How to come to terms with him becoming everything I wanted now we have split?

[Howtogetoverthethingtogetover]

I was with my now ex for 6 years, during the pandemic he started drinking and just never stopped.

He was awful, thoughtless, selfish, a liar, blamed everything on me, just an absolute arsehole to be with.

Last month it got too much and I kicked him out.

Now I can see that he was actually not just a bit of a prick, but actually abusive.

So this last month he's admitted he was an alcoholic, stopped smoking, attending AA, got into a sport, apologised to everyone he hurt.

To be honest it's fucking killing me, he's moving onwards and upwards and improving himself now we are apart, but he shattered my life, my home, my friendships... I'm a shell of who I was.

I'm not even happy for him, I'm raging that all of a sudden hes being hailed as some saint while I'm sitting here with the scars.

I fully admit I'm bitter and resentful, and I don't even know how to start moving past this.

He hasn't changed that much in a month. He just hasn't.

Major lifestyle changes take years to become established habits, not a few weeks.

You're now on the outside looking in, and you're only seeing what he wants the outside world to see. The reality of living with him again would not be what you are seeing from the outside.

Also, it's very easy to join AA and do the performative apologising thing. Have a look at where he's at a year or two down the line - that will be far more informative.

Oh I'll never go back there again no matter what he does, it's just tough to see because I spent years begging him for the bare minimum, and now it's so important to do all the things I asked.

He used to call me mental for asking for various things and now he's being praised by everyone for being so insightful into his problems, when he's just repeating, word for word, the things I had asked.

I just feel so bitter about it all.

Lol, of course he hasn't changed. In a month?

He's making all the right noises and playing the part to get people, including you, to gather sympathy and preserve his image.

Give him 6 months and he'll be doing the same, or worse, to his next victim.

You've been smart. Don't question it.

Satisfy yourself with the knowledge that you know its an act, and that at some point all the other people around them will realise it too. People like this can never maintain the mask forever.

It won't last! My ex said he didn't need to drink anymore because all his stress and gone when we split - lasted a couple of months!

It sounds like you need to get some support yourself. Therapy, maybe, to help you move on?

Do you need to keep in contact with him? Can you avoid hearing about his wonderful new life?

I had a similar situation - didn't last, only took a year before people were talking about him treating others badly, cheating on his gf etc. But I was FURIOUS at the time and felt really annoyed at everyone at the time, why were they more concerned with his rehabilitation than they were with how he treated me? I dropped a few friends accordingly tbh, and it really gave me a good hard look at so called 'feminist allies' in my life. Don't call yourself a feminist but continue to align yourself with men who treat women terribly. Just give it time and find something to distract yourself.

I can see how that would really hurt, I expect I'll feel the same if stbxh starts acting like a decent person after we split. It's ok to acknowledge that and feel whatever you feel. Sometimes you need to feel those loses before you can move forward. You grieve what you thought you had, the future you thought you'd have, the love you thought you had, the person you thought they might were.

When you feel ready you can remind yourself that no one kicks alcoholism that easily and a month means nothing. If he's still off in 2 years that will mean something, but he won't be. Remind yourself you're better off without him, pick yourself up again, get some counselling if you can, Al-Anon might be helpful. You'll come out the other side of this and be better, it's highly unlikely he ever will.

Everyone thought my ex was a victim and a saint when I had to leave him, with my child, because of his drinking - he refused point blank to leave, even though it meant my son losing his home. He persuaded people for quite a few months that he had been horribly treated by me. I was frankly too busy surviving/finding a flat/finding a job/caring for my distressed son to worry too much about what people thought - some of it did hurt, but it was low down on my list of priorities and I never tried to defend myself or even tell my side of the story to any of his friends or family. Within 6 months - everyone had realised for themselves. I never had to say a word. I did have some people apologise to me for not supporting me many months later. The truth will out for you too, I am sure.

Have you thought that maybe you leaving him was the kick he needed to see how truly awful he was being and how much he needed to take action? I’m not saying that because I think you should get back with him by the way, just that it might have been losing you that showed him the seriousness of the situation.

natashaadamo.com/is-my-ex-happy-in-his-new-relationship/

It's not strictly your situation but she describes it well 😊

Been there, utter bollocks, he'll be back to his old ways soon enough. My ex has sobered up a few time but I went back too many before I realized it's short lived and a load of nonsense.

Oh sweetheart

firstly he really hurt you and you need to heal
and it’s really very early days

I’m advising as a total stranger but I’d stay step 1 is to eradicate every update of that man from
your life
how do you know he’s doing so ducking well ? As that needs to stop
the less you know the better

then look after yourself
all that self care and fitness and new life

you need that In spades
throw yourself into it

he may relapse
he may not
bit you won’t ever be able to forgive him and find peace unless you are feeling better in yourself

But you have to channel all that energy into you
it’s not easy BTW
but it does work x