New partner or go back to ex?

[Missb0203]

Hi!
Mn’ers have helped me out with advice before so I thought I’d give it another go. I’m very aware that I have been no saint here and it’s really eating me up inside, but here goes…

So for context, ex dp and I split just over 6 months ago. We had been together a year and a half and I were living together. He left me because he didn’t see a future with me, and now that he’s at an age and a stage where he wants to settle down, he just didn’t think I was ‘the one’ even though he loves me. I was completely heartbroken.

Flash forward, I have been seeing a really great guy for the last couple of months. He has been incredible, he is kind, funny, caring, we get on great, and he does so much for me without me even asking. We are due to go on a weekend away in a couple of weeks, which he booked as a Christmas present for me, and I’ve been suspecting that’s when he will ask to become official. I know that he really cares about me, and I really care about him too. We have spent a lot of time together over the last couple of months, and so it feels like I’ve known him much longer.

Almost 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine passed away suddenly. I am crushed by it, and for some reason I reached out to my ex via a text message. I suppose I just wanted consoling and he was the person I wanted. He asked if I wanted him to come and see me, and I said no - all I wanted was a little conversation over text while I was struggling and I thought that was that. A few days later he knocked on my door and said he just wanted to check I was okay. That has now turned into him telling me how much he loves me and misses me, how he wants to marry me etc. It has really messed with my head and my emotions. I’ve kept a bit of distance between myself, my ex and my new man while I try to get my head straight. But I just don’t know what to do. I do still love my ex, and I clearly hadn’t moved on as much as I thought. Both my ex and the new man have done so much for me over the past couple of weeks, and I feel so guilty about it.

I know I will have to call things off with one of them, but I just don’t know who. Or if I need to be alone completely. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I know I am going to have to hurt someone, and the guilt is eating me alive. I’m also worried about making the wrong decision.

Any advice? X

If you're stuck between two people, neither of them are right for you. Take some time for yourself. It isn't supposed to be this complicated.

When someone tells you who they are the 1st time believe them.

Your ex is unreliable and has broken your heart. He doesn't get a second chance to do the same.

You had a wobble concentrate on moving forwards whether this involved the new man or not who sounds amazing.

Your ex told you you were not the ones. That's it. Please have enough respect and love for yourself to know you would never let anyone hurt you again after they said that.

Btw he is taking advantage of your being incredibly vulnerable after the death of your friend.

Neither. The ex is an ex for a reason, and as a PP points out, if I was a cynic I'd think he's sniffing round your vulnerability hoping for a shag before he decides again that you're not the one.

On the other hand, you're not being fair to the new guy if you're contacting and mooning about over your ex, so let him go.

Spend some time alone and get your head straight x

Why can't you be with neither?

I feel like your ex might be taking advantage of you.

I wouldn't make any decisions right now. You're bereaved and both these men are distractions from your grief more than anything.

Sorry for your loss.

What I think you should do, is ask your ex to take a step back and give you a couple of months to come to grips with the death of your friend. Don't make any commitments to your boyfriend, just say you want to take things slowly for now.

Try to lean more on your family and other friends than men for a bit.

I think the ex will be a mistake, it's only been 6 months, he can't of matured that much in such little time to suddenly want to settle with you, wanting to take advantage of getting into bed with you more like. If he really loved you that much he wouldn't of said what he did about seeing no future with you.
Seeing him again has stirred up the emotions again. I think concentrate on the new guy if you want him enough?

Your ex has hurt you badly already. He doesn't get a second chance.

Very unfair on your new man to be contacting your ex for emotional support, even if it was just text. In the future don't blur these lines.

Is your ex aware that you are in a new relationship? Seems like this is an "I don't want you but can't stand the thought of anyone else having you either" and therefore trying to draw you back in. Even if that's not the case though, how can yiu trust him? If you're happy in your new relationship I would just continue forward with the new guy

Time on your own would probably be more beneficial. To all 3 of you.

The new guy sounds lovely and I really feel for him here.

You're not over your ex. If you were, you wouldn't of text him under any circumstances therefore it's not fair to continue with the new guy.

Ex is taking advantage of you. You may if contacted him but he's using the death of your friend to work his way back in.

You shouldn't be with either.

My guess is, you are used to dancing to another man's tune and are afraid to go it alone. That is why you could only see it as a choice between them, rather than neither being the obvious option.
You met the next guy before you'd processed your ex, so didn't give yourself time to get over him. I'll bet your ex knows you are seeing someone, as he probably was when he dumped you - but his has not worked out so he is sniffing around again.
Your options from good to bad are:
1 Go it alone for a while and dance to your own tune.
2 Stick with new man - although you ran to your ex for comfort.
3 Pick your ex - congrats, you'll be his plan B.

This

(and sorry for your loss)

With the greatest of respect, I think you went fishing for your ex and he took the bait.

I fell for the ex's shit and we got back together and guess what? He was still who he is. And I still didn't like it. Waste of time all round. Don't bother, once his feeling of 'winning' you back has faded he'll lose interest again.

If your ex really cared he wouldn't have loaded all that shit on you when you were grieving. He's already told you you're not the right one. He didn't amend that of his own accord. He just jumped on the opportunity you offered up to get back in touch.

Cut things off with the ex before you go too far. Give things a chance with the new guy (or don't, if youre having doubts so soon). He may or may not turn out to be the right one for you but your ex has already told you clearly that he isn't either. Once you'd moved in. That was quite a big and considered decision at the time, not just a waver. Do you really want to be someone's 'meh, she's back in touch, might give it another bash'.

How old are you?

It sounds as though you still love your ex but really wanted a more mature version of him, girls do play these games of hoping to get their men into line and it may work for a while but essentially he hasn't changed, he hasn't grown up and the reality is he will revert back to type as soon as you are back together.

I agree that neither of them would be best, continue looking, you sound like a catch and the men you have on offer arn't that great, one being unreliable and the other just doesn't do it for you.

Keep searching gorgeous.

6 months isn't long to already be in another relationship for a couple of months. It takes time to process the ending of a relationship and moving on so fast often is just a way of covering cracks with butter rather than cement.
It sounds like you need some time for you, to find out who you are.
The ex didn't contact you, you contacted him, he would have made the first move if his feelings were that strong. If he knows you have another guy, he's likely marking his territory. Men rarely change especially after such a small amount of time.
If you do still have feelings for your ex then your new relationship is unlikely to last, he sounds like a nice guy, better to let him go than be with him pinning for someone else.

Its scary being on your own but also empowering. Find you and everything else will fall into place.

Did you tell your ex about the new man before he professed his love for you?

Men often don't value what they can easily have. They do value what they can't have.

Perfect response

I made the mistake of getting back with my Ex once, biggest mistake of my life, waste of time and energy, against my better judgment I listen to the bull of I've changed it will be different.

Needless to say within a few months I had kicked him out again. Took me a while and some therapy. But I then met my partner who I love more than I thought possible and we've been together nearly 4 years.

My point is, don't waste time on someone who didn't think you were enough for them. When potentially you're with someone who could be more than you asked for.

Does the new man know you have been texting and seeing your ex ? If you are going to stick with him then you should be honest and tell him about.

Also if you do get back, when it goes pear shaped, and it will, do the new man a favour and don't "reach out to him for comfort".

Some people only want something when someone else has it

What I do think is sad is that the new guy seems great - as you described. I'm sure he would of been a great source of comfort to you in your sad time and it would of been good to give him a chance to show you that.