Tell me about the moment you decided to go NC with your parent/s

[MuggleMe]

After 25 years of gaslighting and passive aggressive nonsense, I've decided I probably need to go no contact with my stepmum.

Unfortunately my dad is elderly, lives 200 miles away and isn't capable of a relationship with me independent of his wife. Therefore if I go NC with her, I'll lose him too.

Please tell me your stories of when you decided enough was enough.

OP have you checked out the Stately Homes thread? Lots of NC with narcissistic parents on there.

I'm not in the right frame of mind to share my story right now but I didn't want to read and run

To answer your question, there wasn't a moment per se. It was a very long process of setting expectations and boundaries, not having these met or respected, trying to negotiate what would be possible, setting new expectations, not having those met. The story is a much longer one involving a sexually abusive family member and him being protected by my mum over me and my dc.

But the point at which I realised there was no going back was when a friend of my mum's (who I've never met) got in touch to tell me to apologise for taking a large sum of money from her and then cutting her off. I was like, wait, what did you say?! My mum claims that she never said this to the friend (and the friend is 'crazy because she has long COVID' 🙄). I eventually was able to see a copy of the email to this friend, in which my mum did in fact say that dh and I have taken a large sum of money from her (in the £100Ks) and disappeared. This is very obviously not true. Curiously, she never mentioned the abuse or the abuser once in this long email to her friend.

Oddly, being abused and having her protect an abuser (not the person who abused me but who abused someone else in the family) was one thing. But spreading cruel rumours to attack my character and make dh and I look like awful people to distract from any questions from anyone, that's something else. That wasn't the point we went NC (that happened a couple months later), but that was the point looking back when I realised things had gone past the point of ever being repairable. I have received one message from her since (the annual pre-Christmas message that I get every year to tell me that she got cards and presents for my dc that she won't send 🙄), but otherwise, it's been so bloody peaceful.

That being said, it sounds like in your situation, this is a matter of wanting to be NC with your step-mum, but still wanting to have a relationship with your dad. Is there any way you could still make this work? Send him letters in the post rather than calling and speaking to her. Visit 3x a year and make it very clear it's all about him and don't even acknowledge her. Cutting a parent out of your life is hard (even though I've done it and I'm very happy with my decision, it's painful, even when your parent is an asshole). It sounds like your dad isn't an asshole and you do want a relationship with him. I wouldn't let a horrid step-mother stand in the way of that if that is actually the case, but only you know if that really and truly isn't possible (if, for instance, she will refuse to let you in the door, etc.).

This is pretty outing because I’m pretty open about this but I walked out of mediation with my Dad after listening to him defend his predator son for nearly an hour.

He was half in and half out when the mediator asked him if he believed that my sister had been raped. I had a message sent to me from my sister on my phone saying how much it hurt that my father was not believing this and he tried to convince the mediator that it might just be a misunderstanding because you couldn’t trust phone messages.
He told me and the mediator that although my brother admitted abusing me that actually he and my sister were in a relationship for many years.
He told me my brother wouldn’t go to jail for raping his sister and abusing me.
My father told me and the mediator that the problem really was that I was not a forgiving enough person.

I stopped speaking to my mother about 4 months later after 1 last comment final from her.

“I am so lucky that your sister has been my absolute rock while I have dealt with all of this stuff”

My sister had been abused by my brother for decades as above and I had been abused by him too.
My mother was centring herself as the victim in what had happened to us both and she was ludicrously unsupportive of both myself and my sister as she continues to this day to sweep my brother’s abuse under the rug. She still speaks to her friends about all my siblings including the paedophile but a friend of hers told me that I have been airbrushed completely out of her history, never mentioned.

My mother was obviously trying to say to me how wonderful my sister was being towards her while having a dig at me for not being so wonderful to her. Passive aggressive is her life long communication style.

But really I should have stopped speaking to my parents, but my mother particularly, over a decade before when I first told them about the abuse I experienced from my brother. I didn’t want to invite my brother to my wedding. My mother went on her cruellest guilt trip of my life. She told me: You have to invite him, what would the relatives think? You would be ruining his life and your sister in laws (his wife’s) life and our lives (my parents) and what would your other brother (his lifelong joined at the hip best buddie) think?

