My poor dd and historical abuse

[ThisIsntDanicaBritannica]

Just before Christmas I managed to get dd(16) to open up to me that she had been smoking, smoking weed, vaping and using ketamine recreationally. We have a good relationship and she was surprised how well I handled it - believe me I wanted to totally lose my shit but I know dd and that wouldn’t help. I asked her if there was anything else and she disclosed historical abuse from when she was 7 years old. The bastards who did this to her live very, very close to us, and their vile family is embedded in the local area. Everyone knows them, they are equal parts feared and despised.

Some of her abusers were teens in this particular family, some of them were her age. Huge red flags for generational abuse in the family in question.

My heart is breaking for her. She’s carried this all alone for nearly 10 years. She’s always been very sensitive, and has appeared quite depressed with low self esteem- now I know why. My poor baby. And I couldn’t protect her.

I know she’s relieved that she’s told me, I also know that saying the words out loud has finally made it ‘real’ - and that’s really hard for her. She’s barely able to function, missing college, which I know she loves. Hardly eating, sleeping or looking after herself. I’m doing my best to take care of her. Arranging emergency trauma therapy in the next few days.

To make it even worse, the family of these shits are well known for their campaigns of terror. If any of them suspect she has told anyone, they will hound her, put our windows through, god knows. The police know them by name, one of them is usually banged up at any given time. I will keep my mouth shut and not react at all when I see one of them, which is several times per week. I have to be calm and controlled, to protect my daughter.

My Dh, dd’s Dad, would be heartbroken and I’ve no doubt he would try, but would not be able to resist punching one of their lights out, and that would instantly put dd at risk of harm from their entire family. I can’t keep her safe then.

So I’ve decided, and believe me I feel shit about it, that he is not going to know until we can move house and get dd safely away from here. It’s shit. He adores dd. I’ve stressed to her that we are not keeping this from him because she is in any way at fault - she has done nothing wrong. I don’t want my decision to burden her further. But I have to put her first.

Can’t tell anyone in real life. I’m discussing it in broad terms with dd’s college, with her agreement, so they can support dd. I’m hoping she will be able to manage half days, but I just don’t know. College seems almost trivial now, as does vaping!

Got to tackle one thing at a time. She’s not hanging out with the kids she was doing ketamine with anymore. She said it helped her feel numb - can’t blame her for wanting that.

Not asking anything, just yelling into the either.

Thank you for getting through that lengthy tome.

I have no useful advice, but I just wanted to say it sounds like you’ve got a sensible plan in place, I hope you’re able to find somewhere nice to live for you and
your DD to move past this and for her to thrive.

I would be looking at how quick you can move even if it's a smaller property not suitable but just away for you own your house is it if so is it possible to rent somewhere in the mean time

So sorry to hear this.
I work in this field and I would strongly advise that you tell the police. This could be happening to other children and the people are still getting away with it. Also, if the college know, they will have a duty of care to share with social services or the police.
Please seek support/counselling for your daughter . x

I would move first, then report to the police. A few weeks/months is unlikely to make a huge difference to any outcomes other than the possibility of your daughter being hounded by the family if they know where you live.

I just want to say what a positive thing it is that your DD has told you and that you're supporting her and arranging therapy for her. My mum was abused at a similar age and never had access to meaningful support or counselling, and it's overshadowed every area of her life in ways that I don't think she's even aware of but that I can see now as an adult, looking back on my childhood. I'm trying not to pass the unhealthy messages she gave me (through no fault of her own) on to my own children but it's so hard to break the cycle. I hope your DD finds hope and healing eventually.

Well done for holding it all together. I’d do exactly what you are doing - move first and get DD more stable, settled in a new college etc

Id also think long and hard about reporting it to the police. I’d weight up the chances of the CPS / procurator fiscal pressing charges and then of getting a conviction . Then I’d think about the damage the process would do to your Dd and the very high risk if witness intimidation or worse.

I've also got a background in this area and wouldn't rush to the police.
Giving statements can be really distressing and the process is long with no guarantee of a successful outcome.

I would get settled somewhere she feels safe, sort out specialist therapy and then contact the police. The NSPCC traditionally has had therapy in this area but it does far less nowadays.
The college should hopefully have links for you.

