Shouting DH

[Jan2023]

Genuinely not sure if I’m over reacting or not. H is a shouter… comes from a loud noisy family, I don’t. And when I do something ‘wrong’ he yells at me. I hate it. I accept I have made a mistake - I’m clumsy so I have done stupid things like smash something he loves. I apologise and offer to replace - he roars. Roars and yells - top of voice even if kids there. I tell him not to shout at me, he says if my fault for being careless. Round and round we go. Im 53… I don’t drop stuff deliberately but I’ve been clumsy all my life and I don’t see that shouting at me like a bold child will fix that? Every time he does it I retreat and dream of one day leaving. Who is over reacting here ?

You're not overreacting! Shouting can cause a lot of anxiety not only for the person being shouted at but the person shouting too. One thing is to shout when someone scores a goal in football a different thing is to shout at someone for dropping an item on the floor (an accident). I'd try to get my partner to understand this isn't healthy for anyone, perhaps seek professional help (he could have anger management issues) and leave if he's not interested in changing that behaviour to create a healthier relationship. I suspect it won't be possible because people don't tend to change but you shouldn't need to put up with this if that's the case! Stay safe and leave when you're ready!

(he could have anger management issues)

Oh stop it. I doubt he's shouting at his boss, the milkman, random people on the tube, teachers at parents' evening ...

Like most domestic tyrants, he is perfectly able to control his temper when he wants to. He saves his worst behaviour for OP - he's fully in control of his actions.

Apologies @linak I agree with everything else you said & did not mean to come across as snarky to you.

Well why not leave?

Your poor kids. What a horrible environment to grow up in.

He doesn’t shout at others but says that’s because they don’t annoy him / break his stuff. Kids are young teens, I always assumed I’d stay till they were grown but life is short. If he breaks things I shrug and say oh well or whatever. I assume in a busy house it happens ? I remember when I was a kid my mum had an accident in my dads car and the first thing he said was ‘are you ok?’ No blame

The usual. Mostly money to be fair. Not enough for two households

@KettrickenSmiled no worries! I agree with you too, I think the sad thing is that those people (the milkman if he arrives late, a friend if they cross them) probably make them angry too but they might not admit it or show their true colours to anyone as you said! They fear the milkman might retaliate while it's easier to be openly mean to someone you know has tolerated it before

I agree with pp re him not shouting at others so it's probably not an anger management issue. He obviously thinks this behaviour is OK you don't (I don't either) he's not going to change after many years so I'd say you need to live with it and be stressed and unhappy or leave.

And no it's not acceptable to shout at you for these things, especially when you've said how much it upsets you.

Also having lived with an angry dad and in a shouty argumental house it will absolutely be having an impact on your children.

I think you need to challenge this behaviour at a time when things are calm and tell him that when he shouts you find it really intimidating; point out that he is choosing to shout - no one is 'making him'. Tell him that it's unacceptable, you won't put up with it and that he needs to stop. He's basically venting other frustrations on you, using some trivial event as an excuse.

If he shouts at you, don't even start to apologise or explain or give excuses for the thing that has triggered him, just say, 'stop shouting'. Don't engage in any other conversation while he is shouting. If he doesn't stop after you've asked him a couple of times just say' 'I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to shout' and walk off.

This is only worth doing if he is otherwise an alright sort of bloke and you'll be happy if you fix this thing. If there is other stuff then I really would plan on leaving. Your kids will pick up on this and will think this is acceptable behaviour to dish out or take in a relationship.

If he shouts at you, don't even start to apologise or explain or give excuses for the thing that has triggered him, just say, 'stop shouting'. Don't engage in any other conversation while he is shouting. If he doesn't stop after you've asked him a couple of times just say' 'I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to shout' and walk off.

I would go so far as to print "stop shouting" on a large piece of card, & silently hold it up at him every time he goes off on one. And then walk off.

Shouting is NOT acceptable. It’s a form of bullying and abuse and it is never justifiable.

The purpose of shouting is to control another person’s behaviour.

My mum was / is still a shouter - even as a 50 year old woman when I hear her raising her voice it fills me with fear.

Your DH needs help.

He sounds horrible. Shouting like that is intimidating and scary.

What are things like in the rest of your relationship?

re your reasons for not leaving:
"The usual. Mostly money to be fair. Not enough for two households"

Have you actually thought about this at length?. Do not make this an excuse not to do anything about your life with this man. You only get one after all and do you really want to be with him in say 5-10 years time?. You could well end up being his carer going forward. Stop selling yourself short along with potentially putting your own relationship with your kids at risk (this is because they could well be seeing you as putting him before them. One day too they will leave home and sooner rather than later and once out they won't want to visit either of you very often).

Have you actually sought legal advice re divorce?. You would receive a financial settlement that way. Your reasons to remain really do not at all stack up when at all scrutinised and its not "easier" for you to stay either. Do not hide behind financial concerns as a reason not to do anything. Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and you would want better for them.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable and otherwise abusive behaviour. Its not an anger management issue he has because he can and does control himself around other people. He would not shout at his work colleagues like this so its for you that this verbal abuse is aimed at.

Stop dreaming about one day leaving and start actually planning it before you and your kids are further dragged down by him.

AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is also what is being described here. He does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you and your kids are and will pick up on all the vibes here. This is no legacy to be leaving them OP it really is not.

Thanks everyone. Answers are a lot more clear cut than I was expecting. I’m continually told he shouts because of my actions

Classic abuser's tactic OP - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/