Video games

[yorkshirepudsx]

I'm a big believer in things should be enjoyed in moderation. Including video games.

I don't mind my partner playing them, you know if he's got spare time or wants to unwind, but I feel like there's a big difference between ENJOYING a video game & then being completely obsessed and pushing it too far.

I'm not going to go into what's going on with me lol, I'll be typing forever.

But I just want others thoughts on the below:

• Have you ever been in a relationship and had it turn sour due to how much time your partner spends playing video games?

• Do you think video game addiction it should be spoken about more? I don't think some people realise that with video games, boundaries can be pushed and it can turn into an addiction.

I recently separated from my husband of 14 years and he was a big gamer to the point of obsession.
We are separating because of emotion/sexual abuse but gaming definitely played a massive part in this.
He rarely helped with housework/kids etc, rarely spent time with me or the kids, his games always came first and always brought out the worst in him. PlayStation was his go to.
I would never ever consider a relationship with a big gamer again… I would never stop someone doing something they enjoy in their free time but anything more is now a massive boundary for me.

Hobbies are fine, but when they become the main thing that someone spends their time outside work on, instead of giving their partner or family any attention then it becomes a problem in any relationship. Gaming, golf and cycling can be particularly demanding on free time!

I'm getting so fed up with my partners attitude towards gaming - for him it's his Xbox.

I don't mind it in moderation at all, but it's getting ridiculous now. We've been late to important things in the past because of it, including baby's scan, funerals etc.

If I mention anything he says "you didn't have an issue with it when we got together" - which is correct in some ways, only because when we got together he genuinely didn't play on it! After a few months he would go on it one night a week if that, have a few games and come off it. Now it's all the time.

It's irritating me so much. It's me doing absolutely everything, if I 'interrupt' to ask him anything he can be so shitty too. He got up today and went on it at around 10am. He asked if I was alright with him going on it for an hour or two, I said "yes but only for an hour or two, I need your help with some stuff" - he's only just come off it. He sat there and could hear the little one having tantrums, me trying to juggle allsorts of jobs and still stayed playing on it.

I asked him a simple question at teatime and he snapped at me, then fully wouldn't acknowledge that he'd snapped and tried to say that my question was stupid.

That's another massive factor im sick of, the rage he gets playing games, the language and shouting as he's playing them. They just make him angry.

I don't think it's healthy at all. He's missing out on so much family time.
He will even sit on it shouting and getting mad when the in laws are here sometimes. And when they leave, whinges about people interrupting his down time. It's so toxic.
Today, my little one took a step towards me (only one step, but a big deal for me!) and I said 'look at him he did a step' and it caused him to mess up on his game, he just shook his head and tutted.

I think it's disgusting. He has a close friend who's the same, constantly gaming and ignoring his kids etc. i feel awful on the kids too, I've heard his friend through the Xbox chat shoot at them for just playing and being kids because he's on a game. I wonder what goes through their minds, it would have made younger me question my worth if either of my parents put a gaming console before me.

Bottom paragraph- shout* at them

Which games is he playing?

Honestly, all that sounds terrible. My ex is a gamer too. He would be present in the day but would stay up all night playing and get up late in the morning. We would hardly spend time together unless i was playing the same game, i often had to start playing stuff just to spend time with him.

I think what is going on with your husband now is a step beyond, it doesn't sound like he's contributing much at all to your life right now, he needs to get help. I'm so sorry.

I went to lunch with 3 friends today and 2 of them said how annoying it was their husbands spend hours every evening and weekend playing video games. That would annoy me if it was too much and meant he didn’t spend enough time with his kids at least (not to mention with partner and doing housework etc)

All hobbies can be all consuming. Life revolving around them type of thing. It's not healthy.

I'm a gamer but I do life first. When everything is done and I've got the house to myself for a few hours it's a mint feeling turning on whatever console I fancy that day. But it doesn't come first in my priorities.

It's not the hobby, it's the attitude. How much are you willing to put up with it?

Ugh 😑 my first H was a gamer! I was having some pains (braxton hix but didn't know they were practice ones at the time) I was in bed and shouted down to him to come up, he shouted oh for fucks sake I can't pause this game!
I divorced him when ds was less than one year old when I realised I had door mat written on my forehead

Speaking as gamer myself...

I fully understand people getting lost on a new adventure and disappearing for a few days now and again down the rabbit hole. And could respect it in a partner. And during that time, I'd go do my own thing too.

BUT what you have to understand is for people who are gamers, it's often more of a lifestyle than a hobby.