The whole experience has been endlessly horrific all of my uncles and aunts swept my parents abuse under the rug, my siblings too my sister who was also abused by him included. I am NC with almost the entire family.

My last comment from another brother was that I was warped and I was a bully for telling him and his wife their participation in all of this was wrong. That they were consistently enabling my parents abuse of their daughters.

The levels of let down I have experienced from people I loved and genuinely valued up until this stuff came out has been indescribable. My children suffered an indescribable amount too. These are all professional well educated people and within the extended family there are doctors, priests and teachers who have all swept this under the rug. It was eye opening how people will not react to abuse.

Mine was my dad posting on a pic of my children (4 boys) posted by their dad (my ex) saying what amazing boys they are and how he’d done well (their dad) and were a credit to him, gushing posts meant to boast or brag about kids he doesn’t see, doesn’t give even birthday cards to or speak to their mother (his daughter) unless he wants something.

He invited my sister to stay in a rented cottage with him and his ‘friend’ so she could provide a service (a skill my sister has) to help his friend but instead of just asking it’s all done under the disguise of giving a shit about us and wanting to see us when actually he doesn’t give a toss unless it benefits him/makes him look good.

when I qualified as a nurse he kept telling people I had letters after my name, I mean come on!!! He’s an absolute nob and gives my cousins my granddads medals and spends £ on them rather than his own kids. (I don’t want his money just he’s weird)
So after these posts about his amazing grandkids that he never sees and doesn’t know (he’ll drive past our town to visit friends further north and hear about it later) I decided enough was enough and he’s blocked I feel much lighter for it, he didn’t bring anything to my life and caused me massive pain and misery as a child/teen should’ve done it long ago

I wanted to for years but then my dad would have fallen out with me as well. A few months after he passed away she phoned me screaming down the phone that I hadn’t phoned her for weeks. She was so drunk all the time that she couldn’t remember the 3 2-hour long phone calls I’d had with her that very week. At that point I thought fuck this and never spoke to her again.

Jesus christ @Stickytoff - I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you must have been through, nor how appallingly your family has treated you for speaking up. You have been scapegoated (as I'm sure you well know) and have shown enormous strength in going NC. Sending you strength and solidarity from a fellow survivor.

I have parents and two siblings, and have been NC for many years.

Mother was the abuser. I cut her off when I got into therapy. I couldn't tolerate pretending everything was OK. My brother decided at that point that he wouldn't speak to me if I wouldn't speak to her. Two down, two to go.

Then I went travelling and while away, about 9 months in, rang my dad from Vietnam. "Dad dad! I'm in Saigon!!!" I said. "What do you WANT child??" he said. I was so shocked and upset. After thirty years of him not being bothered about us, why did it surprise me? I had another similar incident when I'd arrived home, and had a huge argument with my sister and father and decided to cut them off too.

So at that point I'd gone NC with he entire family. We don't know our extended.

It was hard at first but now it is so easy. The crap just simply stopped. I definitely recommend it.

When my df started to not turn up and my dc were sat at the window waiting. Like he did to me as a dc. I was moving and just stopped contacting him. As a teen my sm had treated me badly. As an adult I realised her had allowed that.

I always found my mother in particular difficult. She was awkward, domineering, incredibly moody and had a sense of entitlement with regard to me all my life.

alarm bells were starting to ring when I was getting married. Lots of sulking and “a son’s a son until he takes a wife, boo boo, poor me” bullshit.

it took my first child being born and some other pressure in my life for me to get the point where I had just had enough.

she started being more weird than usual immediately after the birth. Always making passive aggressive comments to my wife - things like she didn’t like what our baby son was dressed in. Lots of little things.

Then would complain to all and sundry that she hadn’t seen her grandson for weeks (2 weeks, we were busy) but then we would arrange to go and visit them and they would be out.

then when I called I would hear her screaming in the background “he only calls when he wants something!!!!”

then she behaved disgracefully at a family weddding. Made a huge scene.

