Ex husband possibly moving on

[cossette]

My ex husband and I are divorced over 10 years due to his anger, moods and taking his anger out on our children when they were young. I always loved him but I couldn’t live with him. For the sake of the kids we remained close and had family holidays together, days out, meals out as a family. I always thought we would get back together when the time was right after the issues that had resulted in the split resolved. Both kids suffered emotionally from what had happened and whenever I asked either of them if they would be happy if we got back together they always said no.
4 days ago ex-h told me he had met someone he had feelings for. I’m devastated. I know he hasn’t known her long but I can’t believe that just at the time when I felt he and I could move forward this had happened.
In August my son became very suicidal and is having very intense CAMHS intervention. It has been awful and my life has concentrated on keeping my son alive. My exH started talking to this woman in Sept/Oct so part of me wonders if he is just ‘running away’ from the horrible family situation we are in. Kids are near adult and one at Uni - but the mental health situation of both shows that they still need us around.

I’m not sure what to do. I can’t believe timing could be the end of my family. I love my exH and we were finally in a place where we could have tried again.

This is not healthy... others will be along to hopefully provide you with some good advice and how to accept this but this situation sounds dreadful for you all.

And your poor DC - making it so clear for so long that they didn't want the family you so clearly are convinced is just around the corner.

You divorced him because of his anger, moods, and taking his anger out on the children, and then you carried on having family holidays, days out and meals out “for the sake of the children”… the children he was taking his anger out on?

Crikey it sounds like the best thing that could happen for your children is for him to fuck off into the sunset with his new woman and put an end to this set up, which was clearly only for your benefit and not at all for theirs.

My ex husband and I are divorced over 10 years due to his anger, moods and taking his anger out on our children when they were young. I always loved him but I couldn’t live with him.

He was angry and moody. You couldn’t live with him. You didn’t divorce for nothing.

Ten years is a long time. It’s only surprising that one of you didn’t meet someone else sooner. If you didn’t get back together in ten years you were never going to.

You’re just hurt that he’s found someone else. If he’d done that within 6 months or 6 years, the hurt would have been the same.

If you were the one to have met someone else you’d have expected him to just move on. He has hurt your pride, that’s all. Be happy for him. You WILL get over it.

Has he actually resolved any of the issues which lead to the divorce? Even if he has, why did it take him ten years to do so? If he’d loved and cared for you he would have resolved the issues years ago. You have been a fool to spend ten years thinking you could be with him or that he would eventually change.

It sounds like he has done you a favour in that maybe now you can finally move on and find somebody deserving.

Having a relationship with him where you live apart but get nice bits like meals out gives a false sense of what being together properly would be like. People don't magically change without a certain amount of self insight and work, why would he be any different to live with now?

The 2 of you have been separated an awfully long time, this idea you had that you'd get back together, is it actually something you've said to him or discussed? If not, while you've been assuming itll happen, he may have just emotionally moved on and accepted it was over.

I'm not sure there's much you can do here besides be open about how you feel....but I'd be really cautious if I were you bevause as I say, there's every chance he's just as moody and angry to live with as before

It’s been TEN YEARS.

This is insanely unhealthy. Have you had therapy?

How have the issues been resolved ?

Oh please, theres so much to unpack here, like why do you even want him back?? But he was obviously wanting to be a good involved parent, and a friend for you, but had moved on emotionally.

Did you expect him to remain celibate and unattached during the last decade???

You have been holding onto a relationship that is over

I realise the relationship isn't usual. He has always told me he loved me and wanted to get back together. In the summer we went on holiday - all 4 of us- and it was at this point I knew we had worked through all our issues and he understood and acknowledged his past behaviour. I thought the holiday would be the turning point - but just before the holiday was when my son confided his crisis to me and he didn't want me to tell his dad. The holiday was not good as I was so worried about my son and his dad did not know anything about it. Eventually we told his dad the situation when back in the UK and son was receiving Crisis CAMHS input - and he was very understanding and wanting to do what was best. But he told me he couldn't sleep, was so anxious etc - and this is when he started speaking to this woman - so it seems like he was looking for a diversion. I know it all seems strange but it worked for us. And yes, I am getting therapy for dealing with my son's mental health crisis.

The holiday wasn't good bevause you were worried and distracted or did you and your ex have difficulties as a result?

If you really think he's changed (I'd be dubious) and you want reconciliation there's no other option than to be transparent, say how you feel and what you want and see what he says in return.

OP the holiday was a turning point.

For your ex it was enough for him to move on.

As a PP said you have been holding on to a relationship that has very long been over.

As others have said this is really unhealthy.

Please understand OP that your ex can be a father to his children and have a new romantic relationship. He is not moving on from them, he is finally moving on from you.

Why either of you has allowed this situation to be the way it is for a decade is beyond me, but it is now over.

You have had 10 years of no healthy boundaries. You have become unhealthily enmeshed. You need to let go. Stop analysing his behaviour and start looking at your own. It doesn't matter if he has started a relationship "to escape" a negative situation. You can not control what he does or who he does it with and after 10 years of being divorced you are being incredibly unreasonable to expect to.

You should look to yourself. Why have you really spent ten years holding on to someone who treated you and your children so badly. Why even when they told you they didn't want you to be together, did you try to force the "family" on your children? What were you getting out of it? What did you hope to achieve? And most importantly what can you do now to put in place healthy boundaries and move on?

I feel a bit confused by this. Have you been having a low-key relationship for the last 10 years - or have you only seen him when the DC are present?

Why did you get divorced and not just separated if you thought you would always get back together?

This situation seems very unclear and your kids do not want you to get back together so how bad was it for them? Or for you?

It wasn’t working for all of you. It clearly wasn’t working for your sons.

Your post is very confusing but your life sounds challenging so I guess that's to be expected. I don't think YABU to feel a bit upset but I do think YABVU to believe that after being divorced for TEN YEARS you were on the brink of reconciliation but fate intervened.
Cruel as this might sound I don't think he has/or had any plans to be with you again. You are deluded. Do you have mental ill health yourself OP? Could counselling help? Please don't waste any more of your life. You deserve more.

You want to get back with the man who's most likely the cause of your son's mental health problems? You've kept their father - who traumatised them- in their lives to the extent of inviting him on their holidays with you, that must of been 10 years of confusion and worry about the possibility of you getting back together- you asked, they said no, that says a lot.

You did the right thing divorcing him, but keeping him in there lives to the extent you did, just because you love him, was more about your wants that your children's needs. He's finally done you a favour by moving on as clearly 10 years of hoping, regardless of your DC's wishes, is just holding you back and torturing all of you. He's kept you on the back-burner for 10 years because you've let him. About time you moved on. He has, I'll bet its because he can't face the guilt about his hand in your DS's MH, it's too much for him to deal with, so he will want to keep more distance rather than be faced with the mess he's made of others lives.

Thanks everyone - I agree it is a very strange situation. Just to be clear it was always exH who wanted to get back together and I was the one who was reluctant because I didn't think he'd changed. I am upset because all the time I was desperately trying to keep our son alive (5 suicide attempts since September) he was talking to someone else. But as you all say it has been a very long time to be in this situation. I do think that he has tried to distance himself from the psychological harm he has caused our son - and I've only realised that since writing my original post. Instead of thinking of all the good times we have experienced I need to remember the tension, the moods and the anger that he displayed.