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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never says I’m pretty

34 replies

Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:23

I sent my husband some photos of myself and our LO from a couple years back. His response back, was our LO is so cute and so beautiful. But never acknowledges me in photos, or in real life. I find this so odd because I always will praise and acknowledge his looks when he makes and effort etc. but he never does that same too 😐

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 08/01/2023 18:26

I feel your pain - have had this before on relationships. Does he actively put you down, or just not mention how you look one way or the other? And is it the sort of relationship where you could tell him this upsets you?

Original poster
Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:28

I must say he never puts me down. Or says anything to hurt my feelings about my looks etc. but he never praises or acknowledges it either. I’m quite a verbal person so I make it clear when he looks nice, smells nice but he just never does it back to me

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 08/01/2023 18:30

Pretty is a specific type of look. You can be attractive/beautiful/striking/sexy etc. without being pretty. Does your husband pay you other compliments.

Original poster
Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:31

pretty is probably a bit specific. In general he never compliments me or anything I do.

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 08/01/2023 18:32

Has he always been like this?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 08/01/2023 18:33

Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:31

pretty is probably a bit specific. In general he never compliments me or anything I do.

Can you talk to him about this - say you feel a bit taken for granted and you'd like some appreciation when you make an effort to look your best?

Original poster
Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:34

I guess at the beginning of our relationship he was always complimenting me, and noticing every little thing I did. But 13 years later it’s non existence

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 18:35

Oh it’s a man thing. To be honest the sort of men that dole out compliments and are very ‘smooth’ in their delivery are usually cheats. DH is pretty ‘dour’ and doesn’t really do flowers and compliments, but the trade off is he’s faithful and responsible.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 18:37

Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:34

I guess at the beginning of our relationship he was always complimenting me, and noticing every little thing I did. But 13 years later it’s non existence

That’s just the dating phase though. For the first 2 years I didn’t swear like a sailor in front of DH or leave the door open when I went for a wee!

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 08/01/2023 18:37

Do you need validation that you're attractive? Doesn't the fact he (presumably) fancies you and you have a (hopefully good) sex life reassure you?

I don't think my DH often comments on my appearance but I don't feel unloved or unappreciated. What he does and how he behaves is more important than saying "you look pretty."

(I am not pretty. But he finds me beautiful and sexy, which is fine with me!)

In the old 'love languages' thing, are you mostly words of affirmation?

Mari9999 · 08/01/2023 18:39

What if does not think that you are pretty but is drawn to other more character related aspects of your being?

You say that you are quite verbal, but would you really be happy if he said" I don't think that you are pretty, but I love that you are kind and generous"?

You not only want a response, but you want a specific response.

You might both be happier if you stop making comments about his looks.

Original poster
Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:46

We do have a great sex life, he very attentive to what I like, my needs etc. maybe I am thinking into it too much.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 18:48

Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:46

We do have a great sex life, he very attentive to what I like, my needs etc. maybe I am thinking into it too much.

In that case you definitely are OP! In a nice way!

Alcemeg · 08/01/2023 18:53

I'm on DH#2

DH#1 never told me I was pretty, even on our wedding day, when I actually scrubbed up rather well.

He did, however, often tell me I was fat or goofy (only "joking" of course).

DH#2 never tells me I'm pretty either. But it's because he doesn't really care what I look like (which is sometimes just as well!).

I think if your DH is kind and loving towards you, you needn't worry about the lack of compliments.

YouJustDoYou · 08/01/2023 18:54

I've been told five times by random strangers over the years (men) "Not you, ugly!", "woof, look at that dog!", "Urgh, don't look at me, ugly", "Shame they can't all be pretty like her friend", "Urgh, look at that" - never forget each time), so I never really expect my DH to say he thinks I'm even a little bit "pretty". He never once has, but my wonderful kids have told me they think I'm beautiful, so, they never had to say that at all but it sure did make my heart glow.

