DH throwing things back in arguments that I’ve confided to him

[Speedmacarons]

I’m feeling very upset that this has happened again today. It happened probably about 6 months ago and I was very upset, resulted in some serious talking. In a stupid bickering argument he just did it again. This feels like such a serious breach of trust I don’t know what to do.

first time I was about 6 months post partum and still suffering crippling PND, was on meds but struggling with them, lacking sleep and it all came spilling out. The dark thoughts I’d had, my fears, behaviours I’d been doing in secret etc. He later used some of the things I’d said against me in an argument and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I told him I would never talk to him like that about my MH again, and I haven’t.

It’s now happened again. I feel some kind of shock as it feels like this is a serious, relationship threatening issue. This time is was things I’d confided about my finances, linked to MH ultimately.

I appreciate both of these things are joint problems in a marriage, but I kind of thought it was out of bounds to use the things I’d discussed in this way. I certainly would feel I’d crossed a line if the tables were turned.

He’s doing his usual now and feigning that he wasn’t using it to get at me, doesn’t understand why I’m upset etc.

our relationship is generally ok but we have been under a lot of strain in recent years with various things and two very young children, so it’s up and down and there has been a lot of low-level passive aggression and bickering

This is exactly what my narcissistic ex used to do - it used to read my diary (even when I hid it) underline things and then repeat them in nasty ways.

There is no justifying it.

Its cruel and a betrayal.

He is a knob

I think it depends on what the argument was about and if what he was saying was relevant, for example, if you’re arguing about money then it’s relevant for him to bring up money issues you’ve hidden from him, it’s not relevant for him to bring up that you felt suicidal when you had PND, as an example.

If you can't trust your partner to support you then that relationship is over in all but name. He doesn't like you and/or marriage and babies and he wants to hurt you so uses anything he can.

I am so sorry this happened to you but you have three choices going forward.

Consider he isn't the right partner for you and plan leaving.
Consider he is alright generally, so plan therapy.
Consider its normal to be like this, ignore it all and carry on.

Only you can decide but do you think you can continue like this for another five years or do you think you will be full of anger and resentment?

Thanks for the considered responses

@Pixiedust1234 I’m kind of on option 2. For now. Do you mean couples therapy?

he really likes family life. It doesn’t always feel like he likes me much though although he always denies that. He does lots of nice things for me /us. But that doesn’t mean a lot when you also do this

What do you mean by low level aggression?

Sorry low level passive aggression?

When I read your post I saw flashing red-flags. The trust has gone, you may need couples counselling to see if it's possible to get it back and re-find yourself. Bonus, the therapist should also uncover any gas-lighting / unreasonable behaviour on his part.

@Ludo19 things like feigned interest in things I’ve bought then commenting ‘well that’s definitely an essential purchase isn’t it’ , aiming that we are meant to be saving for example

maybe PA not the right term…

I wouldn't be impressed with non essential shopping either if you've agreed to save. But generally, it doesn't sound like a great dynamic. Maybe try counselling.

The first one regarding your mental health is really not ok.

The money, it depends on the argument.

The PA over spending is annoying but again. Depends if you have both agreed to stop non essential spending and what it is you are buying.

Honestly, I have been in a relationship where you can’t confide in someone. It doesn’t work. The divide between you grows, in my experience. That on its own would have me planning to leave.

I am on the fence about the money. Could be him being an arse or you being terrible with money and him just not handling well. Or you moaning about money, while making the situation worse.

I get exactly what you mean. In all honesty if the bad outweighs the good and you're not even 70% happy, then I think it's time to maybe rethink your situation. Whatever you decide, just make sure you're happy. Good luck

I would go with single therapy first as it sounds like you aren't in a good place anyway. You can always do couple therapy once you are stronger. Good luck in your journey