I stopped making any contact. After a while I was stalked, harassed, all kinds of flying monkeys sent in.

I met my dad for coffee and he produced a written list of how we were displeasing them.

I went to the house twice by arrangement to try to make peace. Both were ambushes and I was screamed and shouted at. “I am your mother!!!”, “who do you think you are?!?”, “you would be nothing without us!!!!”

I think I was expected to fall in line and spend my life doing exactly what they wanted and pandering to their inexplicable whims.

I blocked and avoided contact for a long time then I was basically harassed again. I sent a long, detailed email explaining how I felt, no response and then it all pretty much stopped.

it’s really not great and caused me a lot of pain but there’s no alternative and really it’s better this way.

I didn’t they did because for once in the 50 years of my existence I pointed out she said something rude (politely) was all it took for them to drop their only daughter and only grandchildren

I was 10 years old when my parents divorced. Dad remarried a woman who is toxic. As a child attempts were made to keep contact but it was too toxic. I grew up, had my own children and it became obvious that he did not wish to have any comtact. After a final attempt in 2008 l am sad to say the only contact l have is via my sister who still checks up on him.

He just dropped us ones the divorce was final.

I'd finished university and come back home for a few weeks. Whilst I was at uni I was low contact and didn't come home for the holidays, so this was the first time I'd been home for a long time, aged 22, and I was intending for it to be temporary. During those few weeks, I had them listening in on my phone conversations, being ridiculed for trying to get something that wasn't a factory job that my dad was trying to force me into (so I would stay home and pay them rent) erupting into massive arguments when I told them the dog had fleas (after being bitten for days and not daring to tell them because I knew what would happen) and then my dad giving my mum a knife in the middle of a blazing row (which happened often) and shouting at her, 'go on, stab me then!' I realised that they were never going to change, and me being back home was just giving them the audience they wanted for their histrionics, and their little victim back in the home to intimidate and abuse. I was retraumatised by the belittling, arguments and constant threat of violence. After years of being away I'd realised this was not normal and my mental health would not be able to take it, so I packed up my bags and never went back.

I'd finished university and come back home for a few weeks. Whilst I was at uni I was low contact and didn't come home for the holidays, so this was the first time I'd been home for a long time, aged 22, and I was intending for it to be temporary. During those few weeks, I had them listening in on my phone conversations, being ridiculed for trying to get something that wasn't a factory job that my dad was trying to force me into (so I would stay home and pay them rent) erupting into massive arguments when I told them the dog had fleas (after being bitten for days and not daring to tell them because I knew what would happen) and then my dad giving my mum a knife in the middle of a blazing row (which happened often) and shouting at her, 'go on, stab me then!' I realised that they were never going to change, and me being back home was just giving them the audience they wanted for their histrionics, and their little victim back in the home to intimidate and abuse. I was retraumatised by the belittling, arguments and constant threat of violence. After years of being away I'd realised this was not normal and my mental health would not be able to take it, so I packed up my bags and never went back.

He remarried and moved to another county within months of my mum dying. He barely spoke to me or my son. He said I’d caused mums death (oesophageal cancer from chain smoking) because she’d had heart burn after having me. Barely spoke, only when he wanted to stay with us. Then he moved back during covid, but again only saw us when he wanted something. Never joined us, just demanded I do x,y,z to help him.
Then his new wife suddenly died and within 2 hours he was talking about his new girlfriend. Still, I helped out. Then when I couldn’t help one day (he wanted me to organise her wake within 90mins with no funeral details so it could be posted in the local newspaper) and I actually said no, I’d do it but it’d take longer, he went mental. Then he text me saying I’d contributed to her death as I hadn’t allowed her to bond with my newborn baby. His wife had bipolar and I’d barely seen her for months as she’d been in bed! She had met baby twice! There’d been no attempt from either of them to make any effort with my DS for the previous 6 years or with newborn DD.
He banned me from her funeral, and said he was happy with his new girlfriend, and that I dare not say anything bad about her, even though I hadn’t even met her. It was actually my DH who said this is enough, and since then I’ve not heard from my very low contact siblings either. They have been low contact with him for years, although I’ve heard my brothers are now close with him. It’s really sad (and my DC have no extended family now) but they won’t miss what they’ve never had I guess. Life is easier that there’s much less drama and I don’t feel constantly on edge about being summonsed at any point but I do feel sadness that life isn’t as I imagined it would be with my extended family. The family fell apart when mum died really.

