Hopefully someone can relate and sorry it is abit long. Thankyou for helping.
Split from dh last year, always been wreckless with money, lied every month about what he earnt, in the early years when the children were babies he would sleep in bed at the weekend til 2/3pm. I was quite lonely, hate saying this but he would smoke abit of weed but I did not want to know about it and made him go for a walk so it was not near the kids. He was manipulative aswel with his lies and complained of me being unloving and unnaffectionate but it was because of the lying I turned cold, he tells me how controlling I was with money and I admittedly am ashamed that I was because I was so anxious of hoe skint we were! He gambled and eventually blew 30k inheritance we got for a house deposit. Gave him so many warnings and warned if he did that I would divorce him so of course he frazzled it and we split, he TRIED so hard to be better always feeling like he couldn't live upto my expectations. I also left because I did not want to micro manage him for my sake or for his, what life is that!
On the other hand we still had a spark, he made me laugh so much, we loved eachother, didn't cheat and had this huuge attachment to being with him since 20yrs old, for 12yrs, he adores the kids and fancied me, tried to help abit more round the house etc he was devastated about the deposit, was ill and crying, he was a mess.
So when women leave I hear they are happy to be rid of them etc and slag them off but I blame myself too I didn't like who I became to him, but I never wanted my marriage to end, I had to end it out of self respect and getting nowhere in life, he provided me with no security BUT i cannot gain clarity, i know I will not get back with him and I am not pining as such. I can see all the stuff he has done but can't get it to affect me! He struggles to pay maintenance, same old shit as when I was with him. I should be using this as ammunition and to gain clarity but I barely feel anything and I feel guilty to the kids that we are not a family of 4, I don't know what the thoughts in their heads must feel like although I am so strong to them so they do not suffer.
Has anybody had to leave when they didn't want to? The brain turmoil is really confusing! I was ok and now I have gone backwards and feel like I love him loads again!