Why do I suddenly feel bitter and resentful with my DH about things that happened years ago?

[Tryagainforthethirdtime]

Been together 20 years, married 12 years, 2 DC 9 and 11. DH is is quite an unassuming man, relaxed about stuff, easy going, very unargumentative and reserved.

I'm the opposite (grew up in a chaotic, poor, stressful house with neglectful parents) and for a long time I needed order and control and my own financial security.

Then kids came along and I had to learn how to let things such as housework go as I couldn't keep it up. I did the majority of sleepless nights and my kids were terrible sleepers.

DH was always very relaxed about having any sort of structure. It was a constant battle trying to get a bedtime routine for example. I meal plan, DH would just order a McDonalds for everyone.

For the first 15 years I ended up being in charge - organising everything, researching everything, managing the kids. For the last seven years he's finally grown up. So he can now go to the supermarket without me having to give him a list, can put a wash on, can sort out the car insurance. I go out whenever I want, come back any time, I've never worried about leaving the kids with him.

He's very undemonstrative of emotion - I've never really felt that he's that into me. Whenever I've asked him about this he says it's not true. I'm sure part of it comes from growing up with parents who were never bothered about me.

I feel really angry now about all those years with DH where I did all the housework, food shopping, cooking, laundry, organising, sorting childcare etc. Because, as it turns out, he could do it but what? Chose not to? He says he felt that he couldn't live up to my standards and that I constantly criticised him. This is true but I felt so neglected and overwhelmed and unhappy.

So now things are a lot easier with the kids and we are both working ft so financially it feels safe. However, I've lost all interest in anything to do with housework, cooking. He's stepped and is doing it all without complaint. So why do I feel so over it? I think I want us to separate but I don't really understand why. My friends think I'm crazy - I'm the only one married to someone who has taken on so much of the domestic drudgery and keep telling me how lucky I am. Why don't I feel lucky?

What do you want now to help deal with the resentment of the past? Is there anything that your husband can actually do about this? Sounds like the more he does the more you step back and steep yourself in the resentment you have built up.

You’ve finally got time to think. You could go to therapy. Work out what’s actually going on. It might be him. It might be you. I’m sorry you feel so unhappy at the moment. Talk to a neutral third party and see what happens.

Because, as it turns out, he could do it but what? Chose not to?
He has improved and you think that's a negative?

I could have written this post. I hope you don't mind me asking but do you think you're peri-menopausal? I think this might be a little of the reason why I'm feeling the way I am now.

Yep, therapy time. It might be that there are problems in your relationship, but considering what you've said about your upbringing you probably have a lot of baggage to work through that you might be projecting on to your relationship now.

He says he felt that he couldn't live up to my standards and that I constantly criticised him.

That’s a horr

He says he felt that he couldn't live up to my standards and that I constantly criticised him.

That’s a horrible way to live and you never gave life a go in a more relaxed way that might have suited him (and your children) more, you also have no way of knowing he’d only have bought junk food or they’d never have fallen into a routine.

Over time you’ve unclenched, he’s taken a chance on stepping up and not had his head bitten off and now does the bulk of the shit work without complaint.

What is it you want?

It sounds like you’ve realised how much time you wasted being angry and resentful and doing so much more than you needed to, and you can see what he’s capable of when he’s given a bloody chance. Life could have been different if you’d made different choices. You’re angry with yourself I think, as much as you may be angry with him.

You have to ask yourself what you can achieve by this resentment. It is holding you back. He has changed for the better. He never needed to live on your terms. People can stay alive on MacDonalds in scruffy houses. You never wanted to because of your upbringing (I don't blame you) but he has always had the right to be autonomous from you and live as he chooses, not as you decree. And he di. And the DC were safe and happy.

Is part of the resentment unfinished business with your onw upbringing - easier to feel angry with him than them?

Honestly, I'd put effort into letting go of the resentment. Watch the Stutz documentary - especially the sections on Active Love and the Maze and see if they help. I learned a lot in one hour.

This. I was going to write this. There are days I feel like I want to divorce my pretty nice husband, he gives me the rage over minor things. I have lots of resentment from things that happened 11 years ago and a very low tolerance with him. Speaking to other women my age, late 40's, we agree its a peri menopausal symptom. Google it!

One person's view is laid back and relaxed, another would view it as lazy.
One person's view is self care, another would say selfish.

Has your wording and views on the same characteristics changed and why? Mine changed when I realised my laid back DH wasn't the chilled person I thought he was, he was just a fucking lazy git who thought housework was womens work. His masked slipped one day and I "saw" him.

I think you are wasting your energy on the past. Focus on the now. You have it damn good. Shut up and enjoy.

I am in no way meaning to sound dismissive, and I definitely think therapy could benefit you enormously, but what you're feeling/expressing has peri-menopause written ALL over it. For many women, Peri is like some massive awakening. It can change damn near everything about how you feel and think. The shit you used to put up with and ignore, that will simply not be possible for you to tolerate anymore, so your unresolved feelings about the earlier days of your marriage might be like the magma in a volcano.

This. I was getting angry & resentful earlier over something that happened 20 years ago. Small things become very big. I'm struggling to be anything like my 'old self' right now.

He says he felt that he couldn't live up to my standards and that I constantly criticised him.

This is a fair reason to stop doing something though. (although getting you both to therapy would have been better).

If you wanted more help I don't see why it couldnt have been done in his "go with the flow" style.

You don’t have to feel lucky, but there’s no point in being bitter. Is that really how you want to live?

You could make the best of the hand life’s dealt you or you could leave him. But then would you find anyone else as good as him?
You would have to split Christmas with the kids, see someone else date him and get the benefit of the new and improved version of him.
I just think, what’s done is done. If you left, life would be more shit. Might as well make the most of life as it is and don’t let bitterness ruin anymore of your life.

Definitely could have written this post. The fucking anger!! I have been angry in my relationship for so long. My answer was to do like you, check out, do the bare minimal, find other outlets, the gym, walking, art, pottery, just anything that let me have an outlet,
It's rubbish I know, but you have to get you back, you have to find YOU. X