AIBU DH effort

[Moredrama]

NC for this one.
DH and I have had a number of issues over the past year or so (mostly down to him) but still muddling through. We had a bumpy few weeks on the run up to Christmas as well.
Anyway, Christmas comes around and he didn’t get me anything. This never happens, even if the gifting is just generic bits. It really bothered me, after such a rubbish year and me clearly being upset about his lack of effort I couldn’t believe he chose to do this. He had been shopping a few times to get gifts for his DC so it’s not like he didn’t have time or opportunity.
I raised it with him as I was so upset but he didn’t have much response, though he said he would make it up to me. That didn’t happen, despite him having time and having been shopping for something else since, and me yet again saying how let down I felt.

A few days ago I decided that rather than keep allowing myself to get upset by getting my hopes up, I’d just buy the couple of things I had wanted for Christmas for myself.
Now DH has come to me and suggested we go shopping. I said Christmas was weeks ago and he could have sorted it by now if he really cared about how hurt I was. This led to another fall out.

Part of me feels like I’m just being petty and I should have just accepted his suggestion despite how late it was. But he knows how big a deal Christmas is to me and that it’s not about the money but the effort, and it seems silly to go wasting money for the sake of it when I have now bought what I wanted. I feel as though he’s only suggesting it now to shut me up (even though as I said I decided to leave it), rather than him actually being sorry for hurting me.

I feel silly even writing this but I’m fed up about it all and in my own head.

Obviously the main issue is that he’s hurt my feelings.
I guess I just need someone to tell me if I am being petty and to get over myself, or if I’m valid for feeling upset about it all and how best deal with it.

I would be upset too; he hasn’t made any effort - maybe it’s time to end it

How you feel doesn't matter enough to him for him to do something as simple as ordering you a book and a new scarf from amazon. It takes five minutes. I think you need to work out what you do about that. You've made it clear this mattered to you. He has chosen not to prioritise your feelings.

I’d be livid! It’s not about the ‘stuff,’ or the money - its about being caring and wanting you to have something to open on Christmas Day. One year we were skint and Dh bought and wrapped my favourite snack foods!
It just feels like a big ‘I don’t care about you’ from your Dh. In your shoes I’d laugh at the idea of going shopping for last Christmas now, and tell him to maybe try a little harder next Christmas. And in the meantime, if it’s his birthday between now and then, I’d blank it completely. Just inexplicably develop a mental block, say you get him something nice, say you’re going to arrange something, and on the day, say Merry Christmas! And then get on with your day as usual. Offer to take him shopping in a few weeks when he moans, if he dares to moan! Then just keep putting in off. Around October, let him know either you will both have nice thoughtfully chosen presents to open, or neither of you should be bothering. I’m rather caustic though, but needs must.

So he wanted to take you shopping so YOU could make the effort of what he could buy you? Extremely low effort remedy to this situation on his part.

I had a similar situation and my DH is now asking what I want but it’s missed the point for me; getting something now won’t change how I felt on Christmas Day and I’d rather move forward and he make the effort in different ways

I don't think you're petty at all. He can go out and shop for other family members but not you. That shows exactly what he thinks of you and this would be a deal breaker for me.

Out of interest, did/do you buy for him? If so, you know what to do next birthday/Christmas. Exactly nothing. Show him the same contempt he shows you. Better still, leave him

Thanks for all of your replies. I actually cried because I had convinced myself I was being silly given how he’s handled it all, thinking maybe it’s just me.

We always get each other gifts for Christmas and birthdays. He also knew I’d got him something for Christmas as he chose them & I paid when we were out shopping previously (I also got him other things, which he knew I would as I always do).
When I gave his he said he didn’t want to open them until he’d got me something, but then has left it this long despite more conversations in the meantime.
It’s definitely not a money issue, it’s simply a lack of effort.

I know I should just treat him the same but I could never do that.

I just feel resentful now because he had the opportunity to try and make amends and if he’d done something about it as soon after Christmas as he could then I’d have accepted it, but to keep it dragging on despite knowing how he’s made me feel I just think is a rotten way to behave.
Now he will just say that he offered. The fact he dealt with it like this won’t matter.

But it matters to you. He knew when christmas was, it's not like it leaped out of a bush and landed on him. It's there in the bloody calendar and it's the same time every year. He knew you had gifts for him. Trying to fix it after the fact isn't good enough and you deserve better than that.

He will say he offered to fix it, because in his mind its good enough to do that, weeks after the day, and if you don't like it, well he tried, shrug, what can you do. But it's not good enough. And his bullshit attempt to fix it and brush the responsibility onto you,to make time, to plan, to go shopping, to choose your gift, it's just further indication that your feelings don't rank very highly in his opinions.

Hey if it makes you feel better one xmas I got my DP a carefully chosen stocking full of presents (including personalised lego figures of himself and his son), lots of cute little presents and one big expensive one - do you want to know what he got me...?

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(drumroll)
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A toilet brush. (He's now an ex).