It's good but it's not

[Motherhood86]

So my ex and I split up 2 years ago after being together for 6 years. We are both single parents and split up mainly as I couldn't give him the time he needed and didn't want to move in with him as it meant giving my my secure council flat.
In the 2 years we were apart we still loved each other, stated in regular contact and slept together at times. We always said we imagined we would get back together when kids were older and we had less on our plate. 2 months ago he told me he started seeing someone, I was completely devastated and asked him to get back with me and move in and give our relationship a proper go.
He said no at first but then we started sleeping together, I said he has to make his choice as I wasn't staying in this situation. Last week he said he has chosen to leave her and give our relationship another go. Since then he has admitted once we was unsure if he's made right choice before quickly saying he has he's just struggling with all the stress as the other woman was very upset and said she was falling in love with him.
The problem is as we are such good friends he has spoken to me about how he is feeling admitting he has feelings for her, she was everything he was looking for in a relationship, ticked all boxes etc. It's made me feel like shit, he has walked away from her to be with me but its hard for me to feel happy when I feel now like I'm being compared to her and knowing she did all the things for him I didn't do as she had no kids and sounds like it moved very quickly with her spending a lot of time at his house. He has re assured me he loves me and it's always been me and he wants us to have a future. Just hard to hear how great she was and I can see he's missing her.

Sound like your relationship has never been functional and based on anything like security.
Neither of you seems have gone past dipping your toes in and have essentially been nothing more than FWB. Try not to look at what it's been with rose tinted glasses and leave him to make his own way.

That's a really difficult situation you're in. It raises a painful question: if she really ticked all his boxes, why did he come back to you? You must tick some boxes that she didn't. What boxes did she tick that you don't, and what boxes do you tick that she didn't? Could you tick more of his boxes? You need to sit down and get his answers. You also need to ask yourself if he ticks all your boxes, and whether you think you can resolve your feelings of behind second best. Good luck.

Sorry, I overlooked you had been together for 6 years.. just ignore me, that length of time is significant and changes my initial reaction!

It’s time for you to move on. As you have feelings it’s almost like he’s been having an affair. You are always going to feel like shit and second best. Do him and you a favour - ask him to leave and block xxx

He always loved me at it was more my fault the relationship didn't work=he moved on and she ticked the being available and able to revolve her life around him. I couldnt do that with a child and caring for my Mum. I don't feel like second best because they were together about 3 months. We have 8 years but it's more the fact I can see he really liked her and got attached to her and the way she treated him

He has walked away from that and chosen me who is not exactly the easy option as I have a child. Its just very difficult to be myself now and let my guard down. No one wants to think of their man thinking of another woman but the fact is he will for a while. We have said to cool off for a while as he needs time to process and not just go from her to me

You chose a council flat over him, understandable, but people in love want a life together.

I'm a single parent and that is the only security I have. As our children were young and his son had quite severe behaviour issues it was a gamble weather it would have worked out and I didn't want to be in a position with no where to live with my Son.

How do you know they’re not still in touch?!!!!

The other lady is very angry and feels like her time has been wasted, she told him to make his choice and once he did she said to never contact her again. I believe that

Giving him the benefit of the doubt - he's clumsily trying to say that they're more suited on a practical level, she can fit in better with his lifestyle and make more time for him etc. as she has no other commitments. He thought this is what he wanted/needed and tried to make it work but he can't get you out of his head, has stronger feelings and despite it not working as well on a practical level with you, he loves you and you're who he wants to be with. If this is true I'd actually take it as a compliment.

Worst case - he's manipulative and trying to make you jealous. He's trying to use this other woman as a way to convince you to move in, free up more time for him and make him more of a priority

@nc1013 I think this is what happened as in he was with he trying to make it work but sleeping with me. I know he loves me I think what he didn't realise was maybe that he was quite attached to her and the way she has handled it has been literally leave me now don't ever contact me again which of course is what she should have done but maybe there is a part of him that is thinking if he regrets his choice she won't take him back and you always want what you can't have.

I just want to say well done.

You put the emotional and financial security of your children above a relationship and I think you are amazing for doing so.

(I'd be a bit careful that you aren't being a bit manipulated here into a set up that suits him more than what you've been willing to risk)

So hang on - you split up and the only thing that changed was he found someone else and you got jealous and suddenly decided you wanted him after all?

What is going to happen when you are over angsting about whether or not he loved the other woman and you realise that you have now got him back and yet nothing has changed?

@Haffiana I completely understand that's how it looks but I've had my own commitment issues and have spent the last year getting counselling. I always wanted him back and asked him twice in last 2 years to try again, he said no as the housing situation was still an issue. It's not now as we are able to buy my council flat and if for whatever reason living together doesn't work I will still have some security.

Thank you :)