I think it's important that you report her disclosure to the police ASAP.. .surely they will be able to refrain from revealing details during any investigation or arrest which may pinpoint your DD as the victim, and are used to doing so? And any court case wouldn't be for ages so surely long after you have moved.There could be children like your DD was at risk of or already being abused right now.
And I really do feel your DH has a right to know as well...this is concerning his child.If the boot was on the other foot and she had told him, would you want to know?
So sorry your poor child went through that at such a young age :(

Thank-you every one who ready my OP fully and understood where I am coming from.
Dd is my first priority - I would love to be able to get the lot of them banged up to safeguard other children - but I cannot do that by putting my own dd in immediate danger. We are talking a whole family with criminal connections, access to firearms and a nasty disposition. They back each orher up and look after there own. As soon as we are away and safe I will discuss with dd what we can do. Honestly I have no concrete evidence there is ongoing abuse. It's not my job to safeguard everyone else's kids by sacrificing my own.
It's absolute cloud cuckoo land to think I can just go to the police and sit in my house and all will be fine and dandy. It really won't. We won't be safe.
And yes dh should know - but telling him puts dd at risk. I will tell him when i can protect dd. He will be upset, he will be angry at me, but he's a good man with a big heart and he will understand my reasons.

Even if OP reports this to the police and there was enough evidence to find the perpetrators guilty, the outcome would quite likely be disappointing. If the perpetrators were children and teenagers at the time then that will affect the sentences - basically I’m not sure there would be much in the way of punishment. And if the family are already on police and social services’ radar then this may not make an enormous difference to the status quo, other than distressing OP’s dd further.
Maybe try a rape crisis centre for advice OP, they would be used to advising survivors on likely outcomes and procedures if they make a report to police.

Don't put your family at risk. I'd move away from the area completely I think

The people “urging” / guilt tripping OP to go to the police aren’t the ones whose family will be facing the wrath of a gang of abusive chavs. You’re literally trying to inflict even more trauma into OP’s DD as they will come after her, which OP has already talked about. Conviction rates for CSA are absolutely abysmal so stop behaving as though these people would be dealt with. OP should only think about that when her daughter has moved and is safely away from these people.

I just want to say I’m so sorry that you are going through this, you must be absolutely heartbroken. No parent ever wants to hear anything like that. Absolute bastards… there’s no polite way of putting it. I hope you and your daughter get the support you need ❤️

I completely understand why you won't go to the police at this time, until Dd is somewhere safe. I don't think a lot of people have any knowledge or experience of people like the family who did this.
But how are you going to get Dh to move without telling him?
I wish you all the luck and safety for your family.

Thank you all so much. I feel less alone now.

Dh would move now if we were able - I love our house but despise 50% of the people around us, as does he!

I’m so angry about this, OP. Of course you should be able to go to the police and get the perpetrators convicted.

But you are very wise not to try. There is no justice. Your family would be victimised. I hate that fact.

You are right to protect DD. She is lucky to have you looking after her. I hope you can all escape to somewhere better soon.

OP — reading your posts one thing is clear, you’re a solid support to your daughter and you can help her through this. Also stick to your guns about protecting her from these vile animals if it means keeping things watertight for now. Trust your instincts.

Seriously? I would strongly advise not telling the police. There is bugger all chance of a successful prosecution and every chance of horrific repercussions for the ops daughter. It's not dds responsibility to safeguard other prospective victims.

So sorry op & for your lovely daughter, she is strong & brave for carrying this for so long it must be such a relief & comfort to her to finally confide in you. Unfortunately I know families like you say are responsible for the abuse & understand your not wanting to involve the police, I don't blame you. I would want to move many, many miles away before I reported. It's a terrible reflection of the criminal justice system in this country & the safeguarding of children. Sending unmumsnetty hugs. 💐💐

You're doing the right thing looking out for your DD. All well and good telling the police, but we know the justice system and it does NOT protect victims especially from families such as this.

When can you move? Far far away I hope

Update - dd wanted a break from her trauma therapy, she spiraled, but she's back at it now and seems relieved after her first fresh session yesterday.
Talking with her she doesn't want to move in the near future, which is good as it's not possible, she feels safe actually at home, but obviously not locally. It helps that we have a very loving loyal dog who would happily eat anyone who tried to get in and even try to raise their voice at us, dd nows this.
College is going badly. Dd barely functioning. I've cleaned her room for her (I don't see how she can do her homework in a biohazard). Found lots of self harm stuff, blades etc, and I think she may have been having nightmares and wetting the bed (fortunately we have waterproof toppers!) Just reassured her that 1) I get it and 2) I love her, no matter what. And I just keep repeating it.

Seeing her suffer makes me realise the things I would be capable of doing to her abusers. You'd never think it to look at me. I'm a peace and love type with a huge collection of crystal jewellery!