I'm in a bit of a mess about my 'marriage'- some advice needed

[huggymummy]

Have changed my name yet again.

From the time we had a miscarriage we seemed to drift apart. I ended up giving up a well paid job to avoid IVF (dh fertility problems) we were recommended. It worked.

DS almost two but it's brought out all the problems we had in our 15 year relationship.Namely his priorities. Always has ans still continues to be his mum and sister overseas and he's (or I've allowed him to make) this home a little embassy of where he's from. We're from startlingly different background and have very different apirations for our ds (his aspirations are driven by his mum).

I've done so much for his family to the point I don't know who I am any more. When ds born dh couldb't wait to get mil over she became a horrbile monster (I posted lots of that a the time) - my milk dried up, ds stopped sleeping completely at 4 weeks. DH gave her the platform. And I was bullied for almost 4 weeks.

We haven't recovered yet but again I've agreed to go out and see his dying dad (dying for the last 7 years and ds doesn't even talk to him) and bring mil back (won't fly alone) on a open ticket. Last time DH kept threatening that if I didn't like things I should 'feck off' but ds stays with them (who's them).

I'm now so scared of visit. DH and I barely talking. He can't fully support us so I've taken on shit job to help (I gave up well paid work to try and have ds - but almost 3 years out of job market hasn't done me much good) - I do everything.

He won't consider relate (I even posted about the miscarriage counselling he refused to attend with me).

Have we gone too far down that road?

I'm so scared as dh is an overseas national (ds british) (when I started afore mentioned shit job he thanked me by announcing he was taking ds to his country for 10 days - I fought tooth and nail to stop him) and all the risks that entails.
He hasn't got a civil word for me and tbh what kind of man hisses to his wife who's had major surgery and after ironing his shirts asks him to put them in his cupboard 'I'm tired and I work hard' (mils words).

Help me see clearly, please.

I think you know the answer. Is there anything good left - anything worth fighting for? It really doesn't sound like it tbh. If I was in your situation I'd get myself a solicitor and make a plan to divorce as quickly as possible.

yes but make sure you have your ds passport in your possession as it sounds like their could be an abduction risk?

Don't do anything before you get some very good legal advice and make thorough plans. He doesn't sound like he's prepared to compromise at all for you, everything sounds like it revolves around himself and his family. Agree with CarGirl about the passport. Do you have family or friends who can help and support you at all?

TBH it might be hot air - but it drains me. Plus they are from very different backgrounds.

I wish we could make the relationship better. I take full responsibility for letting it get this far and not putting my foot down constantly earlier.

The thought of going through all that to have a child and then stupid parents mucking it all up.

I've told him a million times his family are important but he needs to prioritise better. It never happens.

What's worse is that I've met someone at work. Nothing will happen (like I have the time!) but it has got me thinking that my relation is much much worse than I thought.

dh is essentially a good man - hard working etc - but his family needs dominate and he is easily manipulated. Also he comes from a society infamous for its mums.

Should I just pay for comprehensive legal advice including nationality issues and sit on it till I need it.

Feel lonely and bit desperate.

When are you due to go, I hope its not too soon ?

Agree with the others, it sounds like you have lost all your trust and there is nothing left to salvage. You have a job and you have a wonderful DS hang on to both of those and build yourself an escape route.

Get the legal advice, as much as you can. Because having the information will help you feel as though you have options, whatever happens with your DH. Do you have friends who can support you and cheer you up? MN is good but there are times when RL is better. Best of luck.

How "good" is your DH if you are frightened that he is going to take your DS away. To be blunt, it looks as if at some stage in the future your DS maybe left with one parent, please take all the advice and precautions you need to make sure you are that parent.

Job would have to go. We live in a flat - I would need to go and live with my mum outside London (fine).

How nasty does divorce get and the impact on ds.

We are going there at Easter. DH and hardly speak but then out of the blue he gets me a watch. Following week it's about feeling sorry for his dying dad (so sorry they never speak) and taking ds out there and bringing mil back to help care for dh when his has a very small local anastheic op on his mouth!!!! This is about making his mum happy and that's it.

What makes me so mad is that I don't bring up what they were like last time but MIL goes round being the big victim and it hasbeen suggested to me that I 'behave' this time. WTF.

Divorce is a big word - and scary.

Yes get legal advice huggymummy - but don't sit on it too long. If you've asked DH to attend counselling before and he refused there isn't much point putting your happiness on hold for any longer. Get out whilst DS young enough to adapt quickly.Does DH appreciate how sad all this has made you? Does he care at all? Remember it was worth it even if it needs to end, as you both have DS, even if you don''t stay together. Have you a close friend or relative who can give you RL support?

Also, I NEVER do this but

(((hug)))

I'm sorry huggymummy what do I know, I don't know anything about divorce or other peoples marriages. It's just your post sounded so sad, it seems a shame for you to live with the constant fear of potentially losing your DS.I'm sure someone will come with good advice for you.

