Should I block and cut contact with my mum?

[CreatingHavoc]

I have had a terrible few weeks/months with illness and I've also been at rock bottom with my mental health because of it. I have a few supportive family members but only 2 reasonably close by. My mum however, always makes me feel worse. She berates me and demeans me for my mental health issues (largely health anxiety so when I'm ill it's really hard) denies that I am actually ill when I clearly am (high temperature, flu like symptoms etc) and is generally not nice at all. I have been trying to ask for her help and support with my 2 dc while I have been ill recently so as to not put all the pressure on the other family members who usually help me and she normally refuses or makes excuses.

Then the other day she decided to call my other family members to complain about me, saying she can't cope with my "daily demands". I had the audacity to ask her if she could maybe pick the dc up from school a couple of times this week so I am hardly messaging her daily. She initially agreed to pick them up on one of the days and then launched in to an attack on me via message so I told her not to bother. As it happens my more supportive family member came round without me even asking and offered to pick them up for me. I don't understand what my mums problem is with me but it's making my mental health problems worse. I obviously would like to have her support because she is my mum but at this point I think she's doing more harm than good.

She's also got a problem with alcohol and she has been unpleasant and nasty to my youngest daughter before, also denying that she was poorly and accusing her of 'putting it on' when she had a uti that needed antibiotics. I have reduced her contact with the dc because of this and she doesn't ever have them unsupervised anymore. She has also berated me in front of dc before, which I have told her is inappropriate.

I was thinking maybe block her so that I can't attempt to get her to support me anymore as it always backfires. When I'm having a hard time with anxiety and illness I feel very vulnerable and just want some help and end up messaging her. If I block her, I guess it makes me less likely to ask in the first place?!

She's also got a problem with alcohol and she has been unpleasant and nasty to my youngest daughter before,

For this alone I’d cut her off.
No, you don’t need her in your life. Your mum is supposed to love you unconditionally. She’s not going to help you so there’s no point in you hoping or expecting her to. It’s her loss.

I guess she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up either and she fundamentally has not changed. She is not the nice, supportive and kind mother you perhaps hope she is and or will be still to you; she is not built that way and that is not your fault either.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

What are your boundaries like with regards to her; they do seem far too low here. Examine those more closely and raise them.

Would you tolerate a friend doing this?. Perhaps not - and your mother is really no different.

The truism here is that if a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/abusive/batshit etc for YOU to deal with its the same deal for your DC as well. I would certainly cease asking her to collect your DC from school (why did you ask her to do that anyway given how she behaves towards you?) they apart from anything else need a reliable and or responsible adult and your mother doesn't fit either bill. If she also has a problem with alcohol this is yet another reason not to have her around in their lives, let alone your own.

Do you have professional support re your anxiety and is your mother's behaviours to you and your family the root cause of you feeling this way?. You may well find that your anxiety levels will lessen if you are not contacting her at all. You may want to look at and or otherwise post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks, I have actually posted on that thread before about her but the last couple of months have been so much harder with illness and mental health so I thought I'd post on the main board.

I asked her to pick up the dc as I felt I'd asked too much of other family recently. I feel I am a burden sometimes when I am unwell physically and mentally. As it turns out, another family member turned up anyway without me asking.

I didn't have a great relationship with her as a child, I feared her and couldn't open up to her about anything. I never disclosed how unhappy I was at school or that I was bullied, for example. I spent most of my childhood at friends houses instead of my home because at the time she was married to an unpleasant alcoholic (not my dad, my dad is lovely and kind thankfully). Ironically she became an unpleasant alcoholic too.

My sister has also recently reduced contact with her but she has always willingly helped my sister and wants to be involved with my niece but apparently doesn't give a shit about me or my younger dc. She likes my eldest though, probably because she can control and manipulate her.

Definitely cut her off. She's not good for your mental health.

Oh and I am awaiting professional support for my anxiety, got some appointments lined up and may try sertraline soon. I can manage anxiety wise when I am not feeling ill but as soon as illness arrives I struggle to cope and my brain thinks I'm dying all the time 🙄 I doesn't help that I have several actual diagnosed health problems so things can be very difficult at times of illness anyway.

I would cease all contact and grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.
If your mother overtly favours your sister there may well be a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on with she and her children being golden and you along with your children being scapegoated. It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with someone like your mother and in addition she is not an emotionally safe person for anyone, let alone your eldest DC, to be at all around.

Let go of any and all hope here she will change. She has not really changed since your own childhood which itself sounds utterly miserable; so sorry you went through that. That is on her and the other adults around her who let you down.

What does your dad think of her behaviour?.

Thanks for your advice @AttilaTheMeerkat . I will not be contacting her again.

My dad didn't really know about her behaviour until I felt the need to tell him yesterday because she called him to complain about me. He is quite concerned now.

It's baffling because on the one hand my mother complains 'no one ever comes round anymore' when talking about how we don't visit her and then she refuses to come and even pick the dc up from school. I suspect it's because of her drink problem. If she's out in the car, she can't drink.

Interestingly my sister thinks she is a narcissist and told me her therapist does too. My sister has had therapy for years but I am only just starting on that journey. I hope it will help. It definitely seems to have helped my sister.

My support network now consists of my ex and his mum (who is lovely) and neither of them like my mum either. My dad and best friend live an hour or so away but can help out occasionally. I will keep these people around me instead of my toxic m.