A relationship in your 40s

[anthurium]

After many failed relationships I managed to have a much longed for child via a sperm donor, but now I'm struggling to see how I'd ever integrate a romantic relationship in my life. I have no desire to cohabit/blend families/marry. I spent over 20 years dating in various guises and now I feel sort of disillusioned with the whole "partner" idea? but am still open to meeting someone for "me" rather than to be "escalating" a relationship in a particular direction.

How have others managed it and kept their children separate to their dating/romantic pursuits, and still developed something emotionally meaningful with someone at this later stage in life?

I can’t speak from experience, however I noticed no one had replied.

A lot of people have children and still find love, and I imagine when that happens the desire to keep children and ‘partners’ separate fades away because if it’s ‘right’ maybe you’ll want to share all of your life, not just sections of it.

I'm divorced, in my late 40s, and have children half time. Mostly I have my relationship time when I'm child free, but we do see and spend time with each others kids too. Not sure what the future looks like.

I know a couple of people who were divorced/widowed when their kids were little and, after some years alone, later found very settled and happy love when their kids were late teens. I think it must be much easier to date when the children are teens/more self-sufficient and to set up as a couple when the children are about to or have already left home?

Meet people
get a feel
and get a decent babysitter you can rely on

so many other single parents in the same boat

I think you would have to have to have lots of childcare to make this work. I find people want no involvement with your children (works for me as I have 50/50 shared care with my ex) or they want to meet your kids and become a proper part of your whole life.

Hi Op

I think having a awareness board display idea would be beneficial,

Such as purchasing for e.g a coakboard and putting a display of cuttings from magazines ect on display that symbolise about goals ect want to achieve,

Obviously put images /photos ect of things that symbolise what you like to have personally in life, such as Swans mate for life ect, depends what you seeking
The idea being its all too easy to get bogged down in life with distraction in various ways and get side tracked ,
A display board keeps you on track as it's so visual aspect of this, by putting it somewhere that will catch you often,

It keeps you focused ec on your goals ect

My question is why would you want to?

What does a relationship offer you?

@Goodread1

on first glance I read that as Cockboard 🤣

Think I'd want to keep this hidden from someone I'd just started dating!

(Also, it's etc. not ect.)

It’s hard. I waited over 10yrs after split as my ex was working overseas and no babysitter for my kids. They are now 14 & 18 and don’t need a babysitter so I’ve been dating again. However, my new bf is a single dad with much younger kids so often can’t get out. I thought I’d be fine with that as I have a busy life but it’s really tough. I spend all the time thinking about him, then enjoying every second of seeing him, then wondering when I can see him again. My life has become more complicated, but also nicer. I don’t want to wish I didn’t get involved with this guy as he’s the only guy ive been interested in and I do genuinely really like him, just finding it tough he’s not got much time

Ours works I think because it's not so much dates as these days of the week I'll be at your house, so our schedules are set mostly.

Hi @anthurium i do think about this too, i'm also in my 40's and have a baby. Thanks for raising this, the comments have really made me feel positive xx

You can design the type of relationship that works for you.

I am in my 40s, no children, I own my own house and any relationship has to be with someone who also has their own place. I don't want to move anyone into my home or move into anyone's home. That's my prerogative and condition to any relationship.

There are many options for relationshiops nowadays, not just the "move in together and share everything forever and ever" type.

Some people have "living apart together" relationships.

I guess mine would probably fit that description. After my divorce, I've never wanted a live in partner - I didn't have great experiences of stepfathers growing up, and haven't wanted that for my kids. Also, I like being independent and not accountable to anyone but myself (while my bf has claims on my fidelity & time, and helps me with things, & vice versa, we very much live our own lives). I like dating and the fun parts, and not washing his socks.

It suits us right now. I can't see me wanting to take further steps up the relationship escalator.

So yeah, it's possible to find people who want different things than the conventional meet date move in. Men tend to get more out of living together than women do.

Is this on the right thread?

Well you either lead a double life or you accept that at some point your romantic interest and your child are going to have some contact with one another.

I have no desire to cohabit/blend families/marry
There are plenty of men out there, especially around your age, who would be very happy with a relationship on this basis. Most people on MN would say a bloke with those requirements isn't relationship material though...

And in your circumstances as a solo parent, do you have any time for dating and a relationship? Especially if you want to keep your child and your partner separate forever. You might be better to look for a friend with benefits type arrangement?

Well you either lead a double life or you accept that at some point your romantic interest and your child are going to have some contact with one another.
It's not really a double life. My kids are aware of my boyfriend and have met him, but it's been clear that there's no worry about him moving in or him taking any kind of parental role.

Most people on MN would say a bloke with those requirements isn't relationship material though...
Generally they're considered not suitable for relationships because they don't want the relationship escalator but the woman does. If you're on the same page, not a problem.