How to initiate difficult conversations

[DIYing]

If I ignore a lot of things we can rub along fine - but I have a lot of resentment and it’s boiling over. I want to initiate a conversation when I’m not angry or overly emotional in the moment, but outlines my feelings.

Communication isn’t our strong point. There’s often misunderstandings in our tone towards each other than can quickly escalate to someone being put out. I just know however calmly I approach this, don’t accuse and talk about “this is how I feel”, he will either do the ‘it’s not that bad speech’ or be evasive and ignore it because he thinks it’ll just go away. What I have to say will be a slight to him on what he is/isn’t doing.

How do those who are good communicators initiate these conversations? It’s almost funny because I’m such a strong communicator at work, but our personalities and shared history have us in this rut of how we talk with one another.

I saved this a few weeks ago from Instagram

I would put it in writing and give it to him at a time when I could go off for few hours.

I've found the most successful way for me to address issues like this is to write a letter (in actual fact an email). It may sound weird but it allows you to really think about your words, to get all your thoughts down and lay out your issues/concerns etc in a logical, rational way. You can write it and review it over a few days until you think it really covers everything you want to say, and in the way you want to say it.

There is also no opportunity for the other person to interrupt or tempers to rise before you've had a chance to say everything you wanted to say.

I would then wait for a moment when my partner was not busy and tell them I've sent them an email which I'd like them to read and for us to discuss.

I would say I've had a 100% success rate with this approach. It's always had the desired impact and response.

This is us !!
I hate it when I have something to discuss with him, as I know he will either say
” we will do it next week, never happens!)
” nothing wrong with what we have,+++years old”
” you always want to change something “
on and on

like today, I saw a really good set of furniture on Facebook at an excellent price
i show it him, he looks round the room, I said not this room the back room.
He turns round and said “ your gonna get it anyway”
I then said to him, “ why do I feel I have to tip toe around you if I see anything new for the house “
for context
were partners, been together 22 years
no mortgage 50/50
I’ve bought lots of things myself because he’s not agreed with it, which I dont think I should when he also gets the benefits off it.
ie. Bedding, plants, paint, decorator, cushions

we desperately need carpets upstairs, I’m talking 22 years since we moved in !!
I loathe them, there disgusting
kitchen is desperately in need off redoing

i need to bring things up !!!!
But I also know it will end argument!!

Takes two to tango. That you’re a good communicator at work speaks volumes.

Can you have a discussion about how the lack of communication makes you feel?

Same here. I got sick of looking like I had no bloody taste because he refused to ever update the house. I just spent my own money on it in the end. It is for me, really. It matters to me not him. Same with holidays. I just book them now. If I didn't, we'd never have got further than those dismal, rank smelling cottages in wales he used ot book which have put me off Wales for life. Since I took over, we've visited Italy, Hungary, Slovenia, Iceland, Japan, USA...

OP, also same here. I find there are a few ways to do this, depending on the personality type but also the topic of conversation.

I do sometimes say: well this is a horrible conversation to have and of course we'll both feel a bit shit and defensive but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have it because it's an issue that keeps cropping up and unless we tackle it, even though it is tough, it won't go away and we will never feel any better about it.

There's a technique you can try - it's clunky to start with but it does work;

Person A : I think/feel XXX
Person B : OK. I heard you say XXX and I take that to mean YYY, is that correct?
Person A : Either yes, that's what I meant or no, what I meant to say was XXX

And so on.

When we communicate we take an idea/thought/wish from our mind, filter it at lightening speed through our own lived experiences and then try to put it into words, which might be completely different to to what we meant to say.

It then hits the other persons ears, filters through their lived experiences and then is translated by their mind - it's no wonder a simple conversation can be misunderstood within seconds...

Thanks all - some good suggestions of how to initiate without a rapid escalation of either misunderstanding or defensiveness and also more generally what we can do to improve communication. Will also consider an email.

Just want to say I think an email is a good way to go.

But wanted to add that it’s sometimes best not to put all your thoughts into the first email. Depending on what you want to say and/or to explain your solution, it’s sometimes better to lead him there in stages.

Think about what you are trying to achieve as well as what you want to say.

Be honest
Stay calm

Point out it's a marriage and even if you have got things wrong he should care that that is how you feel regardless and visa versa

Well I suggest you DON'T do what my husband has done which was to have an intermittent micro-sulk for nearly 24 hours, until I eventually got fed up of him answering everyday questions in a tone of voice more appropriate to use to somebody who had murdered all his family in front of him, and called him on it....

The resulting argument was shit, lasted all day (including a 4 hour flounce to the shops on his part) and I still don't feel anything is resolved to be honest. We love each other (I hope/believe) but are not good at difficult discussion. We ARE better than we used to be when we had them drunk tho (both recovering) - also don't do that!

Writing an email is good - a previous partner and I used to do that and it did help, even if you read it out to the person while they listen. I think current husband would find this strange tho.....

I had a massive communication issue with my ex. Largely as he was such a sulker and when angry he would blank me for days / weeks (once 6wks). So I often bottled things up, then I’d blow up at him after a drink. We got to the point we could only communicate via email / letter. We split up in the end and even now if things happen that we need to talk about it’s often done via email.
I’m in early stages of a new relationship and we are both open communicators so I’m determined we won’t fall into the trap of only communicating via email / message. Hopefully the fact he’s not a sulker will help and we can talk things through. No arguments as yet, so will see

I would definitely not do this as written can always be taken the wrong way, definitely better to have a conversation

I think if your communication is so bad that you have to email someone then you should try counselling or even have a mutual friend mediate. My suggestion is to start out from a place of positivity and maybe set out some ground rules eg let the person finish and understand its coming from a place of love or whatever. If you do choose to write something, please, please get multiple people to read it first and give you feedback. Even then it could still backfire.

Can you give a little example of something that you might want to be saying?