Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He told me he will always be jealous over his ex...

28 replies

hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 12:47

I've been dating a guy for 6 months, he has a young child with someone he wasnt in a relationship with. I think they tried to work it out but anyway they have been friendly.

Recently they had an argument which i was around for. I felt quite uncomfortable being around this, and was planning on leaving, they were on the phone i heard her say are you always going to be this jealous? He then tried to calm the call down because i was hovering around. We had a what i think was an honest conversation. He said the way he feels is quite complicated. He is worried about her moving on to another man and having this man around his child. He then admitted he is still jealous over her, he said he is over her but recently he has wanted to know what she was doing, with who etc. He has been a complete gentleman and has told me wants her to be happy and for them to be friends. He is working on these issues so they can get along.

How big of a red flag is this?

OP posts:
BlueBooh · 09/01/2023 12:50

🏃‍♀️

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/01/2023 12:50

I guess it's natural not to want another man around his child but this sentence would have me running for the hills He then admitted he is still jealous over her, he said he is over her but recently he has wanted to know what she was doing, with who etc.

Throw this one back OP

Original poster
hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 12:54

I guess as I dont have a child, I dont know what its like to be broken up etc.
He stressed he doesnt quiz her etc, but he does still feel jealousy.

I feel like he is using the child as an excuse, and he actually does have feelings for her still

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 09/01/2023 12:55

It'll only be a matter of time before he starts questioning where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, when will you be home bla bla bla...Be very cautious with this one, you have seen with your own eyes that he has form for jealous and controlling attitudes.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/01/2023 12:55

So he had a child with someone he wasn't in a relationship with but is jealous over her. Methinks he may not be telling you the whole truth

mycatsanutter · 09/01/2023 12:57

He has admitted he has feelings for someone else , end it . Why should you hang around waiting for his feelings for her to dissolve ? you are worth more than that.

Fuckstix · 09/01/2023 12:58

Cut your losses. He isn't ready to be dating if he's jealous about his ex's doings. It isn't about his kid, it's about her. He also didn't have the wit not to tell you.

stbmum · 09/01/2023 13:03

If he's feeling jealous and wanting to know who she's with it's because he sees her as his woman.

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 13:03

They were never even together. This isn't about his child. Sorry OP.

stbmum · 09/01/2023 13:05

stbmum · 09/01/2023 13:03

If he's feeling jealous and wanting to know who she's with it's because he sees her as his woman.

I was thinking of forest gump when I wrote that and "his Jenny" regardless of if they could be together she was always "his Jenny"

Sparklecrystal · 09/01/2023 13:06

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with that behaviour. I completely understand the worry about having someone new around their child but he doesn't need to be wondering about what she's doing and who she's with. To me personally it would feel as if he's not over her completely and to save yourself the heartbreak I'd distance myself. He moved on with you but she can't move on?

Just doesnt make sense to me.
Make sure to look out for yourself in this to save any hurt while it's still early days in your relationship Xx

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2023 13:07

Cut him loose immediately. You really want to deal with all of this nonsense?

Chrimbob · 09/01/2023 13:10

So it's okay for him to have a new relationship, but not her?? He sounds like he's using caring for his child as a more reasonable explanation for trying to control his ex rather than that he's just a jealous, controlling twat.

Original poster
hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 13:16

I honestly have had 0 nonsense with this guy until now which is why i feel a bit flabbergasted. This seems to have come out of nowhere, he's always seemed totally into me and recently told me he's fallen in love with me. He's never been possessive. Its so weird because he's saying he wants her to be happy and in love but then admits to being jealous? I can't quite work him out, and I don't think I want to?

OP posts:
TiredButDancing · 09/01/2023 13:19

Well, when ex-BIL had an issue with SIL spending an evening with a male friend (not a date - she's been friends with this man for years but there may or may not be some flirting etc, I don't know), he lost his shit so spectacularly while ranting about "she knows how I feel about this man how dare she go out with him" and "I don't want this man around my DS" that he landed up pushing her into another room and attempting to lock her in.

So I'd be very very nervous. At best, he's got issues and complicated feelings he hasn't processed yet.

PinkButtercups · 09/01/2023 13:19

Are they shagging? I mean all of a sudden he's become jealous. Seems odd.

Original poster
hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 13:24

I hope they're not having sex, but I agree its very weird that he can move on with me, play the boyfriend role and be in love. To being jealous, maybe he has always been jealous and this is my first chance at seeing it?

We work together so that just makes things awkward, he keeps looking over at me and I deliberately didnt take my lunch so he didnt bother me

OP posts:
bjrce · 09/01/2023 13:41

"Its very weird that he can move on with me, play the boyfriend role and be in love. To being jealous, maybe he has always been jealous and this is my first chance at seeing it
"We work together so that just makes things awkward, he keeps looking over at me and I deliberately didn't take my lunch so he didn't bother me"

That's because , sometimes it takes a while before they show themselves in their true light - to date you haven't stepped out of line, that's why he's fine with you.
He's probably looking over at you and thinking Fuck! - I've shown my true colours now and is probably shitting himself that you are going to dump. Get ready for the charm offensive!

80s · 09/01/2023 13:54

Jealous as in angry, possessive jealous - or jealous as in jealous of her for being with his child when he isn't, or having a little family of mum/child/new man?

Or something else entirely? Is he good at expressing how he's feeling? You often get women coming on here saying how weird it feels when their ex moves on, even if they now hate their ex. People normally sad it's normal. (Though she isn't his ex?)

I wouldn't be too keen about him having great long phone conversations with his ex in my presence though. Does she realise you're listening in?

80s · 09/01/2023 13:56

He says it wasn't a relationship, but has he specifically told you it was a one night stand?

Quitelikeit · 09/01/2023 14:01

Why did they break up? Who initiated it and how long were they together?

id never ever stay in a relationship with someone who was jealous of an ex partner - jealousy is all about wanting what someone else has isn’t it?

mind you men can be stupid at the best of times so you should try to clarify that is what he actually meant

Original poster
hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 14:05

He told me they were just seeing each other. She got pregnant very early on, he didnt want to be in a relationship with her but was there throughout the pregnancy. I have always had the impression there were no feelings there, he has even told me she was just sex.... So for him to be clearly upset about this is just so weird. It felt almost like he was ranting about her yesterday

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 09/01/2023 14:07

Some (not very nice) men can be weirdly possessive and controlling over how they think the mother of their children should behave/act/dress etc. This is true whether they are with the mother or not with the mother. See comments from ex-Ps about the mother of there child daring to "go to the pub" or dressing "like a whore" or such things.

It is worrying that he's coming out with this shit.

Original poster
hunkemoll · 09/01/2023 14:14

i did think that but very strange he thinks he could tell her what to wear who she's with etc. What a weirdo, i feel so sad

There was actually an occasion where she had stayed at a fancy hotel, and he turned around and said I dont believe you are on your own. I have just remembered this! I dont know why I didnt think it was weird at the time!! Why the fuck would it matter who she was with??

OP posts:
80s · 09/01/2023 14:14

Did you ask him what he meant by "jealous"? There are lots of possible interpretations. Not that he will necessarily admit it if it's a worrying one ...

Swipe left for the next trending thread