6 months post separation

[PuzzleBox]

This is a very long story but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. Together for 16 years, although the last 3 or so were pretty much already over, we still lived together but slept in separate beds. I finally got up the courage and strength to leave (guilt and shame and the fruitless hope for a happy family kept me there far too long) six months ago and to begin with I was fine, a bit shaken, but I thought I'd done all my crying and already got over the fact that the relationship was dead, years ago. Christmas was predictably awful (first time single) although a lovely friend invited me to hers and tried to make it nice for us. Since then I've just felt utterly bereft and gutted. I'm crying all the time. Not seeing my (teenage) kids as much as I'd like, as they just want to be at dad's (I'm the one who left). It's all just tearing me apart. Please, someone tell me this is just a phase and I'll get past it eventually :)

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't tell you how things change as I'm only just out the house and on my own for the past 2 months. I'm happier in myself but I totally get how you feel about not seeing the kids as much. It's truly heartbreaking. I really hope it gets easier. I'm sure things will settle, mine are much younger but my eldest prefers Dad's (he has the gaming console!). It's so very hard. Hopefully in time they will see everything from a different perspective. You've done the right thing. I hope you find your peace and happiness, you deserve it x

It does get easier, but it takes time.
You’re likely to experience sadness on and off for a while, especially at times like christmas, birthdays, when you go to places significant to you both or do things you would have done with him.
I made the choice to leave too. Its nearly 2 years since he moved out. (Nearly 3 since We first started talking abbot the split) Christmas was soooo much eaiser this year, but there are still moments that catch me out. Not because I miss HIM, but the family we were, the life we had, the life we built.

16 years is a LONG time.

Be kind to yourself, and let yourself have those times of sadness and grief…its totally normal and healthy. You’ll absolutely recover, and those sad times will become fewer in time. But its not a fast process for most that I know.

I think its harder with kids (teens here too) because you can’t sever ties in the same way and so its in your face more.

The kids will leave home and make their own way in life soon enough. It takes time to recover from this but time is the healer.

@PuzzleBox it's really tough sadly.
My STBXH moved out last April, I started dating a new man in the summer and then we sold our family home in November. New man also dumped me in November.

I can honestly say that the reality of my H leaving has only hit me since November. In fact I've never felt like this in my life, I am seriously struggling with life and am in a very bad place.
H got keys to his new house at the weekend and it has floored me. I don't know if/when it will get easier 😞. You're not on your own x

Not on your own.
Things can be "could be worse" but simultaneously "really quite sad" and also "better for the split". Lots of conflicting stuff.

@Pumpmonkey has it on the button. This was never the plan. I have 20 years, not bad years but certainly not always good ones...

@Whynowffs Horrible experience, I am reluctant to get involved with anyone. totally get why you have put yourself out there though. It will get better. Sh;t at the time.

Definitely lots of conflicting feelings and thoughts.

Regarding this never being part of the plan, I've discussed this exact thing at counselling today. We'd been together 21 years from age 20 so I feel I know of nothing else before him. I am completely lost and frightened beyond words.

Met new guy by chance through friends. He was a massive distraction and then the bastard dumped me and has made everything a million times worse. I certainly won't be making that mistake again until I've well and truly healed from all of this (if ever) .

Thanks everyone for your kind words and reassurances. Sorry to hear you're all struggling too, but it does help to know I'm not alone. Got both kiddos here tonight so feeling a little better but I know it'll be up and down for a while :)

Just fell on this thread and wondering whether any of the PP can provide me with any reassurances that this does get better? It’s been nearly 10 weeks now since H left, it’s definitely over for him, I would have worked at it. I’m getting worse rather than better, will this ever end?

It gets worse before it gets better as it's still early for you. But in all honesty probably atleast a year of feeling like crap but give it a few more months and things do start getting better little by little and by this time next year you will feel different to how you do now.

Healing isn't a negative thing it's what you need to do so you can move on with your life in every sense of it

Get some exercise, join a class, make some friends, confide in the friends you do, self care, eat well, treat yourself , change your routine, get your hair done or nails or both by something you feel good in and light some candles tonight a glass of wine and watch a comedy movie.

Take care of you and everything else will fall into place. It is so hard but this is a new beginning

It definitely does get better. I'm now coming up to a year and feeling so much better. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I spent the best part of 4 months in a hole but there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm looking forward to the next chapter now. Good luck to you ❤️