DillDanding · 08/01/2023 18:57

I don’t think it’s a lot to ask to have a husband that says ‘wow, you look gorgeous’ or ‘I love you in that dress’ or ‘you’re beautiful’. I’ll admit it’s important to me. My husband was flicking through photos on his iPad the other night and showed a photo of me to our ds and said, ‘look at your beautiful mum’. Ds was 😐 but I was 🥹

But some men aren’t natural at compliments. I have friends whose husbands never say anything about their looks or appearance. I think they just grown to accept it and don’t think it matters.

Hbh17 · 08/01/2023 18:57

I don't think - in 36 years together - my husband has ever said anything like that to me - and he certainly wouldn't now that I'm an old bag! It's not really "a thing" for everyone & I agree that the smooth types who dole out compliments are probably not to be trusted.

Original poster
Stillnotlearntmylesson · 08/01/2023 18:57

Maybe I Should appreciate the fact that he is loving, respectful, caring and thoughtful. Thanks lovely people, sometimes it’s good to hear a non-bias opinion! Thank you

OP posts:
linak · 08/01/2023 19:00

How important is it for you that he compliments you? If it's very important and he doesn't change, it will affect your self-esteem. If you talk to him and he changes, you might ask yourself if it's being forced on him, so I think it'd be good for you to know how important is it to hear that from him before you bring it up.

I think it's nice to compliment and be complimented but when it comes naturally. I personally loved people who complimented more or less and it wasn't crucial for me to hear it but it might be important for you and that's normal too!

I think it's useful to consider the big picture, if you feel that he is showing you appreciation in other ways and you feel attracted towards each other in different ways I wouldn't worry. Of course the first months/years of a relationship are different but some are married to each other for decades and still keep making small efforts in different ways to show appreciation for each other with or without compliments

RewildingAmbridge · 08/01/2023 19:04

DH will tell me I look nice, or that he likes the way I look in something new, he's most likely to compliment my hair on a day to day basis (glad he likes it, it's drives me mad). I think I'd find it odd if I sent him a picture of me and DS as I did today, out on a walk and he said I looked pretty! He said oh he looks so happy, hope you're both having a lovely time. (He was at work).
He is off tomorrow and I'm working, I might get a picture of them both, it wouldn't occur to me to tell DH he looks handsome!
He was in court (for work) last week and put a suit on, so made a comment that he always looks good in a suit, but I don't compliment his looks day to day.
I think you're over thinking it.

LizzieMacQueen · 08/01/2023 19:19

I think Humza nailed it when he said after his strictly win - I'll paraphrase - there were 3 things but the one that stuck with me was 'don't be with someone whose eyes don't light up when you enter a room'

Actually i just googled and what he said was this,

surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when you enter room

BreviloquentBastard · 08/01/2023 20:06

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 18:35

Oh it’s a man thing. To be honest the sort of men that dole out compliments and are very ‘smooth’ in their delivery are usually cheats. DH is pretty ‘dour’ and doesn’t really do flowers and compliments, but the trade off is he’s faithful and responsible.

What a sad perspective to have.

Ilovelurchers · 08/01/2023 20:14

It never used to bother me one way or the other, but having had a relationship where my partner actively told me I was unattractive (and objectively I'm not - I'm not stunning but I am fairly nice looking - he was saying this as a deliberate way of hurting me and messing with my head) I now find I DO need and really appreciate the opposite - to be told I am attractive by the person I am in a romantic and sexual relationship with.

OP, if your relationship is generally good then you should tell him you would appreciate more compliments - as my. counsellor once told me, if you tell someone what you need to feel loved, someone who loves you will do their best to provide it. If you don't feel you can tell them, there's your problem..... It was good advice tho I could not see this at the time.

Montague22 · 08/01/2023 20:16

I think from everything you’ve posted I wouldn’t worry. Unless he says nothing when you are dressed up, the I’d probably say something.

We were talking about personality traits and DH said ‘you’re beautiful I can’t think of anything else’….I was also annoyed that he literally can’t describe who I am.

Skipsaway · 08/01/2023 20:26

I was talking about something similar the other day with a friend. I can't remember my ex complimenting me on anything.
Made me feel rubbish.

Try and chat it through with your dh, he may not realise its important to you.