Monogamy in therapy

[mrsdoubtfiring]

We are a couple in limbo. Geographically apart, but we work well. Time and distance have prompted us to seek outside help with decisions about whether the relationship is sustainable for the next few years, at a distance, until we can merge. Is it reasonable to request continued monogamy whilst going through this process? Any other comments gratefully received

Is it reasonable to you? Is that what you want? Then request..

Yes I think so. It reduces cloudiness

If you are serious enough to be having therapy together then I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. If your partner disagrees, then that's something to discuss as part of your consideration into how it might or might not work

Yes, if the idea is for you to have a long-distance relationship then certainly monogamy is a reasonable and sensible choice. No point in putting a lot of effort, time & emotion into a relationship where you're shagging other people and may end up getting more interested/involved with another partner. plus it's not particularly fair on any other people who get involved, especially if they might not be aware.

But it seems strange to need therapy at the stage where you're not seeing a lot of each other? If it's tough-going already, what's the point? You'd be better finding someone local who a relationship just 'works' with.

It’s about what you want and what you want to live with. Following your feelings and asking for what you need makes for a happy life. If you need monogamy to feel safe in the relationship that’s okay. You should always ask people for what you need.

People can also say yes/no as is right for them though. Are you worried about getting a ‘no’ and the implications of that? If you feel anxiety about that it’s very much worth talking through in therapy.

You can have any boundary on monogamy that you want. Whether or not your partner agrees to it is his decision but it’s not unreasonable to request it.

Thanks for your response. The purpose of the therapy is not because it’s tough going. It’s outside professional eyes helping us to determine if we both have the drive /will/determination/desire/ tenacity/love to overcome that distance and “loss” of time in the interim. We get on well. One of us is on for it and the other is teetering. We both need to be of enough of the same mind for it to work. Hence therapy.

Is the one who is teetering the one who suggested therapy?

Sounds like one of the issues on the agenda is how you both feel about monogamy! I'm guessing this might be a point of difference? Maybe that's something to raise in couples counselling . . .

We are of the same mind about monogamy, but as we’re in limbo undecided about the effect of the distance , and if we can both cope with that for a sustained period

We both thought of an outside person-therapy but the teetering one asked. So yes

I think it depends on how things are. I have see a lot of situations with men who are unsure or unable to commit for whatever reason yet demand monogamy. I wouldn't advise anyone who wants to settle down with someone to be monogamous with someone who isn't sure about them because it'd cutting off the possibility of meeting someone who actually wants to commit to them. This is especially important for women in their 30s who want to have children.

How long is it going to be long-distance?

3 years

If either person becomes intimate with another person it cam get very messy.... catxhing feelings, unplanned prgenancy, unexpected stds etc etc...
It doesnt sound like a good idea to me

3 years is a long time. How often would you see each other?

A third of the time

Therapy sounds like a good idea in your shoes. I would expect monogamy. I suppose the issue is whether you would each trust each other do maintain it now not being monogamous has been put on the table.

To me, the only way it would work with such a duration is if both people were fully committed to it working amd to me that would mean excluding others.

Someone will break if not getting laid for years on end. Sounds like this relationship is doomed.

Move on..

If you don't have a plan to move in together ? If not, you need to start talking about logistics and how it would happen. Either one of you moves to the other's location or you both move to a neutral location.

No easy solutions but if you don't have any plans you might waste a lot of time and money talking to a therapist.

It is obviously reasonable to expect monogamy in any relationship, whatever the circumstances.

The fact that either/both of you want an outside person/counsellor to determine if your relationship is worth persevering with, pretty much answers it's own question. It sounds hard work.

How long have you been in this long distance relationship? Have you ever lived together before?