Partner has depression, anxiety and insomnia but won’t get help

[Hoping77]

My partner suffers from all the above. It’s putting a real strain on us and has done for a while.
He categorically refuses to admit he has mental health issues, will not even entertain the idea of getting help ‘Seen as a weakness’
talking to him about it only end up in an argument.
he gets less than 4 hours sleep every night because he cannot switch off.
we have a 3 year old daughter together and he’s a great dad.
I love him and don’t want to give up on him but I’m desperate to help.
the lack of sleep I know isn’t helping him deal with any of his issues rationally, every day issues at work for example he just doesn’t deal with properly.
i would love him to at least try a herbal sleeping tablet or a herbal anxiety remedy but I just don’t know how to get him to take it. I just know he won’t take anything like that!
his belief is that routine, exercise, healthy eating, hydration and positivity is all he needs to get himself straight. Trouble is he just can’t motivate himself to do any of that or ant least do it consistently and it always falls to ‘tomorrow we reset and start again clean slate’. It’s like Groundhog Day!

he barely goes out any more with his friends, he is isolating himself from work colleagues (hasn’t been in the office for weeks now) he fell out with his brothers on a family holiday and they all haven’t spoken for over a year, he spends most of his spare time in his office on pc games because that’s the only thing that distracts him from his thoughts when he can’t switch off. It’s sometimes 4pm before he comes to bed :-(

Any experience or guidance would be appreciated x

In what way is he a great dad if he spends all his leisure time gaming in a separate room? I don't see how the two can be true at the same time. I know men's parenting is held to a lower standard but really?

And if you can't have an honest conversation about his behaviours without him kicking off, he's not that great a partner.

I would try a calm conversation (or emailing him maybe), and explain how his mood and behaviour affects both you and your child, and that he needs to seek professional help.

Ultimately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

At a certain point you may need to put your own and your child's mental wellbeing ahead of a man determined to put his head in the sand.

I've got sleep issues and I can see a doctor agreeing with him that all he needs is the right mental attitude. They're very unlikely to give him medication, especially if he's dead against it.

They could refer him to a sleep clinic, but that would be a long wait.

Sorry to be brutal, but it sounds like a non starter trying to get him to take something for it, herbal or otherwise.

I wish I knew a way you could get to sleep with insomnia. Unfortunately, I don't. People will have a million different solutions they'd like you to try, but ultimately chronic insomnia doesn't have a quick fix.

Thank you for your comment, it wasn’t feedback on whether he’s a great dad or partner really. He clearly needs help and I was asking for advice from people who may have been in the same situation or have any alternative ideas.

yes ultimately I know I need to know when to draw a line but im not ready to give up on him I want to try all I can to help which is why I reached out on here for support.

@LadyOfTheFliessssss thank you for replying, yes I’m running out of suggestions tbh but I might have to resort to some other means. If I were in such a bad place I wouldn’t want people to give up on me so I’m going to keep trying.
I think eventually the lack of sleep is going to really catch up on him, so I’m hoping he comes to that conclusion himself.
I know he was in a similar place before I met him when he lost his mom (he was only 21) and managed to pull himself out so he can do it again I’m sure x

Hi Op This sounds really hard for you. It really does sound like he is very isolated and not doing well. He is probably addicted to whatever he is doing on his computer late at night.

What kind of work does he do?

@Geppili when I’ve asked him in the past he says it’s the only thing that distracts him from all the noise. He says he can’t switch off from things and at work he gets so consumed and won’t let things go very easily.
Its office work so he’s on a laptop all day with work as well..

Maybe get him to go into the office, 1x a week, then 2x.

Sorry, but it's pointless us making suggestions that he'll just dismiss. It's loving of you to be searching around for help, but - the person who needs to be doing it, isn't. You can't do it for him.

I think you need to get stroppy/insistent that he addresses it, rather than running around trying to prop him up and tolerating him vanishing into gaming like a teenaged boy all hours ,when he has a wife and little girl he should be engaging with.

What is he depressed about?

From what you have written it sounds more like ADHD burnout to me. Which isn’t so much a weakness in him, but a weakness in how society is arranged for NT people to live in, not ND people.

He might find some resources online to help.

You cannot change him. People only change when they want to change. Years of living with people who have MH issues has shown me that. Trying to change their behaviour before they are ready or recognise they are ill is not possible.

You can change your response to them. You can leave them or live with it. If you decide to leave ot does not need to be a forever situation. With my husband I knew I could not live with his behaviour so we split up and got back together when he had chosen to get treatment and was able to manage it better. I don't view it as giving up on him more that I changed his landscape so it made his current situation less desirable to remain in a status quo.

With my daughter I needed to accept that there are some of my behaviours that impact on her wellbeing. I have changed those to make her happier. It has not "cured" her but makes living with it easier for her. We live with her illness and she manages it.

In both circumstances my husband and daughter had to recognise they were ill and needed help. Until your partner does you can only hope for change in you.

I hope you get to a place that is not damaging for you or your child. MH illness is so difficult for everyone and there is very little support for the person suffering and less for their families.