Depression or personality?!

[Edi111]

Looking for some advice about my relationship.

My husband is incredibly moody and grumpy and finds life really hard. He does have depression and lots of issues TBF but alot of it is basically his personality.

Lately he's been more of an arse than normal, he finds it really hard with our children and I know he blames me because I convinced him to have a third and we got twins! I get that they're hard but he makes so little effort especially with the younger ones.

Sometimes he makes and effort and things are good for a while but something small always triggers him, I can't tell what's personality and what's depression.

On top of that he drinks, alot, never agressive or violent he just drinks almost constantly. It can't help his moods and impacts the family as for example he can never drive in the afternoon on weekends. He says everyone has a drink and I'm being dramatic.

I've told him time and time again to cut down and that he needs to get help and he always tries for a bit then fails again and blames the depression.

I feel like I need to leave him but the practicalities seem so overwhelming...where do you start?! I have no idea what I would be entitled to. We have debts so we'd need to sell the house and pay them off and we wouldn't have much left.

Starting on my own with 4 kids is terrifying but I don't know how much longer I can take it, or am I being too hasty and I should give him more support because of the depression.

OP only you will know when you've had enough. Do you actually want to carry on trying and supporting him or do you just think that's easier than breaking up? It's worse. Do you want your children growing up in that?

That was quite powerful. I keep saying to myself the trying is the hard part but you're right, in many ways it is easier than separating.
I think I know what I need to do, it's just doing it.

Have you sat him down and told him this is the next step, make him see what he's about to throw away. If it's worth saving he will save it. My brother is exactly like this and he has lost relationships over and over because of it

I would seek legal advice from a local firm of Solicitors initially as knowledge here is also power.

Did you grow up yourself seeing a similar relationship?. Why are you and he together now?.

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression. And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You cannot protect your children from his moodiness (an example of emotional abuse) along with his alcoholism (alcohol is also a depressant) particularly whilst you are all living under the same roof. This is over or at least it should be because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children.

On top of that he drinks, alot, never aggressive or violent he just drinks almost constantly. It can't help his moods and impacts the family as for example he can never drive in the afternoon on weekends. He says everyone has a drink and I'm being dramatic.

You're not being dramatic and no, not everyone has a drink. He's using that as an excuse. Have you considered whether he may be a functioning alcoholic?

I think he is alcohol dependent certainly. He has just in this past week under threat of me leaving sought help with his alcohol and is taking steps to improve his mental health again. I've told him if nothing changes by end of next month (I don't expect the world just active trying and the moods done with) then I am selling the house and starting life on my own.

Sounds like a good plan. It’s not fair of him to behave this way and not try and change something. It sounds like you are doing mostly everything for your kids anyway andI’m sure you could access some benefits with 4 to help finances.

These threads are full of similar women constantly propping up their OH’s as well as looking after the household. It’s like they become a dependant too. I’m notunfeeling if there are mental health issues/alcohol probs but they need to try and help themselves - or what’s the alternative? Life is short so you need to embrace it and live life to the full and enjoy your kids whilst they are young. ❤️

That's very true thank you. The more honest I am with friends the more I am astonished by people who feel similar. I wonder how we get in this situation?!

Is it work stress or family stress? He obviously didn't want kids and may have felt forced into having them which isn't great.

How are your finances and does he take the full load of providing? Have you taken the burden off him in that respect?

There is a lot of talk about people helping themselves but what is the route cause of the issues? Saying someone is depressed/alcohol dependent is fine but why have they become this way?

A therapist is fine but they are expensive and may help the individual find a solution over ge medium term.

What's needed is a full and frank conversation with him. Of course, both parties may not like what they hear...

OP I'm in a very similar situation....or was. He was always on the grumpy side, some depression (but only when things weren't going his way). We had twins as a second pregnancy - I suppose a surprise as I had many many miscarriages and multiple rounds of IVF and on our final final round I had the twins. I was elated but i from the moment we knew we had a chance of bringing too living babies homes he changed, detached, didn't seem happy or engaged

Within 18 months of them being born he walked out - citing that he couldn't cope with family life and didn't want to do it anymore

I was shocked, angry, devastated for the children to a point but a few months on our lives are so much better. His resentment towards the twins for hugely changing our lives was starting to show in his short tempered parenting of them, well that's when he did parent anyway....he joined a gym when they were 6 months old and he was never around to spend time with the twins or our eldest as he was always there.

I'm fortunate that I'm the main earner so financially I haven't had that reason to keep me in the marriage - not that I could anyway - he refused to try counselling etc. 20 years ended over WhatsApp.

As tragic as it sounds ours - especially the children's - will be better without him here

This seems to be quite common. I don’t know whether it’s because of their upbringing but I certainly remember growing up where the Mums did everything for/with the kids and Dads just went to work and were mostly just in the background.

However things obviously have changed and the Mums have to work too, so they have to step up and this seems to be the issue. They simply can’t cope but the women have to and do! They want life exactly the same and go and do whatever they want whilst the women do all the hard slog.

Obviously I am generalising but it seems a common theme on here.

That’s so sad for your twins and at 18 mths old too. I wonder what you will tell them when they are adults?

@PussInBin20

Unfortunately I don't think I can ever fully tell the twins or my eldest the truth. The truth is he openly said he regretted them, resented them, that he didn't love them the same as our eldest. That truth is something that would destroy them and a burden I'll have to carry alone. I don't want eldest to ever know either as I don't want resentment to build between them and the twins blamed for their dad leaving

So I think I'll have to say that he just wasn't cut out for family life and couldn't be the father that they deserved

I honestly also believe that a lot of men are good fathers to one child but a terrible father to more than one.

I'm but I wouldn't change things for the world - I'd never trade the twins to have him back

Talk about generalisations...

There are likely lots of factors at play here.

Some really fascinating things hear and so interesting to hear of similar with your twins, I have another twin friend in similar circumstances I wonder if there is something in the unexpected nature of them that can be harder to come to terms with or something?!

Maxtalk- I think full and frank conversations are easier said than done... therapy in this instance would be talking therapy not CBT so not about finding a solution alone but understanding why.

In terms of my taking the financial burden off him at least...bit quite sure what you mean there but he is the main earner I do however also work.

My husband does show love for the children he's biggest thing is that when he gets overwhelmed or if I find things hard he'll say to me well you wanted this. It drives me insane! I've told him it's hurtful and upsetting and he promises he won't say it then he won't for ages then if something happens he'll say 'i won't say it but you know what I mean' so he may as well say it 🙄

Does he still see the children? I genuinely can't imagine a world where mine would have the children every other weekend for example

things obviously have changed and the Mums have to work too, so they have to step up and this seems to be the issue
Yes: the husband that doesn't want to do the housework is also the husband who makes his wife feel bad about not bringing in more money/spending 'his' money.

He sees them for an hour or so every other weekend - he doesn't have suitable accommodation to have them overnight and said he wouldn't have the twins "for a long time" in any event (clearly he means until they are older - and easier!! - and I've made them into decent little human beings who sleep through the night 🤔)

If I'm honest when the time comes that he wants more time I'm not sure what I'll do since he has expressed such a clear difference in his feelings towards my eldest compared to the twins and I worry he may treat them differently)

I think this would be the same for me, he might have the older ones overnight I'd he had accommodation but I can't see him having all together. With my H he can cope with them in pairs just not altogether