Removing ex-BIL from social media

[TiredButDancing]

This shouldn't be a big deal. It's my social media, I can do what I like but...

I loathe ex-BIL with every fiber of my being. For lots of reasons, many directly related to how he treated SIL as well as how he behaves/behaved around the rest of us etc. During their break up, he said and did a lot of things that were absolutely unacceptable. One of those things, which is actually probably less serious in the bigger scheme of things, is that he sent DH a series of messages in which he accused DH and I of being abusive, toxic and manipulative. He also said and implied all kinds of other things and admitted some of his abusive behaviour to SIL but attempted to justify it with comments like, "it's the only way to get her to shut up" or "she needed to be taught a lesson." Needless to say, he has never apologised or acknowledged how deeply inappropriate any of this was.

While he has finally moved out of their (rental) house, he is present at SIL's a lot for lots of reasons I won't go into here. So we do see him. Also over Christmas, SIL asked for him to be included in certain family events for the sake of the DC. Obviously, we attempt to be civil and polite.

BUT, I can't stand it and his attempt to pretend we're all one big happy family drives me crazy (disproportionally probably). He is on my social media commenting on things (with lots of emojis which just makes me want to vomit), or actively engaging in our family WhatsApp group. I just want to delete him off, at the very least, my facebook/instagram etc but based on his behaviour previously, I think it might blow back on SIL. I've accepted I can't take him off the WhatsApp group.

Is it fair for me to do this knowing that it could be very bad for SIL and his relationship with her?

Could you simply alter the settings so he’s made an acquaintance not a friend (on Fakebook) and disable acquaintances ability to comment or tag you? You can also choose who you share your posts with and could send it to a select few. That way you can act genuinely surprised/ignorant if he says he can’t comment on your posts- you can say that he’s still on your list so you don’t know why it’s not working. Not sure if you can do similar on IG.

@Rainbowshine DH suggested the choosing who I share my posts with, but honestly, I'm not interested in having to do that for every post which, if I'm understanding facebook correctly, I'd have to do. The acquaintance thing could work - I didn't know that was a feature. Will look into it.

It’s really easy, once you make a person an acquaintance you can also set it so that all posts are only shared with friends not acquaintances. I have done this with a few people who I also don’t need their drama and don’t wish to share stuff with them. It’s been very effective. I also don’t post much these days, no one cares unless you’re someone with zillions of followers.

Thanks. I couldn't see how to change to acquaintances but I did find a way to make it so that ALL future posts are seen by everyone EXCEPT him. I'm still not sure about this but it's a start.

Fingers crossed for your SIL to be free of him in time!

if you don't like him, just delete him. No conflict surely?

I was a bit sad when I noticed that my cousin's x had deleted me as I'd always thought she was a lovely person and had been so hospitable to me and my dc when they were small. Always thought we'd get to know each other better, when I don't know. I get that she doesn't want her x's family on her fb though. But hey ho. I hope I run in to her in real life some day.

He was abusive and controlling to SIL and continues to make her life difficult. Sadly, it's not as simple as deleting him. If it only impacted me, I'd do it like a shot. But he is absolutely the type to take huge offence and to give SIL a very hard time as a result.

Sorry to jump in but I can't find that acquaintance thing

Acquaintances on Facebook

@teaandtoastwithmarmite this explains it

Thanks @Rainbowshine I'm not hugely optimistic but progress is being made. I just don't do so well with trying to pretend to be nice and polite when he's said and done such disgusting things as well as so many things that aren't epically bad but are just consistently a bit off and/or inappropriate (the list is long and I won't bore you all).

We have armchair diagnosed him as a covert narcissist and one of the things that comes up when looking at this personality type is their complete lack of understanding of the real world. This is him 100%. But it means he can't figure out why we're all less than friendly, even though he's said and done all these terrible things and accused us of doing such terrible things.

I had a thread on here before about how absolutely melt-down, frothing-at-the-mouth furious he was because he wasn't invited to join me, dc, SIL and their DC for pizza on DH's birthday last year. Even though a) they were broken up b) he'd been threatening SIL with physical harm the week before and C) he was refusing to do any childcare. Almost amusingly, it turns out he is STILL ranting to anyone who will listen to him about this, almost a year later.

Just defriend him.

Be the grown up in the room

Say, if you have to explain, that you get all the contact and info you need from him via WhatsApp

Tell SIL that you have done it and if he gives her any nonsense she is to just say "it's her social media not mine"

If he asks just tell him the truth, that after the messages to DH you are family in that he is your nephew/nieces dad but friends is pushing it now after all that has happened. You would insist your kids blocked a friend like him, lead by example.

If there is a fallout point out it's his fragile ego that can't handle a FB snub etc.

If he asks just tell him the truth, that after the messages to DH you are family in that he is your nephew/nieces dad but friends is pushing it now after all that has happened.

<hollow laugh>

DH pointed that out last time. Well, it wasn't pretty. Logical, sensible choices are harder with this man. But it's okay, the sneaky removal facebook suggestion that Rainbow helped me with will probably do the trick and prevent him commenting on my social media in future.