Never happy with Job / Work

[Teaandtoast3]

My Ex husband is never happy in their work or job. We are in the process of separating. For many reasons. In a decade they have had five different jobs and moaned about each and every single one. They always say they are stressed. It’s always other people’s fault and incompetence at work. This bleeds into home life and they are often irritable with the kids. They are already on antidepressants. They had therapy for half a year and nothing changed. Anyone encountered this? I honestly don’t know how to help anymore. I know I don’t need to help as such but we are all still living together at the moment. It’s draining.

I should also point out that in one job they were off work sick for about 8 months with stress. ^^ so as not to drip feed as it were.

Does he have any undiagnosed autism/other? What was his work record/ career path when you met/ before you had children?

Could he just be bogged down with the weight of responsibility of children and family? Does his malaise tie in with any event?

Time to have your own homes now.

I understand. They can't switch off despite 9-5 hours. Everyone is against them. No one understands them. They gravitate to others with workplace issues. Two years stress leave in six years. The company is a third person in the relationship. You wonder why you talk to someone who treats u like an emotional punchbag. Our relationship is over and I know exactly why. It's hard to say if it's the company or the person. It's not you though.

Zone out and just let it flow past you - you can't help, only they can sort out their own unhappiness/dissatisfaction.

And it's no longer your job to take on or do their emotional labour for them.

I have a partner exactly like this. It's exhausting and I've detached now.

He hated every job I've known him to have for over 20 years, but often wouldn't leave.

Now he hasn't worked for a few years and he's still unhappy. Now the hatred and anger seems focused on me, the person working to support our family.

You've done well to get out. Stay away from the negativity. I often wish I could.

@Tron80 i do wonder often wonder if he could be neurodiverse if I’m honest. We’ve had that conversation and he won’t do anything about it. He’s always been in the same profession for years… over 20 years in fact just in different ways I.e working in the profession or teaching others about said profession. I even offered for him to retrain in a different field but he’s not interested. No event. He’s had plenty of chances to go up the career ladder as well but has refused. He’s just never happy. The happiest I saw him was when he was on sick leave. It’s always in regards to the people around him. I can’t wait to have my own home. Just waiting for the house to sell.

I’m sorry you’ve been though similar @Cheesandcrackers. It definitely sucks the energy out of you doesn’t it? 💐

I know it’s no longer my job @category12 but unfortunately at the moment we are still all living in the same house. I’m exhausted with it. Hopefully it won’t be more than another month or two.

@Randomusername2222 do you mind me asking why you stay in the relationship? What’s he contributing? 💐

But you don't have to continue to engage and be exhausted by it. It's time to have a boundary in there.

While you're forced to stay living together, and being civil is a good idea, you shouldn't keep on listening to the moaning and trying to make suggestions.

Just go "oh sorry you had a bad day" and remove yourself from the conversation - go do something in another room, or whatever. Stop engaging.

I am probably a bit like this in some ways. I’m autistic, and the difficult thing about work is always the people you have to be around/interact with. I’m much better self employed, but the aspects I find stressful about running my own business usually relate to certain aspects of dealing with people - unreasonable expectations, trying to get stuff for free, dealing with staff who take the piss. I also can get fixated and find it hard to switch off if there’s an unresolved work problem. But I also know it’s not my DH problem to fix any of that, knowing I’m autistic helps me to be kind to myself when I know I’m getting hung up on something and try to figure out what it is I need, it also helped me to reframe why I found those things hard, and it’s not so much that I hate working or hate every job I do, it’s that certain aspects will always be tricky because of how my brain works. Sure, some days I’d love to work less, or not work at all, and avoid those stresses, but that’s not realistic.

I dunno if that resonates at all with your DH, obviously he needs to have the “come to Jesus” moment himself though in terms of realising something is going on here and he might need other help and support.

@Teaandtoast3 he is a SAHD. A job he said he wanted but just another he seems to resent, and, if I'm honest, does to a minimum. Never takes the kids out during school holidays, has a go at me for not doing school runs, starts lots of jobs around the house that don't get finished and the mess is left everywhere.

I stay through fear really. He's the only thing I've known since I was 20. I have little family support, no financial back up and would need to take out a huge mortgage to go it alone.

It's pathetic I know.

Thank you @RavenclawsPrincess it does resonate actually but he won’t do anything about it. I’ve tried. Maybe he will have a rethink when we have sold the house. I hope he does. I would like to be his friend forever. Ironically he has been treating me much better as a friend than he ever did as a wife!

For what it’s worth @Randomusername2222 I don’t think it’s pathetic at all. I first asked OH to leave four years ago but he promised everything would change… and it always did temporarily, but was never sustainable for him. I also do have a few people in my life who do help and support me. Probably two in fact! But it’s enough. Maybe without his influence you might have more support? I have definitely had a few people tell me that they couldn’t stand OH which is why they’ve been largely absent for the last decade. He ran them off! 💐 don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve got rondo what you’ve got to do. You do 100% deserve more though!!

No idea what rondo is. That should have read you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.