I can not game for several months but then a new game or update may come out age you've pretty much lost me for a week, maybe more. Like, I'm scaling a mountain to fight a demigorgon and save a princess right now. Im busy. You'll be lucky if I even wash my dishes that week xD (although hopefully if I lived with a partner I'd be able to stay in reality enough to do that)

I'm a snob about obsessive fifa or cod players though. If they were playing that for more than a few hours here or there woth the boys, I'd be off. But mainly as I'd consider them gormless and dull. I'm sure they'd feel the same about me.

Either way, someone who games a lot...not really partner material unless you can accept you'll lose them from time to time to fantasy. The same way you would lose a person who dabbles in writing or art (I do those too haha so...off online my mind lots) And that just doesn't work for some. Probably moreso if child raising is a plan.

If it makes you feel miserable or lonely, its time to go. Not because they are bad people or wring for loving what they do. You just aren't compatible. And arguably, they have other loves you can't compete with.

*off in my own mind lots.

Also I'd say for some it's an addiction, for some it's just a lifestyle. Some people sit and watch TV all evening when they get home from work every night but we don't tend to call that addiction.

I would say to ppl who have gaming partners though and want to make a go of it. A. Fund your own hobbies and B to maybe take gaming up themselves.

Not necessarily the same games or on the same devices (so as to avoid a war lol) but to take an interest in their passions. You may find the same joy in one game that they do in another. Maybe the same or maybe a totally different genre. And there's a magic in that. Maybe you can work together through a game. Such joy to be able to share an adventure like that with a partner in a world completely different from your own.

Just...maybe hire a cleaner.

*find your own hobbies (to keep you occupied when they are...away)

Cod and fifa are the ones with my partner lol. In the past if he's played something with a good storyline I understand it a bit more! But it just annoys me how angry he gets with them and how much times wasted x

I get what you're saying, before having kids I would play Xbox with him & without him sometimes lol,

But regardless - nothing can justify the amount of hours he will sit there playing cod or fifa. It's not healthy. There's having interests. Then there's spending every hour of the day at weekends, and every evening in the week on the same two games. No time for anything else because he's hooked.

Yes I wouldn't stand for cod being a daily occurance in the household personally. Imo it's a 'social' activity though (ironic as its arguably very unsocial). Not real gaming. More like drinking and social posturing with the boys.

Lol does it sound like I'm condemning low brow gaming vs highbrow as if its art or something? But then...to me it is xD

Either way though, you have kids...and he isnt choosing them :/

Think id be off. If possible. At least on your own you won't have to listen to him bellowing at the TV screen 24/7 so that's got to be an improvement.

It's started to proper annoy me 🤣

Before kids, he'd play interesting games with storylines, and I'd get into them too! He'd play them with me sat next to him, we'd set a few hours aside at the weekend to play them etc, I'd help him solve stuff - and I loved that! I could see the enjoyment & I felt it too!

Over Xmas he had time off so I mentioned to him a few games coming out with storylines and suggested we buy one and at night time when the little ones are sleeping we could play them, with snacks etc, and he just didn't seem too interested,

It's just beyond silly now, I think I've dismissed it a lot in my mind because I don't like the friction it causes, if I mention it he goes to "well I won't play it at all" and doesn't understand that I don't mind it in moderation! If he set time aside for me and the kiddies it would be so much better, there's nights where I just want to sit and watch crap on tv in bed lol, so if we worked around eachother and our family it would make sense! But he just doesn't get it!😩

I'm in a good routine at the minute too, go to sleep at a reasonable time and get up early, during his time off at Christmas he kept getting up really late and it caused a lot of arguments, told me he was having trouble getting to sleep etc, so I was trying to be easy on him thinking it was the lack of routine being off work,
Realised that wasn't the case! He'd spend the evening on the Xbox, I'd go up to bed, he would come up to bed a bit later, and once I was asleep he was going back down to the living room and playing until 3-4AM, I only realised because I got up to wee one night and wanted a drink and when I went downstairs he was saying how it was just a quick game he couldn't sleep, then a few days later I got up in the night and heard him on it again, asked him about it and he said he'd been on it every night!

Which again I've tried to 'understand' but I can't, it's not like he was being productive during the day or evenings, or spending time with us and then doing this, he was literally spending any time he could on it!

