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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seen my ex last night ...why do I feel upset?

13 replies

navyanspink · 08/01/2023 15:01

Last night was the first time I had seen my ex in 3 years.
We haven't spoke in two years
It was a horrific breakup and she treated me awful.
We exchanged awful words and that was that.
Last night I was at a gig.
Walked into toilets and there she was
We have both got new relationships but we kind of just stopped and looked at each other.
I quickly turned away
My heart was racing
I think I still have feelings for her
Now the thought that I'm never gonna see her again has hit and I feel so sad
She looks the same -and all the feelings came back
How is this possible after 3 years ?

OP posts:
8lue8irds · 08/01/2023 15:04

I think it's totally normal to feel like that. Not only have you seen someone who you cared about very deeply but factor in the shock value of seeing her unexpectedly and it kind of doubles the blow.

Don't be too hard on yourself and allow yourself to acknowledge the feelings. They will pass eventually even though it's really really hard..

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 08/01/2023 15:07

Yes, don't underestimate the shock factor of bumping into a significant ex who you haven't seen in an age and you weren't expecting to come face to face with. It can be discombobulating.

Remember how badly she treated you and how bad the breakup was and then file it away.

Original poster
navyanspink · 08/01/2023 15:10

I can't get her out of my head today.
I know she's a nasty person and her new partner will eventually see that side too but she has a good side too and she made me feel things I never felt before.
She was my first female partner too so everything is more intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
navyanspink · 08/01/2023 15:11

We aren't friends on FB but aren't blocked either so I can search her and I don't know just feel sad

OP posts:
supercali77 · 08/01/2023 15:43

Its totally normal to feel this way, it's not a magic sign that you should get back together or that it was meant to be. Toxic relationships often leave an incredibly lasting impact because not only did they bring us low, they also brought us incredibly high. It never changes the fact that they were overall incredibly detrimental. The only sane answer Is to remove her from your social media and put it to bed

SuperHandss · 08/01/2023 15:47

It’s totally normal & there’s no shock like it. The feeling will pass and fairly quickly. Keep yourself busy for the next few days.

Original poster
navyanspink · 08/01/2023 16:11

@supercali77 she's not on my social media but she isn't blocked so I can always search her name

OP posts:
hoppityscotch · 08/01/2023 16:18

I used to live in utter fear of bumping into my ex in the local supermarket. I've moved on I dont want to even think about them existing.

TheRightDecisions · 08/01/2023 17:56

Create an attic in your mind, place her there, close the door, and know that actually, you house doesn’t have an attic.

Go out and do something you enjoy… even if it’s just getting a lovely slice of cake from your favourite coffee shop…

Exercise will release endorphins to make you feel good, even just a walk, try to choose somewhere scenic.

Pamper yourself, treat yourself like a beloved child and sooth yourself… speak kindly to yourself.

buckeejit · 08/01/2023 20:37

Hope getting it out of your head here helps. The dread of seeing an ex who knows you so well but is now far removed from your life is very confusing & horribly, shockingly intimate. Hope you feel better soon

category12 · 08/01/2023 20:39

Are you sort of asking us permission to seek her out on FB? Because I think it would be a bad idea.

buckeejit · 08/01/2023 21:23

Oh yeah, definitely do not search for her on fb, she will get alerted to you as a potential friend. Just avoid this & try to forget her

Zanatdy · 08/01/2023 21:29

I have an ex that I know if I saw I’d feel like you do. It’s been 23yrs. But he was never right for me, he never wanted me for more than sex really but I just couldn’t get enough of him. That doesn’t mean I’d want to get back with him, in those 23yrs I’ve matured and realised my worth. I’m with someone who loves me back and I’d never swap that for what he has to offer. Incidentally he’s in his mid 50’s now, is living with his mother and when I FB stalked him )after a mutual friend tagged him) I saw he was on a ‘musical pilgrimage’. So still not working and thinking he will be snapped up as a musician one day. Yeah right, dream on. Put her to the back of your mind. If your current relationship isn’t right (and not sure if it is or not) then maybe look at that but it doesn’t sound like she’s the answer

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