How to react on a 10yr old's comments which my H enjoys

[Catonthefence]

Me and my H dont have a good realtionship. His ego and control and my questioning them has ruined our relationship. He is brought up in a power play family where parents constantly try to earn 'browny points' from children. They do this by putting each other down.

So my H was still ok until I questioned him on something crucial. I got no solution but got blamed that I am stupid because I have questioned him.

Anyway my 10yr old daughter is in her 'normal' growing up and says things like ' you never listened to me', 'you are always busy for me'. I work parttime only to make more time for children. I pick and drop to school myself ( even thiugh he is allowed to walk herself)attend every school meeting. Always ready to give her time. And most importantly... I geuinely enjoy it. I have no complaints.

However these days when she says things like that my H comes rushing from wherever he is and says ' But I am there, always there for you, talk to me'

He has NEVER dropped or pick them up, not sure what grade they are in and not sure of the school entrance. NEVER changed diapers or bathed them or woke up at nights when kids were babies. I would have loved if he actually loved them so much.

However I dont like the fact that he wants to earn brownies against me. I am not asking what I should do with my marriage, I already know.

I am asking help on how to deal with my daighter who seems to be growing up like him. Just throwing disappointments when she likes. I get angry as I am the one who does things for her and she is giving a week long fodder for my H to gloat on.

How do I react, what do I say to her... should I say anything at all?.. Is she too small to understand anything?

I’d separate the two things out - your H sounds like an arse using his daughters discontent to score point.

With your daughter some of it will be an age thing, staring to flex her muscles a bit while also becoming aware of the impact she has on people around her. My DD is 11 and going through a similar phase. I’ve explained to her that I’ll always listen to her calmly explaining how she feels or telling me if I’ve upset her. I’ll discuss and talk things through but she needs to have example - “you always/you never” isn’t ok in the same way it’s not ok for me to use vast generalisations with her.

If she raises her voice, is huffy, slams doors etc she’ll be sanctioned in some way. I’ll find a chore for her to do, take her phone off her, or stop and give her my full attention playing a board game, doing homework or whatever.

If she’s rude, calls names or is inappropriate she goes somewhere quiet to cool off and we properly talk about it later. Some of that chat will include a reminder of all the work needed to pay for and keep the house going and a reminder that the more she helps, the more time I then have to do fun stuff.

I wouldn’t tolerate disrespect or rudeness from her, and try to listen to genuine concerns or upsets.

I think you need to get outside help because this sounds like its bordering on parental alienation. You can't change things for her as long as he is behaving this way because there's nothing you can do to counteract his effect. Its him that needs to change, not the way you manage things with her.

How do I react, what do I say to her... should I say anything at all?.. Is she too small to understand anything?

You and DH are both DD's role models. He has taught her how to behave to you; and so do you. She follows DH's lead in disrespecting you. He treats you like a doormat/ servant and gets away with it. She copies him, because you allow that behaviour.

If you don't want DD to grow up treating you like he does, then YOU need to change. Stop letting them walk over you; stop being a compliant pushover. Set some boundaries and stick to them. Get up off the floor, stop being a doormat. When she is rude, tell her "That is rude behaviour and I won't have it. I will not be driving you to swimming . When she demands, say "No".

You say you know what to do in relation to your marriage. This is the biggest thing that will are a difference to her. She sees it every day, she's living it. This is what you are both teaching her is OK - him in doing it; you in accepting it.

As for ways to respond to her, pps have covered it.

Agree with Jellycatspyjamas and GreyCarpet! I had a similar experience with my own parents at 11 (they got divorced around then) and here's what I thought at the time:
My dad sometimes put me against my mum with the purpose of causing an argument between us, we'd fall out and I would naturally go more to my dad for support.

How do I react, what do I say to her... should I say anything at all?.. Is she too small to understand anything?
In my own experience, she is not that small and might already understand that this behaviour is not right so I think you should talk to her. I don't think there is anything specific you could tell her other than explaining that putting each other down is not a nice thing to do and showing her that you're there for her and reassuring that you care about her while being firm but calm when she'd be rude. I feel like the worst part of my dad trying to manipulate the situation was how my mum would get angry with me when all I wanted was either some alone time, her to reassure me that she loved me and was doing her best and for her to understand I missed spending time with her but she always got defensive and argued back