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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex reached out, please help

22 replies

Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 18:07

I would really appreciate some advice in this. Perhaps someone has experienced a similar situation?

My ex h said he wants a divorce a few months ago and I accepted it straight away. No begging and no crying. I just said OK and went strict no contact.

A few months leading up to this he was indecisive about his feelings and the relationship. I tried to make it work but he did nothing since he was already checked out. We had a bad year before this with me being depressed and unemployed, which made him resentful and losing hope about our future together. I had just started working and got out of the depression when he started talking about the possibility of a divorce.

Recently my ex has contacted me showing enormous guilt for how he treated me and owned up to his mistakes which led him to take me for granted. He told a mutual friend he is heartbroken for losing me and our future together and the fact he had to lose me to realise his own faults and how he had put all blame on me for us struggling. He has not told me this in person though and he has not asked for me back.
My head says he knew I loved him and he should take that first step if he wants to fix things. At the same time he might think this break up is what I want since I did not fight for him when he ended it? I know he might also think he should leave me alone because of how much he hurt me.

OP posts:
Mimimayhem18 · 11/01/2023 18:12

He wanted to break up and you gave him want he wanted, you also did it whilst maintaining dignity and class. If he does want to reconcile, it should be on him to make the first move. If you were to do it and get back together, you would always be wondering would he have bothered without your incentive.

Watchkeys · 11/01/2023 18:12

Forget what he might be thinking.

Do you want a partner who has form for letting you down, to the extent of leaving you, when you have a rough patch?

GinIronic · 11/01/2023 18:14

He's been dumped. You are his next bet. Don't fall for it.

SchrodingersKettle · 11/01/2023 18:15

I think you should let it go, and allow the divorce to proceed. His guilty feelings after reflection can be a comfort as it should mean there’s less bitterness during the divorce.

but end of the day, your marriage dragged you down. Since you split you’ve got your life back on track. I suspect that wouldn’t have happened with your ex in your life. There’s no guarantee if you got back together and hit bumps in the road again, he would behave any better to support you through the hard times.

you can do better than him. Don’t torture yourself with might-have-beens

Justcallmebebes · 11/01/2023 18:19

I agree with Watch. Marriage is hard and he let you down when you needed him most. What's to say he won't bail again when the going gets tough?

DPotter · 11/01/2023 18:22

It's a cliche but Actions Speak Louder Than Words - and he hasn't acted.

He could be feeling generally down and just whinging to a mate about how things could have been. If the mate was a real friend your ex would have been told to contact you. I'm in 2 minds whether a real friend would have told you about this conversation, especially if the friend hadn't told your ex to make contact.

Whatever happened, whatever was really said - it's not in your court to even hint at wanting to make contact. Another cliche - Faint heart never won fair lady

RandomMess · 11/01/2023 18:30

I wonder if he thought he someone else lined up and it's fallen through.

ThePredictableScript · 11/01/2023 18:55

Yasss! Karma came for him good and proper. It has gave your ego a bit of a stroke I imagine, take it and run. Run and live your best life with someone who won't just decide to leave. I took my ex back last year, he left Jan 22 and came back April 22, I convinced him practically as he was suffering MH problems, well the marriage was dead, I was on pins, my walls were up, he threatened to leave a few times, I wanted him to leave at times. Even though it had only been 3 months we had both changed so much and my trust for him had gone, I no longer felt safe. Cut to November 22, he left again, I went NC for 6 weeks then offered therapy, he said yes but he would still be moving out aka having his cake and eating it. I said bye and back to NC. Had dignity this time. I would love him to do what your ex did so I could laugh in his face. Let him take the L and move on to someone who deserves you. You sound amazing!

Notaboutthebass · 11/01/2023 19:26

He met someone else and now it's over.

Original poster
Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 21:07

Would none of you give him a second chance?

OP posts:
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 11/01/2023 21:28

Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 21:07

Would none of you give him a second chance?

I would if I loved the guy, felt he was genuinely remorseful and there was a chance for us.

None of us know your ex or are living your life. Do what feels right in your heart and what you can live with. If you decide to try again, could you perhaps give it a time limit, like 6 months trial?

Watchkeys · 11/01/2023 21:31

Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 21:07

Would none of you give him a second chance?

I tried to make it work but he did nothing

You've already made the effort, to no avail.

Tilllly · 11/01/2023 21:32

Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 21:07

Would none of you give him a second chance?

I might. But I'd want to know if he'd just been dumped

If you go back into this relationship, it shouldn't be as his comfort blanket

GinIronic · 11/01/2023 21:35

Inthisdeepconfused · 11/01/2023 21:07

Would none of you give him a second chance?

Nope. He will leave you as soon as a better option comes along.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/01/2023 21:37

Watchkeys · 11/01/2023 21:31

I tried to make it work but he did nothing

You've already made the effort, to no avail.

Show quote history

This exactly...

You have started work, sorting yourself out. It strikes me as he wants you begging and him oh I took you back.

stealthninjamum · 11/01/2023 21:38

Op you would always be on edge every time there was an argument or conflict about whether he was going to leave you. He has shown that he can’t stick around and resolve a problem.

And that assumes he didn’t have his head turned which is also a strong possibility.

ThePredictableScript · 11/01/2023 21:42

Listen to Beautiful South- Need a little time

NameChangeFor2023 · 11/01/2023 21:55

ThePredictableScript · 11/01/2023 21:42

Listen to Beautiful South- Need a little time

Was reading to find this.

Find that strength.

ThePredictableScript · 11/01/2023 22:10

@Inthisdeepconfused only you can know the answer. All I will say though is that if he came back, its highly likely that once his feet are back under the table again that he will go back to how he was in the past. That he will start thinking the grass is greener again elsewhere.. and that you will be there upon his return again. Could you live with your nerves if he was quiet and you felt he had checked out again? That he would walk again if your MH declined. I say go for it if you want but you will likely be surprised at how different it feels and you will quickly realise that your golden days with him are over. I hope you leave him in the past and start new and fresh with somebody else but only you know whether to try or not. Just be mindful of not wasting your precious time.

ZekeZeke · 16/04/2023 08:28

The OW hasn't worked out and now he wants to come home.
You already gave him a chance:

I tried to make it work but he did nothing since he was already checked out

Whatthefnow · 16/04/2023 11:45

Why were you unemployed op.

There are lots of threads on here where the shoe is on the other foot and posters have advised that no one is responsible for another's happiness. Mumsnet is a a strange place sometimes. I would advise you to talk to him as only you and him know the reality of your situation.

Best of luck.

Specso · 16/04/2023 11:55

He’s telling someone else all this and not you. That would suggest he’s looking for sympathy and doing the woe is me act.

If he wanted to reconcile for the right reasons he’d be making it very clear to you and directly ask to get back together and he would have done so before now.

He’s likely just been dumped by a new person he was seeing. In answer to your question,
no I wouldn’t give him another chance. If you do you’ll likely be right back in the same situation in the not too distant future.

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