her nonsense.
about 5 years ago she came up to "help" as i was very down- i tend not to show things too much
Your recurrent MH issues are solely due to her deficient parenting as a child and the ongoing toll she takes on you.
but i dont really have a good reason to end it this time!
Yes you do. You’ve done too much for too long. You need to focus on your own MH so that you can be the best parent to your own teenagers.
i know i cannot change her and i know she has no comprehension of the effects of her behaviour
Yes and No.
she's very dismissive of having any impact which can be crushing.
the other side of the coin is that she knows she has to behave better in order to have a relationship, so she does try- but, of course every so often she can't sustain it.
You need to get yourself out of her emotional energy orbit where she pushes and pulls and runs you ragged to achieve zero.
Emotionally detach. Get some therapy for the guilt you feel and the recurrent MH issues she has caused you.
You deserve to recover from this.