Text contact after ghosting for 4 years.

[TicketMasterMind]

From a sister wishing me Happy Birthday.

There was a huge family fall out after a complex bereavement. I was scapegoated and ostracised around funeral events. I recognised that our family was very toxic and enmeshed and after reaching out a few times with no response just decided to leave it.

This sister I have heard has now recently been ostracised and has sent me a Happy Birthday text.

I have very difficult / mixed feelings about this and how to respond.

I have gotten on with my life and whilst the broader family estrangement has been excruciatingly painful I have not missed this sister in my life.

I am also suspicious that now she is on the outside she needs new ally’s so this is self serving and I will get used and hurt again.

Or should I just take it a face value that there is a thaw / shift with at least one family member and respond with a “thanks - good to hear from you” (just typing that it doesn’t feel honest and makes me feel anxious).

I don’t know how family estrangements are resolved - do things ever get spoken about to draw a line under it - or is that a dangerous strategy which could cause more stress - or is the expectation that everyone ignores what happened and just operates in the now and looks to the future?

I am really confused as to her intentions and my own feelings.

Thank you, goodness another year older.

Polite to the point, and does not invite further comment. IMO

I would go with your gut feel and ignore. Why do something (responding) if it makes you anxious?

That said, now that I’m getting on in years and my circle of family and friends is being diminished by death and illness, I appreciate far more the benefits of moving on from big fallouts and keeping people in your life, albeit at arms length. That’s the other side of the coin to consider.

Op do you think she would ever address the toxicity and take any ownership in her part?

I am nc with my parents / siblings. I had experiences where we’d go nc but I’d soften and let them back into my life but they’d never acknowledge any wrongdoing or apologise. When you’re given an account of your past that is not how you remember (in my case my mum will either deny hitting me or even say I deserved it) it just caused anxiety and frustration on my part that they couldn’t remember hitting me! I’m actually not someone who generally holds grudges but I can’t handle being gaslit or victim blamed. Other people will be different, in your case you’d have also the fear that your sister would resolve things with the family and isolate you again. Personally I wouldn’t take that risk.

I think you are right, why only contact you since being ostracised? Fuck that

Doesn't sound like she'd have contacted you if she hadn't been ostracised. Sod that.

What will you regret more, ignoring what could be a well meant olive branch and going forward with eyes wide open or ignoring and not know what's round the corner? How much can she affect your life now? Life's short but that's means you should be able to live in peace as well

Op do you think she would ever address the toxicity and take any ownership in her part?

No. I have never been able to have a rational discussion with her before to resolve disputes. She is “highly sensitive” and it doesn’t take much to trigger her volatility. Her MO is to flounce and then come back when it suits her with never an option to reflect / discuss etc. just pretend it didn’t happen.

It feels so long ago now that I don’t even really remember the details of issues around the funeral and I am not interested in going over them. The biggest hurt is being rejected and ignored for 4 years whilst grieving alone - they all grieved together.

Its typical as I was moving on emotionally, although Christmas was uncomfortable as always and this text has blindsided me.

OP this is almost identical to what happened to me after my DM died , except that happened 7 years ago. I was ostracised and scapegoated ( and so were my DH and children by default ) by my three brothers. It was really upsetting and it took me a long time to work through it. They all went on holiday together with their families a couple of times to grieve together! No idea what I had done to deserve this.
One of my DB got divorced and sought help for alcoholism during this time. He had been particularly horrible to me and my family which I won't go into. Anyway, he contacted me out the blue this year with a similar message like yours. We spent over two months having frequent Whatsapp chats. No apology or anything from him but I felt it was worth it to get my brother and his children (my niece and nephew) back in my life.
He's only gone and done it again ,OP!!!! Ghosted after the bastard contact my oldest (twenty year old) after asking for her number and "really wanting to see how she is getting on". Promised my DD ,he would visit and keep in touch ! Nope!I have been ghosted ! It has really upset me .
Keep away OP! They don't deserve us!♥️

There was an interesting article in the Guardian about how to repair a relationship after estrangement and it suggested contacting around events as it is an easy message to send, it is just a door opening.

You don't have to respond, now or soon or ever. I would take some time to think about your feelings, four years is a long time.

If its been a considerable time then I highly expect she's after something. My brother got back in contact last week after 6 months of ignoring me and my kids birthdays, Christmas etc. Low and behold it's because something I'm doing could affect him and he's worried. Alllll about them

Wow. I am really sorry to hear this. I can see that you opened up for the cousins sakes. I have been lucky as the older cousins (early 20s now) who already had good friendships kept up their own independent contact even though my DCs were excluded from family events.

I can’t believe he put you through that again - especially involving your DD. Can you track what info he was after or what triggered him to flounce again?

I am not clear on my sisters motive - can only assume it’s for her benefit now she is out in the cold. So although curious, I am cautious.

I do want to establish a polite and civil relationship with my wider family but your experience shows how fragile it is.

From my experience OP it is very difficult to sort things out in these type of situations unless both parties are willing to break the old patterns of communication which can be so hard to do within families. With that being said, if you are cautiously curious you could respond when you are ready, but maybe have a think about your own boundaries and feelings before you do so, and only go along with what makes you feel comfortable. I hope you can find a way to get a meaningful relationship back, but if not I hope you can accept that some things are out of your hands and no relationship is often better than the alternative!

@Nomorescreentime thanks for that. Yes I can imagine that things could erupt easily. I also need to examine my own conscience as maybe I am just nosy about what’s happening in the wider estranged family rather that with this sister who I have nothing in common with and we don’t share the same values. She wouldn’t be a friend if not my sister. If she had made contact before at anytime over the last 4 years to try to build a bridge whilst still part of the family I would have been keen.

Found the Guardian piece -! Thanks @watchfulwishes - really very helpful

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/10/the-thinnest-ice-youll-ever-walk-on-how-to-reconcile-with-a-long-lost-sibling