Zero affection and no kissing!!!!

[Just5MinsMoreSleep]

I'm at a loss here, husband and I have been together just over 22 years with 4 children.
We had 2 children when he cheated on me with my best friend 3 years into our relationship (had been a thing for a while and I caught them)
Took him back because I wanted another child and wasn't going to start looking for a new man to just have more children and I really did fall for him when we first met and really did love him (was young and dumb, would never take back a cheater now)
We went on to have more children which was hard because I've never got over the cheating, it ruined me as a woman, i have no girlfriends because of this and i worried if he would ever do it again, spent years hating my body and myself because i felt i wasn't enough for him so he went elsewhere.
I'm now at peace with it (still hurts like hell but never mention it anymore and i believe him when he says he will never do anything again)

The reason i'm at peace with it is because i'm empty! He's switched off, we got married 7 years ago and since then the affection/kisses/sex/dates everything a marriage needs has stopped from his side. I have brought all this up many many times over the years but he shuts down and never talks about it. We don't go out for dinner/cinema/dates we don't kiss, we only have sex if i ask for it....yes ask, I could go months with zero affection and then climb into bed naked and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. During lock down i slept on the sofa because of this, i spent 4 months downstairs and then one day thought no i'll try sleep upstairs see what he does, i got nothing not even a hug, this spiralled me into a horrible dark place that took me months to get out of. The whole time he just got on with his normal life ignoring me being down, i was struggling to hide it from the kids, arguing constantly because i needed him to help me, I'd sat him down and said he either shows me affection or we're done (many times) but it changes nothing.
He wont kiss me at all, the last time he kissed me was our wedding day and even then it was a peck, I don't want to be with any other man, i want my husband to want/notice and show me the love i show him, i want him to take pictures of me with the kids (have asked him but still doesn't) I want him to treat me like a wife and not a flatmate.
Do you think it's possible to change this? Hes been to the doctor and says hes not depressed and "happy" always says he will do more he will change but never does.
He works hard and brings money in, he cooks amazing meals and is a great dad but spending the last several years feeling invisible, not wanted and un loved is making me feel the worst I've ever felt (and yes I've told him this but he still don't change)
The worst part about it....the kissing is the hardest part for me, it's such a big part of affection for me, i just want my husband to hold me and kiss me...is that too much to ask????

Sorry to read this OP, sounds tough and like you deserve so so so much more than what he's giving

I think it might be possible to change things IF he wants to change them. He clearly doesn't want anything to change so I personally wouldn't waste any more of my life with him

Sorry OP. I can’t think of a solution that includes staying with this unaffectionate man.

Why exactly do you want to stay in this 'relationship' ?

You can't live like this forever, you deserve so much more and he isn't willing to try.

Not saying pack your toothbrush and walk out the door this second but honestly, if you were alone, at least you wouldn't be feeling rejected, not good enough, unable to trust friends. I think he disengaged long ago but hasn't had the decency to end things.

Weigh up your current feelings, which aren't going to change because he has no intention of changing, against the difficulties involved in ending the marriage, the logistics of whoever moves out etc and see which seems the bigger burden long term.

The fact he slept with your friend and has behaved like this since shows long standing contempt to me. Otherwise OK people may stray, make a mistake etc, but that was a high level of betrayal. It just doesn't sound like he cares, I'm sorry to say.

I've spent over half my life with him, he is the only man I've ever loved like this, he used to be so affectionate, we used to be so so happy and did loads of things together, I just don't know what to do to make this better, I've not let myself go, if anything i look better now than i did 10 years ago i'm a size 14 that tries to look as nice as i can and he is verbal a lot with that, tells me i look sexy or look nice, my hair is nice today, that dress is nice etc but i always follow it up with you do know you can act on them words! But he never does. My children see us as perfect as we do laugh with each other, we joke about with the kids and both help around the house our kids are so happy as we talk problems through with them and we're a happy household just the physical part of the relationship is a zero, it would break the kids hearts if they knew the truth.

So basically you are house mates, pretending to be man and wife. It sounds like he came back to the relationship to keep the household together, not because he loves you.

How old are you OP? I couldn't live like that even now and I'm nearly 60. Intimacy of some kind is important in maintaining a connection. Showing affection through touch matters.

How would he react to an open marriage?

Oh OP. You’re not unreasonable to want more, but if it’s been 7 years since your DH even kissed you, I really think this relationship might be dead in the water…

I'm coming up to 40, open marriage is a no no, just the thought of another woman doing stuff to him would be way too much for me, and i know he get jealous as a bloke at his work said to him once if you leave your wife i'll have her and he mulled it over for months, he has broke down before saying he cannot live without me and he would be a broken man if i left and i know he would, i know there is love there from his part just zero physical etc, i am in no position to up sticks and leave as 1 i have no where to go and 2 i wouldn't leave my kids and he has no where to go and we're not in a good financial situation where he can rent another place or hotel.

But yes house mates for sure and he knows that's how i feel as i've told him multiple times.

He isn’t going to change. You’ve had the conversation many times.

It's good you got married, because now you need to divorce so you can get the affection you want from someone else with a better financialsettlement.
You see, you've been flogging a dead horse for years. Yes you love him, which has kept you hanging on for 19 years beyond what you it should of, but you are missing one vital fact. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they have to love you back, and he clearly doesnt.
2 kids in the first 3 years of a relationship is a lot, so it's not entirely surprising this went wrong as you barely had time to get to know each other before becoming parents so the honeymoon phase was over fast as nothing often kills passion like a couple of babies (though not always so, it's common).
It comes across generally as you equated having DC with increased security and an expectation that love will follow which is not necessarily the case.
You can't make someone love you is the bottom linle. What you do about it now is up to you - try to convince for years more or see the situation for what it is and deal with it.

