Don’t know if I’m over exaggerating but need some advice please 🙏

[Flipflops24]

Hi! Just need some advice on this one….

So, me and my partner have been together nearly 4 years, our relationship is great we have our ups and downs of course but, we really love and care for each other. My boyfriend is a lot older then me, and for the past year/ year and a half we have been having some issues in the bedroom. At first I was very understanding and supportive, I know it’s a problem for him he just has no sex drive, and is not very affectionate. I really like to be stroked and touched it makes me feel loved and calm. I have told him this and he just doesn’t get it, in fact it iterates him a lot. Lately my sex drive has been super high and I just want some passion and love to be injected back into my relationship. He has tried viagra, tbh it didn’t do much and he does like it, I can understand as it’s so bad for you. I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much and want a future with him but, I know this is not a “blip” it’s been too long and I know things won’t change. I don’t want to throw away good relationship because of sex, but it’s becoming a bigger problem. I’m young and just want some crazy sex is that asking too much of your partner? Am I being a bitch? I don’t know🫠 ugh!

Sex is important. Without it, the love fades (IME)
it's not selfish or bitchy to acknowledge that.

Well you have four choices really…

1. Stay in the relationship and miss out on sex and affection

2. leave the relationship and find what you are looking for elsewhere

3. ask for an open relationship

4. have a no strings attached FWB affair

It is hard hey. No easy answer.

Thanks! It’s not easy you’re right and I feel like whatever I do I will make the wrong decisions. If I leave I will regret it for sure, but I stay I won’t be 100% happy. How can you possibly make this kind of decision? 😩

He sounds like he'd be better as a friend than a partner. I'd aim to split up as amicably as possible and hopefully keep a friendship out of it.

Life is too short to settle for that.

I’ve been single for years and thought sex was a bit over rated. Then I started dating an ex colleague a couple of months ago and we are having the best time sexually and now I think totally different about it. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone without sex. To me it’s what makes that relationship different to a friendship. Especially if not even cuddling / stroking etc. I like that too, and kissing. Without those things he would be the same as my close friends. Fact is he’s not prepared to do anything about it either despite you asking. The frustration will just get worse. I think you need to speak to him again if you want to stay in the relationship and tell him how a sexual relationship is important to you.

When you say ‘a lot older’, how old are you both?

He has tried viagra, tbh it didn’t do much and he does like it, I can understand as it’s so bad for you

He doesn't need viagra to show you affection. To hold & hug you, to make you feel loved & wanted.

What is his excuse for withholding affection from you?

OP, sex is important to you and to most people. Affection is important too. You’re missing out on both. He’s a lot older than you, so you may be a carer for an old man when you’re still in your healthy active 50s. Is this what you want for your life?

For me sex isn't important at all, but when it is important it becomes a vital feature of one's happiness in life. You're not over exaggerating or being a bitch to prioritise this. We all need to know what makes a good relationship for us. I usual think along the lines of ethics and values such as religion, politics, veganism, children, lifestyle, etc., and sex is another important measure of compatibility.

I was in your position, and I stayed. Ended up getting married and very luckily having 2 children. Not had sex for 3 years now and only mid thirties.

It's soul destroying tbh.

I thought it was, like you said, 'a blip' and after this event, that stress, that phase etc we would get back into the swing of things.

Now I can't leave as I'm tied in financially and have no other support, I'd literally be in homeless shelters if I left.

I can't justify putting my children through that for the sake of a sexless marriage.

It's bothered you enough that you have been stewing over it and and you have made a post as you are in two minds about it. Leave before you're tied in further and it becomes your life.

we have our ups and downs of course this is always a red flag in a post to me. It's not a given that relationships have downs, you shouldn't expect that a normal relationship ever makes you feel bad.

Same thing happened with me and I ended up in a sexless marriage. Mind you, it was lack of attraction (me towards him) in our case but he was never particularly sexual. Didn’t have a clue what he was doing really.

I ended up living with it and my head was turned my someone else in my 40’s which led to a long affair. I woke up tbh and ended my marriage which was sucking the soul from me.

He was also older (by 10 years) so we were mismatched a bit anyway.

Sex, affection and intimacy are very important in a marriage. I know that now.

Do not stay in this situation as you will regret it further down the line.

You see, this is what I think too! You also often see MN posters say ‘we argue just like everyone does’. No, not all relationships have arguments and downs. A good relationship is steady and honest, with problems handled as a team.

Rant over. OP, sadly I think you are flogging s dead horse here. Low sex drive is fine if both partners have it. Lack of affection is not fine.

Thank you for sharing, this must be difficult for you. I hope you still have a lovely relationship with your husband at lest❤️