I do keep thinking about how much more peaceful it would be on my own, he goes to his friends once or twice a week, usually a week night and then on a Friday, he gets home and gets changed then goes and is gone until really late, (funnily enough to sit and play cod or fifa in the same room as them lol) but it's sooooo peaceful, I handle the kids tantrums easier as I'm not having to listen to him getting angry at the tv lol, then once the kids are in bed I can have some relaxed time in the living room watching tv and cuddling the dog!

Side note - the dog isn't a fan of it all either, once he gets to the angry part of playing, she takes herself off upstairs or will follow me like my shadow hahaha.

I met my partner gaming online! COD as it happens!
We have a one year old DS together now, but still play together in the evenings when he is in bed. But only after we've sorted everything else out.
I think if I wasn't into gaming too it would piss me off the amount of time spent on the game.
It sounds like its become a bit of an obsession for your DH unfortunately.

I think it has become an obsession, and I think once that lines crossed it's hard to navigate anything

If he came home, helped a bit or at least had a full conversation with me, then went on it when the kids went to bed - I'd be so much happier! And same at weekends, family time and THEN gaming, it would be much more pleasant!

But it's just his whole behaviour surrounding it,
Things like -
His mum will try ringing him and he ignores it, so she rings me and asks me to put him on, I do, and as soon as he hangs up he gets pissy and says "just ignore her if she rings you, I'm busy" etc

he will get home from work and rush around to get onto the Xbox, I can't remember the last time he sat and ate food with us (I sit at the table with the kids)

On our little ones first birthday, I had so much to do (we had a party), the little one had a nap after a busy morning playing - and instead of helping me tidy up and get ready etc, he just sat on the Xbox, so it ended with me still trying to cook food as people arrived

Last night I got upset, kids in bed, and he suggests we watch tv together for first time in ages, so I get my PJs on, found a good series to watch, I was excited! I make us both a cup of tea, I get snacks together, then I nipped for a wee & went back downstairs to him putting his headset on, he said his friend rang him and had cancelled plans so asked if he would go on Xbox. Partner said it would be for an hour, it was all evening and into early hours. I ended up going up to bed, watching tv alone with my cup of tea and I fell asleep lol.

At this point I just feel like he's bored of me and our family. I had a list of things I wanted to do over the Christmas period (things we've never been able to do, thanks to the pandemic years previous!) and I'd say 'tomorrow can we do this' get up the day after and get me and the kids ready and my partner would get up, go on the Xbox and act like a child if I mentioned going anywhere. I don't drive, so most of what I wanted us to do we couldn't do, so many days I ended up just walking to places within reach and doing things with the kids myself, going for wintery walks with them and the dog, etc.

He didn't watch a single Christmas film with us.

I just feel so fed up of it, I don't know how to approach the situation either because when I have tried to say anything to him, he jumps to the 'I need hobbies and downtime' - but it's just a full blown problem now.

We live in a beautiful house and have a beautiful family, and in laws or my family will make plans with us to come see us, and when they arrive they always walk into him sat on the Xbox shouting, so they end up in the kitchen with me and we can wait hours for him to stop playing sometimes. They've all confronted it but he laughs it off to them, then complains none stop to me when they leave.

Then there's all the normal parts of parenting and running a house that he's not helping with, I feel like I don't have a partner, I just have an overgrown teenager that doesn't listen or talk to me haha

Yeah its no way to live. I think I would ask him (next time he is not on the xbox) to sit down eith you because you need to have a serious chat.
And then I would be clear with him that he had to choose between cod and this relationship. 'And I don't mean cut down. You've shown you can't do that. I mean quit. Or I walk. And I'm sorry its come to this but it is what it is'.

And if he chose cod or chose you but couldn't stick to it, I'd leave him.

(For clarity, I'd perhaps be OK with him playing other games at some point in future. With the understanding that if it goes the same way woth those, the same ultimatum will apply). But for now, I'd want him to put the console away completely. Storage or sell it.

Oh and - I'd also make it clear that if I saw any resentment about it, I'd also leave. Because HE has to choose to do it for his family. You arent 'making' him, youre simply telling him that your choice is not to live with someone whoisnt there for his family. Who...isn't there. So now he knows that, he can choose.

I'd leave, OP. It's doesn't sound like he's actually adding anything positive to you or your kids' lives and you'd be better off without him.

I'm all for downtime and hobbies but there's a limit, especially when you have family to take care of and a house to run. It's not him having 'downtime' if it's what he spends the majority of his time doing!

I totally agree about games with stories, I like them too and enjoy watching people play them but the difference with those is that they're finite - you can complete them and they're done. With things like COD and Fifa it's never going to stop.