This is very hard OP and my heart goes out to you. I doubt anything is going to change though, if the feelings are not there romantically on his side there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You cannot switch these feelings on or off at will. They are either there or they are not and in this case he does not seem to have these feelings for you. He more than likely loves you as a person and as the mother of his children but he doesn't see you in as sexual way. He just sees you as a mate.

I don’t understand why you choose to remain in this awful life.

It sounds like he's never really been into you to start with but perhaps went along with it once you took him back after he cheated. I know it's absolutely horrible but your post really does read like things aren't going to improve at this late stage.

You have the power here to decide what you want your life to look like going forward. If you need more affection from a relationship, which most people would want, it's unlikely your husband will change at this stage to provide it.

You could ask why he chooses to stay too, what’s in it for him. Tnere must be something.

Just

re this part of your earlier comment:

"I've spent over half my life with him, he is the only man I've ever loved like this, he used to be so affectionate, we used to be so so happy and did loads of things together, I just don't know what to do to make this better"

You are now coming up to 40 so you're not that old. Do not for goodness sake spend the next 20 months, let alone 20 years like this wasting your life on such a man. You're both showing your children a terrible model of a relationship and you would surely want better for your children too in their relationships. You're teaching them to sell themselves short along with believing that a happy relationship and marriage is not their birthright either. You deserve better too but sadly you do not believe that for yourself, instead blaming your own self and wrongly so for his cheating.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar as a child, did your dad treat your mum like this?.

There is NOTHING you can do to make this better; you cannot rescue and or save this on your own. He is patently not interested in anything other than being housemates. HE is the inadequate one here, not you. He cheated because he wanted to and felt entitled to do so, it is NO reflection on you at all yet you blame your own self and wrongly. This relationship was over when he cheated on you.

He is an adult with choices; you are not responsible for him and or where he goes. Where he goes is not your problem so do not own that. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour within it.

He knows how you feel and he does not care for either you or for that matter his children. How can you call him a good dad as well, your bar for that is the barest of bare minimums.

Please don't stay in this relationship. You deserve so much more. I know it's hard when you've been with someone for so long. He betrayed you early on. You stayed with him for entirely the wrong reasons but what's done is done. This is your life. This is your future to change. Do you really want to grow old and live the rest of your life like this?

And to answer your question, no, I don't think he will change. It's been SEVEN years since he's kissed you. You've tried to get him to notice you, you've told him how you feel, you've given him ultimatums, and he still doesn't care.

In one of your follow-up posts, you talk about how great things used to be. Well, unfortunately, things change and they're not great now. It's sad when something was once so perfect, and we try hard to get those good times back. But from what you've said, I'd say it's all dead in the water. You have half a century left to live, and if you stay with him, you're going to be stuck in exactly the same situation in 10, 20, 30, 40 years time.

How much longer are you going to do this to yourself?

Google 'sunken cost fallacy'

Where is your SELF love?
And what about your kids? Do you actually think its healthy for them to be raised in home where their father is this cold to their mother and their mother acting like a sad shadow of a human. Pining after a man who checked out of this marriage years ago.

I'm sorry to be harsh op but - put your big girl pants on, end this sham marriage and start over fresh. You're probably not even half way through your life yet, don't waste the rest of it.

You love him...do you though? Sounds like you love a fantasy. A dream about who he should be. But isnt, at least not for you. Maybe that and a touch of fear of being single.

I love chocolate, but if I ate it everyday forever I'd get sick. You've grown sick. Time to make different decisions.

He doesn't need to change - you do.

Sorry to say but I doubt you can recover the affection. He hasn’t even kissed you since your wedding day? As others have said you’re just house mates and if you want more than that, then the only option is to leave. Trust me there’s life after 40 with other relationships or even happy on your own. You’ll wonder why you wasted so many years, trust me

Hi OP,

Is there any chance he could be silently suffering with his mental health? Depression perhaps?

You have been mistreated by this man. Your first mistake was staying with him as essentially a sperm donor, although I understand your rationale (kind of). Go and be happier single. I guarantee you it's better than this loveless prison. Your mental health will improve and you have your lovely kids.

Oh op, I get it. I had a long term boyfriend who was equally cold. Ultimately, we split (no kids). In an ideal world, you would split, but you have kids, and I can see you want to stay together, and I hear the advantages (nice meals, happy kids etc). You are so down the line of his priorities, and you risk getting very depressed. What to do? Have you tried counselling? Have you tried doing more things for you (can be hard for mums) but eg do you work, can you take up an active hobby (art classes or wine tasting or etc), get out there and show him you’re a real person who he risks losing if he doesn’t change. But mostly, doing things for you will be good for YOU. Given you want to stay with him, YOU need to work on your own self esteem rather than expecting him to change (& maybe he’ll change if you start living a happier life). It’s so tough though, I remember it well. Good luck, you sound lovely.

Sorry op it sounds like he came back for the kids and not for you. When the kids are a bit older he will leave you and start a new life. Then the best years of your life will be gone. Please seriously consider leaving him and starting a new life for you. It's obvious that he doesn't fancy or love you. I would suggest that you try therapy for you as it sounds like your confidence and self esteem are at rock bottom.

I suspect he is getting and giving love and affection with another woman, while he stays with you for the children. That's the relationship now, co parents only.

Could he be gay OP? I have seen your situation numerous times through my life and it was only when he felt brave enough to admit who they really were did they become human again, Some men hide their whole life in the shadows beause its how they cope,Being mr resectable with the loving wife and children and the happy home and job,its expected you see by society or it was once,things have moved on a long way and way for the better these days but that wasnt the case years ago. Could he be hiding who he really is with the misguided idea of protecting you and the kids and himself?