OR (from your last post) have you considered just not playing DH's / ILs game any more? Be totally bluddy assertive monster mummy woman - don't let any unreasonable behaviour past you - stand up to everything and insist on protecting your own and DS's interests whether at the expense of theirs or not!! Could you do it?

I do have some idea of how you feel. DH was totally dominated by MIL and SIL (both spiteful bitches TBH)
We are also different cultures but I will not allow him to force any of his culture on me that I am not comfortable with (or vice versa)

To cut a long story short MIL dies 2 years ago, didn't attend our wedding and whole family to scared of her to tell her that we had a child

I am certain that had she not dies she would have continued to have a hold and be spiteful.
I guess i am trying to say that if things have not changed by now then they probably never will, even if they did how long are you prepared to wait?
You don't sound like you feel respected or prioritised.
Do you still love him? How much are you willing to compromise to be with him? Do you think you would be happier on your own?

Sparketastic - thanks so much.

Rookie - I'm OK - a trooper - not even much of a victim - more of a failure!

What is the situation with regard to the country that DH has a passport from? Do they comply with UK law on residency of children? If DH was to pull a fast one, would the country in question repatriate the child to the UK?

I think that is a crucial question to answer. If the answer is 'no' or 'not sure' then I would make sure you put DS's passport in a bank vault and head for a refuge and never tell DH or his family where you are.

i think you need to decide..... are you trying to make a go of the marriage .... or not. once you decide that the rest follows. if you are not then... get legal advice asap. don't agree to leaving uk with ds (or ds going out of uk without you) or to mil taking up residence, put your foot down and stand up for what you think is best for ds and for you. sounds like crunch time to me. good luck.

Gosh - Pedilia I have nightmare SIL as well.

Could repatriate child but also there is a chance dh could get ds a passport from that country over my head then repatriation from their point of view is uncessary.

It would only come to that if dh really pushed - so I'm treading carefully. Ideally get marriage back not a perfect but even keel. If not then if we have to part we have to part.

I have a wonderfully supportive mum and good friends but don't want to burden them with the same old same old until I actually do something.

I may have a go at being the dominating mother (I'm no wallflower!).

In a way it's good that MIL is coming as it may finally force (dh and I complete cowards) a solution. This is Easter. So no excuse not to get comprehensive advice to cover every scenario so I know what to do.

Thanks so much I feel better already, Ithink controlfreaky is right. I DO know what I should do - just too much of a coward. But possibly now stronger - dh isn't happy with me - I must make him so miserable too.

Thanks again.

hope you get things sorted xx

oh hm, is v easy to post so boldly.... it must be v hardv to negotiate these things in rl. good luck whatever you decide.

I can only think of one solution really. It doesn't sound as if your DH has any intention of taking your opinions or feelings into consideration and saying that your DS stays with "them" is a threat. He is bullying you and that is emotional abuse. Is there anyone is RL you can talk to about the situation?

I really feel for you and if I was in your position I would have to think seriously about leaving, however, it is your life and your decision.

Good luck and lots of hugs!

I think you should be asking yourself if this is the way you would treat a DIL or want your DS to treat his wife, rather than the 'how would a messy divorce effect my DS'. Having a unhappy mum will be much worse for him.

How he is behaving is threatening, anyone saying you won't have your child is threating and is abuse.

If it was me and DP put his mother before our kiddo's I would leave for sure. Kids need their mums and he of all people should know this!

It's hard for me to read your threads because you feel you have to tread carefully and you don't stand up for yourself. You worry what he may do, you don't trust himrightfully so. He is in cahoots with his momappears that they are the tight couple and you are someone that they are wary of, and they intend to keep you in line. Behave? Indeed!

His first loyalty should be to you. It isn't. MIL can see and sense (and is likely told) the advesarial attitude of you and DH and can gleefully jump right in and be a bitch to you as she can get away with it.

I wish you would DO something. You need to know what your rights are and decide if you want to stay in a victim role.

"I may have a go at being the dominating mother (I'm no wallflower!)."

Why not try this? Be as domineering as his mother, and he may actually like it and respond positively. Men with strong mothers usually go for strong women too.

Start by telling him exactly what you are not happy with and wont tolerate any longer, see what he says.

agree with 1sue1, if mothers are strong and to be respected in his culture then he should apply that to your status as ds's mother.

take some of his mother's behaviours in relation to her son (your ds) and apply them to your son.

in his culture how do the fathers behave?

not saying this is an ideal solution and doesn't really sound like it's in your nature to behave like this but he needs to regain some respect for you and this may be a way to gain that?

good luck, hope things work out.

wrt to the MIL coming over, would really bite the bullet and set out a few key ground rules as soon as she arrives. print and laminate if necessary!

sorry "her son (your dh)"

I can't see what you are getting out of this marriage. Does he love you? Does it feel like he does?