I was a single parent to 6 and my family did nothing to help-they undermined me all the time,conned thousands of pounds out of me (my ex left me in 8k of debt-my mother paid it off-I paid every penny back,and the debt just kept on going-turned out I’d been paying back debts my brother and his wife had ran up),made out I couldn’t survive without their amazing help (of which there was none) and just treated me like shit on their shoe (they’ll still tell you what a whore I am and how I belong in broadmoor)

much more but that is the basics

anyway,she bought my son a second hand bike-without telling me-and demanded the £50 back in £5 instalments (the bikes brakes where fucked and he ended up breaking his arm on it-my fault for buying him the bike apparently)
i said ‘fine’ but made a point of marking every payment in my diary and messaging my friend every week to back it all up
it was paid off-she stomped into my house,went through my fridge for food to take home (I was upstairs) and demanded that weeks money-I showed her that it had been paid so she punched me in the face-in front of my kids-broke my nose-and stomped out

enough was enough-I just stopped taking her calls and texts and fed it back to her that I’d taken enough from her,her flying monkeys and everyone else

she started ringing social services,turned people against me,broke into my house,kept ringing the kids schools about me rang the police on me and tried to have me arrested for fake crimes and tried to get me fired from my job

we ended up moving away-she knows the area we’re in but not my address or where I work

im sick of her flying monkeys trying to contact me,my partner and kids on sm-we block,they start up new accounts-rinse and repeat

its got to the point I can’t go back to my home town and the day that bitch dies,I’ll throw the biggest party ever

Wow @Rainbowbritestar that should be in the dictionary for narcissistic mother. Absolutely horrifying.

All of these stores are horrifying. It is so sad that people get treated this way. No human being deserves that.

I had made a mental point, that if my children were ever impacted by my DM's and sister 's behaviour, then I would remove all contact. It happened and I did. It was a relief to have that boundary in my mind, as it also was when they over-stepped it.

God, how absolutely horrific . No words.

Not my parents but my in laws.

We broke it off when they went after the children. Timing was also relevant. Our oldest child was just 2, starting to understand the world around him more. When he was a baby I think we kidded ourselves a bit thinking 'oh he's a baby he doesn't know what's going on' but as he became older and the behaviours escalated, we couldn't tell ourselves that anymore.

It was the right decision

I never thought I'd cut off my Mother.

She is controlling and cruel and ever since I was old enough to remember, she used fear to prevent me getting free.

She was a loudhailer of love and devotion-everyone believed she adored her kids and there was nowhere for me to turn.

Even though she left us home alone for overnight trips and long weekends, restricted food, forced us to eat food which made us sick and hit and kicked us, I still thought it was my fault that she made me feel scared and depressed.

I felt angry I didn't have the courage to run away. But I was just a child and too scared to stand up to her.

One day, I told her by text that we were selling our home. We couldn't afford it on since I had left work to care for my disabled middle child two years earlier.

She didn't bother to reply but rang a week later asking for my help with something. I told her I needed three weeks break from her. She turned up on my doorstep the next day with my Auntie and I ended up just screaming and screaming until I slammed the door shut, fell to the floor choking on years of abuse.

I just kept repeating "I can't do it anymore" while dh helped me up to bed.

I later found out that she told people I wanted money from her and that my news had made her physically vomit.

I blocked my Mother, my Auntie, my Mother's best friend and a year later, two of my siblings.

I have a great relationship with my younger sister who is also no contact with those I am.

It is hard but it gets easier.

I don't want to get into long detail as it's fairly outing. But I could have forgiven my parent, in time, if they had so much as acknowledged they were wrong to do what they did. They doubled down.
Unfortunately I lost my extended family as well.
My parents divorced years ago, so in your situation- if they other lived in the same house- I am not sure what I would do.