Bf doesn’t make effort with my family & friends

[Lauren5982]

Am I being unreasonable? Would love some others options on this (sorry it’s a bit long)

So I have been with my partner for over 2 years now, we don’t live together but see each other 3-4 times a week and spend time staying at each other’s houses.

A family friend is having a birthday do at a small hall near me, my immediate family (aka my parents and brother) have been invited to go as well as my brother’s girlfriend and my boyfriend. So I mentioned it to him over the phone and just asked if he wanted to come with us. His response was ‘why do I need to go to that’ and ‘I don’t know anybody there so what’s the point I’m not going to speak to anyone’. He also said the same thing about a month before about going to my cousin’s 30th birthday, basically that he won’t know all of the people there and he’ll just spend the whole time speaking to me and we can just do that at home. (I wondered if this was a confidence thing but I don’t think so as he has to do a lot of public speaking in his job and seems to easily speak to new people) he did eventually go to the 30th birthday but I felt I dragged him there and he looked like he didn’t want to be there the whole time. I feel like I make such an effort with his family
& friend’s get togethers even when I don’t know people there, I get quite bad social anxiety but still go to these events with him to make the effort with his family however when it comes to my family events I’m always by myself and everyone is there with their partners. It’s not so much going to the event that bothers me, we don’t have to go to every single thing but it’s his response, if I turned around and said I didn’t want to go to something with his family & friends because I didn’t know anyone I would never have met anyone. We’ve had a long conversation about this and he said that if I really want him there then he will go and be there for me but what is the point him coming now when he’s already blatantly said he doesn’t want to go? I now feel like in future is there is no point me asking him to come to anything as we will just go round in circles. You may not want to go to things but do you not make the effort for your partner like I make the effort for him?

All I can think of here is how will he ever get to know anyone if he won't meet them?

Meeting a partner's family and friends is something I only do with great reluctance, as I'm an unsociable wanker. I spend all my social energy interacting with people at work, I don't want to have to be doing that shit on my precious time off.

I definitely would not bother meeting the friends/family of someone I didn't live with, or plan to live with soon. I'm permanently single though, thankfully!

Sounds like you may be incompatible in your social approaches, OP.

Does he expect/request make a deal about you meeting his friends and family? Or is that something you want/like to do?

I loathe going to my in-laws as whilst they are completely inoffensive they are so dull and just sit and watch tv when I visit. I've told DP this and he agrees so I only have to see them at Christmas.

To me, being a partnership isn't about whether you live together, despite what some may say. I know people who have had longer, more fulfilling relationships with someone they don't live with then others who have with their partners. I'd rather not move my partner into my children's home but he is very much my partner.

Anyway, to me it's more about those other things such as doing things together, having each others backs, getting to know each other's family and friends, supporting each other. His reluctance to want to do that would make me feel that he doesn't value me as a whole person with all the wider things that make me who I am (like family and friends). No, I don't always want to go and see my partner's parents (neither does he for that matter) but I go because I love him and we are a partnership.

I don't however need to wash his underwear to be a partnership.

All the advice on here when someone doesnt want to go to an event/gathering with DH's family/work is to just not go if you dont want to.

Which is what your boyfriend is doing (with a feeble excuse) so i guess its ok for him to do so.

This would be a dealbreaker for me

This would be a dealbreaker for me

Yea, me too.

He wouldn't be there for you if some situation arose in your family. I'd feel very alone.

It is a bit mean and ungrateful not to go for special occasions as he's been invited. Look at the bigger picture is the relationship overall fulfilling you? Is he going to a be your life partner? If you have doubts then he's just a boyfriend not a serious partner.

Does your bf make an effort with your immediate family OP (parents/brother)?

If he didn't even make an effort with them, then I'd wonder where the relationship was heading. I get that he wants a relationship with you, and not your wider family, but getting to know the parents/siblings in at least a small way is surely all part of being in a relationship once you've been together a while?

I have had this very issue (among others)
ExDP got defensive in that he 'goes' doesn't really get the point is that it's not done willingly. I know you can't make someone want to. But like PPs this is a deal breaker for me. And I was clear about this early on.

I want someone involved with my family, and to an extent friends though not quite the same.

It's a difficult thing to overcome as once they've made it clear they don't really want to, but will. It's becomes a point you can't really ever change/go back from

I think this kind of attitude drives a wedge. It says more than " I just don't want to go" it says that if you carry on seeing me, expect to go to to every social event on your own - not many would be up for that. It puts a limit on your togetherness and keeps the relationship on a more superficial level.
I think if you stick within this, you could find years down the line that you still live separately, and there is no further commitment from him beyond how it is now. The message is he doesn't want to progress things beyond how they are now.
This can be fine if you also want to stay as you are, but I think you want more than that. Its time to take stock, think of how you see your future, because you could end up wasting time in something without a future. This has commitment-phobe written all over it.

Throw this one back

Deal-breaker. Ditch him and find someone who isn't selfish.

Being a partner isnt just about each other, it's about being part of your partners wider family events as well. It's what you do for each other.

Unless your family are awful, unreasonable people for me this would be a deal breaker.

This would be a really difficult thing for me to get past.

He is, in effect, saying that he isn't committed to the relationship.
If he isn't prepared to take the time to get to know people who are important in your life, then it doesn't suggest he is very committed to the relationship.

I "get" that some people find it daunting or intimidating to be "launcehd" as the new boyfriend / partner at some big event, but it doesn't sound lie that is what you have invited him to do. It sounds like these are a pretty normal round of social things that are part of your life. If he's not prepared to get to know people that are important to you two years in, then when will he be ?

Simply, how does he expect to get to know people if he won't meet them or spend time with them ?

I would have to lay my cards on the table over this - I couldn't spend my life with someone who refused to acknowledge my family and friends, and that is coming from someone who is willing to go out without dh quite often - but not 'always'.

DP generally goes to half of my family gatherings etc.

I married someone like this.

he never wanted to meet up with my friends or family, and I let that slide. Move forward in time, he never did come to stuff unless under duress and it didn’t clash with his hobby. This even extended to our children’s things.

we are now divorced. He is telling you he isn’t interested in you and what and who you are interested in….listen and take action